Photo: Mick Haupt

Why wont a narc let you go?

They won't accept “no.” They hoover in an attempt to rekindle the relationship or stay friends after a breakup or divorce. A research study showed that narcissists and psychopaths tend to stay friends with their ex for selfish reasons. They try to stay in your life or seduce and convince you to return.

psychologytoday.com - Why Narcissists and Abusers Won't Let Go and What You Can Do

What is a man's duty to his wife?

Husband your love towards her shows in your talking, caring, helping, and other activities you do every day. The simplest way to love your wife is...

Last updated Sep 28, 2020

What muscles do girls like the most?

The top muscles women love 6-Pack Abs. You could have biceps the size of bowling balls, but if you've got the beginnings of a gut, any...

Last updated Nov 22, 2018

Promotion

Breakups with narcissists don’t always end the relationship. Many won’t let you go, even when they are the ones who left the relationship, and even when they’re with a new partner. They won’t accept “no.” They hoover in an attempt to rekindle the relationship or stay friends after a breakup or divorce. A research study showed that narcissists and psychopaths tend to stay friends with their ex for selfish reasons. They try to stay in your life or seduce and convince you to return. The term for this behavior is hoovering, derived from the famous Hoover vacuum, because when you’re finally free of the abusive relationship, they can suck you back in. But be prepared for a bait-and-switch maneuver. Being expert manipulators, narcissists know your vulnerabilities and may appeal to your emotions with cries for help, romantic gestures, messages, cards, or gifts on significant dates or anniversaries. They attempt to seduce you with financial support, feigned compassion, pleading, jealousy, sex, loving words, or promises to reform—virtually whatever it takes to win you. They may send veiled messages via social media posts, arrange “fortuitous” encounters at your local haunts, or employ “flying monkeys”—friends and family—to do bidding on their behalf. When that doesn’t work, they use threats, guilt, and shame to wear you down. If you still love or have affection for your ex and are hopeful the relationship could improve, you’re vulnerable to being sucked back in. Victims of violence return frequently, only to be abused again. Don’t be fooled. If you remain strong, they may show their true colors and go on the attack.

Why Narcissists Hoover

Narcissists who are motivated by power are game players, and this is just another power-play. Thus, hoovering is entirely predictable, because to narcissists relationships are transactional. They lack empathy and the ability to see you as a separate human being. Rather than wanting a relationship for sentimental reasons, they’re out for themselves, looking for access to resources, such as sex, money, information, status, or love. Their impetus is pragmatic and their own dependency. They need their “narcissistic supply.” Their fragile ego needs constant reassurance and attention to avoid feeling their inner emptiness—like a vampire that sucks its victims’ blood, and they need many. Male narcissists in particular may flit from one woman to another for validation and/or sex.

Which skin tone is most attractive in men?

Women in a recent experiment preferred men with yellower and redder skin tones, both of which can signal good health, a crucial factor in choosing...

Last updated Jul 3, 2022

How do you know if someone fancies you?

10 signs that they're definitely into you Body language. You can tell a lot about whether someone likes you through body language. ... Shy looks....

Last updated Mar 30, 2022

Promotion

Additionally, if it wasn’t their decision to leave, they cannot tolerate rejection. Due to their underlying shame and insecurity, they find it humiliating. Rather than accept you “quit,” they go on the offense and “fire” you. Similarly, they often spread lies assassinating your character and turning family and friends against you to elevate themselves in others’ eyes. Once they’re left, in order to regain their self-esteem and power, they may attempt to win you back. Just knowing you think about them or will talk to them soothes their wounded ego. If you go back, as soon as they feel secure, they’ll put you down or breakup to reverse the narrative.

What to Do

Hoovering can be very damaging. Narcissists confuse you with lies and distortions to gaslight you for their own ends. It perpetuates the abuse that you’ve endured. Because of the prior relationship dynamic, you may easily be persuaded by false promises, gestures, fear, or threats if you don’t go along, or you may succumb to shame and blame because you’ve been made to feel so unworthy and lucky to have your ex back in your life. Your vulnerability is enhanced through trauma-bonding, which makes it very hard to leave an abuser. The best way to deal with hoovering is to ignore it. No contact both protects you and helps you recover from a breakup. That includes not looking at photos or social media accounts of your ex. A narcissist may escalate hoovering, then lose interest after a while, only to reappear a year or more later when they’re in need. If you have to communicate, for example, you have business matters or children in common, become a “gray rock.” This removes any incentive for a narcissist to pursue you romantically. Preferably, communicate only in writing. Stay on point, be brief and impersonal, and do not laugh or smile at their jokes or attempts to flirt and cajole you. Beware of idealizing your ex or romanticizing the relationship. Arm your psyche against falling for fake expressions of love, seduction, or lies about you and the relationship. Remember your unhappiness and any abuse you suffered. Resist any attempt to distort the past. Write a story about what really happened and why you were unhappy. It’s important to tease out truth from lies so that you learn to trust yourself again and not question your own perceptions. Get professional help to restore your self-trust and heal PTSD and wounds from the relationship and those triggered from your childhood. Write your feelings about the narcissist’s behavior and associate them with family members and memories from your past. If you can make a connection, then when you miss your ex, shift your mind to feelings from your childhood. Remember that narcissism is a personality disorder. A narcissist will not change for you and certainly not without years of focused therapy. You need to put yourself first and raise your self-esteem.

What is an emotionally intelligent woman?

Emotional intelligence is the ability to accurately identify your own emotions, as well as those of others according to Psychology Today. It also...

Last updated Apr 2, 2020

When a man hugs your waist?

If your partner hugs you this way, he wants to make you feel loved. It also suggests he is protective of you when he wraps his arms around your...

Last updated Jun 28, 2020

Promotion

Get the Breakup Recovery seminar and Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People if you’re still undecided or have to communicate with our ex.

© Darlene Lancer 2020.

psychologytoday.com - Why Narcissists and Abusers Won't Let Go and What You Can Do

How do you know if he cares about you?

30 signs he cares deeply about you He expresses his appreciation. ... He's honest with you. ... You feel important when you're together. ... He...

Last updated Apr 3, 2018