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Will leaving her alone make her miss me?

So yes, if you leave your ex alone and give them time, they will miss you. They will start to remember the good times, the experiences you shared, those moments you had, the connection you had, and you just have to let them do that on their terms, which is so difficult.

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Craig (00:00):

Today we're going to be talking about if I leave my ex alone, will they miss me? So Margaret, this is a topic that comes up for me, probably on a daily basis or almost a daily basis. Several times a week, at least. But I understand why it's such a big topic. And so we're going to talk about this today because it's so terrifying, so terrifying to go through a breakup and just feel like your ex isn't going to miss you. And we're going to talk about why and what your ex is going through. And some of the things they might be thinking of feeling as well, as long as, and yourself, because I found it to be so helpful to understand what's going on within ourself during a breakup. Absolutely. Right. Uso, you know, people say to me all the time, do you think they're gonna think about me? Do you think they're going to miss me? And you know, obviously we're dealing with, you know, emotions and we're dealing with a connection we're dealing with love, we're dealing with attachment, you know, and I don't think there's anything more powerful than attachment. And it's hard wired into us. That's the way we are men as human beings is to form a bond, even with our mother pre-birth but it really gets to get to that what three month mark where we really start to bond and have a powerful attachment with them. And that isn't something that you have to talk about or think about it's just, just happens. It's natural. It's normal. Right. So,uI understand that. It's so scary to think about your ex, not thinking about you and letting them go and not reaching out to them that we constantly feel like we have to do something to repair that connection.

Margaret (02:50):

Okay. And not only that, we get hormones that tell us stuff that's right. Mother nature always wants us to propagate. And when A relationship ends, mother nature says, Oh, no kids from these two and sends you more hormones to go get them back.

Craig (03:08):

So, you know, obviously one of the things that is incredibly challenging is the obsessive thoughts, right? We're dealing with the obsessive thoughts, almost nonstop, and it feels like this almost like you're trapped in this endless cycle of obsessive thoughts, and it's just, you just can't turn them off. And there's a biological reason behind that. And that is if you're a child, like look at, if you're a child and you're disconnected from your parents, you wander off too far, your brain has you go back to them cause you've, you could die. You could literally die. Right? So that's, what's going on there. It's a very similar thing that you experienced as a child wander too far away from your parents. You're gonna die. And so that's why you're going through those obsessive thoughts. But, and I'm going to talk about how this affects your ex as well in a minute. But I want you to understand, because, you know, I remember when I first started researching breakups years ago, I stumbled across a video that talked about death and how we feel like we're dying. And that's why we have these obsessive thoughts. And then it started to really hit me, like, no wonder why this is so painful. I feel like I'm dying because your brain is telling you don't disconnect from that person because you could die.

Margaret (04:35):

And let's go back to our old friend that saber tooth tiger. Okay. And remember that in our evolutionary old days if we got separated from mom, we did probably become somebody's lunch, you know? So it's not crazy. It's it's in a way adaptive.

Craig (04:53):

Exactly. Yeah. It's, it's, it's very intertwined with our survival. And so that's why so many of you guys are driving past your ex's house. You are calling their job, you're driving past their job. You're calling their, their friends, their family, you're stalking their social media. You need to be honest with yourself on that. You're doing it because so many guys are not going to admit it, but yeah, you really are doing or have done it. And it's because you're desperately feeling like if you don't do it, you're going to die without them.

Margaret (05:28):

But there's a cognitive piece to it too. This is somebody you've been with, you know, for some period of time, enough to classify it as a breakup and obviously that person has said loving things to you and you have said loving things to them. And then all of a sudden they walk away from you and it makes no logical sense. Right? Emotions don't always make logical sense, but there is some logical sense here. How could the person, you know, two months ago told me I was the best thing in the entire universe walk away from me even two days ago. Even two days ago. Yeah.

Craig (06:05):

Yeah. And I have an email coaching that we'll get to in another video, if we have some time today about something that happened to somebody just like that. But you know, Margaret we're in this obsessive thinking of, are they going to come back? Are they going to miss me? Are they going to think about me, Margaret? What do you think?

Margaret (06:25):

Well, I think they are going to miss you. And they are going to think about you. You can't be with someone on an intimate level and not have some level of attachment. Yes. Okay. So yes, they are going to think about you. Yes. In the beginning, they're going to feel relieved because they've finally done the breakup, but they're going to miss you. They're going to think about you. And they're going to wonder if they made the right decision. That's true.

Craig (06:48):

Right. But it takes time. Okay. We know that you're experiencing so much physical pain that it's unbearable. I I've been there. Yeah. That's what propelled me to want to learn this stuff. So well is what I went through with my own breakups in the past. And you know, that's why I can relate with you guys because I know how horrible it is and Margaret was there for me during that time. And you know, it's so scary to think, is this person thinking about me? If I leave them alone, if I stop reaching out, if I go, no contact, is that it? Are we done? Are they just going to be out of sight, out of mind?

Margaret (07:25):

Right back in the old days, we had loved letters to save, but now it all takes, takes place electronically. And you can't even, they used to joke about people having an old trunk full of love letters. You know, we don't even have those anymore. So you can't hold on to them.

Craig (07:40):

Yeah. Unless you have like text messages now, or,

Margaret (07:43):

And the other thing you might have is pictures. And I really think that when you're dealing with any loss, it's useful to look at a picture of that person. Now it might sound like it's going to pour salt in the wound, but I guarantee no, you know, you look at the person's picture and you say, I'm sad. I'm sad about all of this. And that's a very healthy way to go. Yeah. You know?

Craig (08:05):

Yeah. It's, it's, it is because you have to kind of own it. And you know, that brings up for me. I'm thinking, calling up the object that so many of the people that we're dealing with have had attachment issues and they can't picture somebody, you know, that, you know what I mean?

Margaret (08:25):

And just let me repeat that theory in a couple of sentences, talking about if things work correctly and we are mother is available and we attach and all those wonderful things happen. Eventually we begin to develop a picture of mom that we can hold in our memory, in our head, when mom is not there.

Craig (08:46):

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Up their voice, calling up them talking to us.

Margaret (08:50):

And so forth. And if you can call it, the object, life is so much easier. You can call it up to soothe yourself, or you can call it up if you have to grieve. Yeah. Okay. And I remember essentially being taught by a client when I suggested that he needed to grieve some of the people in his family, he said, I'll have to bring in the family album only then did it dawn on me, that it was easier for him to do it when he could see the pictures, cause he couldn't really call up the object. You know? So it was a wonderful thing. I, I did family albums ever after. No, I thank him if he's out there somewhere.

Craig (09:27):

Yeah. So what happens is, you know, that inability or that struggle to call somebody up makes us feel like they're going to forget us because in a way we're forgetting them, we're forgetting the sound of their voice. We're forgetting how they talked to us what they were saying to us, what they told us. And so we are afraid that they're doing the same thing that we're struggling with. Absolutely. Right. It's almost like projected.

Margaret (09:51):

Yeah. And is it easier to put somebody out of your mind? Yeah. You can try good luck because those obsessive thoughts will come right back. You miss me. I know you do. I know you miss me. What are the other things I hear often is, does this mean they never loved me? No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't at all. And I think that most people break up for whatever reasons they break up. But that at one time when you were together, they said they loved you and they meant it. Oh, absolutely. Okay. People often think there are reasons they have to break up. Sometimes they don't even want to.

Craig (10:27):

Yup. But you know what happens next is that, you know, your ex has made a decision to end the relationship to move forward. And at that point they really are fairly confident with their decision. They're not always a hundred percent and every situation is very different. Let me put it out there. There are situations that are so different throughout my day that, you know, we're trying to talk in general terms to get you to understand that, yes, in most of the cases they are going to think about you and miss you right off the bat. But there will be situations that your ex is so frustrated or maybe fed up with you or the situation that they're at that point. They're like, I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to think about it, but they can't turn it off forever.

Margaret (11:13):

No, they can't. They can delay it, but they can't turn it off forever. And how many times do we hear tha they sign up on six dating sites, you know, two days later to distract.

Craig (11:24):

That's exactly it. And you know, what we start doing at that point is we're looking at our behavior and we're starting to beat ourselves up of, Oh my gosh, I couldn't leave them alone. I was, I was pushing, I was shoving them to, to give, to talk to me, to work and out. And we start to feel really bad about that because we realized that we've been demanding and then our ex just gets cold ice cold. Yes. And so when they're at this point, they're not going to act like they're ever going to miss you. They're not going to budge because they don't want you to continue harassing them. So they got to put that wall up. Right. So that's why I'm trying to get you to see is that the process of leading up to this point is they're not going to act like they're missing you or thinking about you because if they do, you're just gonna pursue them like a like an awful salesman. Like you're just interacting like a persistent salesman that won't let the person think about things. Right? So at this point, you, you know, you gotta go no contact, you know, and some of you get there sooner than others. I get that. And you know, when you go no contact, it's actually a really powerful thing to do. Yes, it is. Because your ex, at that point, it's just like, Ugh, they're constantly badgering me reaching out. And so there's no fear there, there, there's no sense of like, am I making a mistake? Am I going to miss this person? Cause they're not missing you at that point. No, at the moment. They're really, and they're like, finally,

Margaret (13:12):

They're leaving me alone. Right. Finally, I have space. We all need space. That's what we hear a great deal. I need space. That's right. Finally, I have my space while you think all you want and your space. Yeah.

Craig (13:21):

Yeah. But as you, once you stop forward momentum, that is a complete change of dynamics. You're no longer trying to be a used Carlson car salesman. You're no longer trying to force them into something they're not wanting to do. Now. They actually have to sit with a decision of, Hmm, am I really going to want to live without this person? Right. At first they think you're still going to reach out maybe in a couple of days or a week. But as time goes on, they don't stop thinking about you the way they think about you. And the situation changes. They go from feeling angry and frustrated and walls up and defensive to, Hmm. Maybe I am making a mistake. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe the things that were bothering me, then weren't so bad, but it takes time to get there.

Margaret (14:25):

And that's the thing I had somebody say to me today, it's been four weeks. I mean, we're talking, you know, several months.

Craig (14:35):

Exactly. That's typical, depending upon the situation, why they wanted to end things. But you know, once you have stopped the forward momentum, that creates space. And the more time that goes, the more space that is created, the more they are going to wonder or start to believe. Well, I actually am never going to hear from this person again. And in that space, that's when they start to feel like they've been dumped in a sense right now, sometimes you'll have people that will do breadcrumbs. And every once in a while, they'll reach out and you know, we don't want you to chase them. No, we don't want you to be eager with these people. But you know, like I said, this is so general, oftentimes we're in situations where we don't hear from our ex for months at a time, and we don't want you to ignore them. If your ex is breadcrumbing you and reaching out to you occasionally saying, you know, I mean, sometimes you'll have an avoidant that's reaching out. You know, every couple of days at that point, you don't want to, you know, act like you're available or too interested in them. You know, we want you to be a challenge. Right, right. We don't want anybody to think that you're easily available, but we don't want you to ignore them either. Right. So if you are in a breadcrumbing situation, you're going to do it differently obviously than a situation where you haven't heard from your ex.

Margaret (16:12):

Or the three o'clock in the morning or the drunk call. Don't put up with that.

Craig (16:17):

Exactly. But I don't want people to get confused because there's a big difference with a breakup. When somebody hasn't reached out to you in four months and ignoring them versus you, haven't heard from your ex in two days and they're reaching out every three days and they're bread crumbing. You, that's a very different kind of breakup. Okay. But more often than that, not the breakup is you haven't heard from your ex for three, four months.

Margaret (16:47):

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And the normal response, the normal human response to loss is grief. Okay. And you can put grief off, but you cannot make it go away. And we find out that people don't last a year without getting into that grief stage. Okay. So grief is going to come upon them and they go into, remember you and they're going to be sad. They can delay it for a while. And then eventually it's going to catch up with

Craig (17:16):

That's a good point. Yeah. it does catch up with them. And if they try going from relationship to relationship, it's just going to be unhealthy. And the losses are just going to amount and they're just going to continue the cycle of unhealthy relationships

Margaret (17:33):

And trying not to grieve.

Craig (17:34):

Yeah. which is why we are always pushing and advocating for mental health and growing and working through your issues. It's so critical to turning it around once your ex does reach out again. But you know, there are so many different types of situations. That's why I say in the video, every relationship is different. Every breakup is different because throughout all day long, there are very different scenarios that play out on why people break up how they broke up, what happened, why it happened, right? Attachment styles, mental health issues, all of those things,

Margaret (18:16):

The whole package, we're all a whole package, but I've, I've often heard. I've watched him put things out of his head. He can put things out of his head and never think about them again. No, he can't. He lives on the planet with our shared humanity. You know, eventually it's going to catch up with him. He does have feelings or you wouldn't have been with him. Yes.

Craig (18:33):

So in time your ex does miss you. And they think about those good things. They think about those good times you've had together. They think about the pros of the relationship. They think about the cons to the relationship. And your goal is to work on those things that when they come back, you're not doing those mistakes or you're trying to minimize those mistakes. So they are more willing to try and give it another go. Right? That's the things that they were so frustrated with. Won't be there as intense as they were before. If you can try to minimize those problems, right. Then things will be easier for them. They'll be happier. And, but it takes real work to get to that place. Right. But, you know, leaving them alone is absolutely critical to getting them to miss you.

Margaret (19:32):

Otherwise, it's like a fix for an addict. Okay. If they can call you, get a quick response or if you call them, then they start grieving. You don't want to interrupt the process.

Craig (19:43):

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You want them to miss you, you want them to think about you. They, you want them to remember all those good times and people will talk about the fading effect bias. Have you heard about that?

Margaret (19:56):

No. What is the fading effects? I might have it, is it like COVID,

Craig (20:01):

It might be you know, I haven't found a lot of good research on it. That's why we haven't talked about it too much in videos where supposedly in time, you start to forget about the bad things and remember the good, but the research I've seen isn't, you know, that significant yeah.

Margaret (20:21):

That happens in domestic violence cases. Oftentimes I'd have to research that. Which I will do if it's, if it's a topic of interest. Yeah.

Craig (20:30):

Yeah. But somebody had commented on the video today about the fading affect bias. So I thought I'd bring it up real quick.

Margaret (20:37):

You remember the good times instead of the bad ones? Yeah. That probably is somewhat true. Yeah.

Craig (20:42):

There's, I'm sure there's some truth to it, but the research is more about from what I was about specific amount of days and stuff like that. But what I had seen when I had researched it years ago, I wasn't thoroughly impressed. So maybe that's something you could look into in your research and your studies. But I, I want everybody to know. It's so important that even though your ex is just steadfast in their decision of, I'm never going to give you another chance. I'm never going to work it out with you. That changes over time. Okay.

Margaret (21:21):

Yeah. They will tell me the last hurtful thing that the ex says yes. At which, in which case I immediately quote you and say, Craig reminds us all that feelings change

Craig (21:33):

Feelings change. But it takes time for those feelings to change and you've gotta be willing and you gotta be strong to leave them alone to allow that for them to actually miss you think about it. If you miss somebody time has had to occur and space has had to occur. You don't miss somebody when they're in front of you. Right. I don't miss Margaret when she's here right next to me.

Margaret (22:02):

But you miss me all week when I'm not exactly.

Craig (22:05):

If we're not seeing each other or filming videos or whatnot. Right. Or my friends that I don't get to see you, you miss them when you have space and time away. And so yes, they will miss you. Even though they looked upset and angry and hurt and they had their wall up and they looked like they were never going to change their mind. That can change over time. Right. And we, we know that you guys need to hear this all the time because it's so scary what you're going through. And that's why we're always bringing it up and sharing different experiences that we've had. Uwhen we get email success stories, which we get all the time and,uwe can't share them all quite honestly. But if you give your time to your ex, if you give them space, they will miss you. They will think about you. They can't shut off that part of their brain

Margaret (23:02):

For any length of time. They can, they can do it briefly, but it, yeah, it will eventually come back and say, hi, I'm still here. Like all unresolved issues do. Yeah. Okay.

Craig (23:12):

And when people tell you, they love you, you know, I think on some level they love you forever.

Margaret (23:18):

Oh yeah. I think so too. Yeah. I think that's true. And remember, what's going to happen to the minute you are ready to move on. Yeah,

Craig (23:27):

Exactly. Right. Yeah. We see that all the time. In fact, I had a comment today. I think it was on my Instagram from somebody who said, the minute I was ready to move on, they came back. They sensed the disturbance in the force.

Margaret (23:38):

Right. And don't forget that we think they're not in touch. They've gone. They've absolutely blocked us out. And then as soon as we're ready to move on, they reach out. Yeah. Which says that the process has gone on for those several months. And remember we live in a world of instant and we've lost our sense of process. Oftentimes we fall in love too fast. And Craig and I are always saying, slow down, don't move too fast. And, you know, we fall into love too fast. And sometimes we fall out of love real slowly, you know, slow is better on both ends.

Craig (24:13):

Yeah. So yes, if you leave your ex alone and give them time, they will miss you. They will start to remember the good times, the experiences you shared, those moments you had, the connection you had, and you just have to let them do that on their terms, which is so difficult. We know, but they're not going to forget you in that time. They're just not right. Right. Okay. Hopefully you found this helpful.

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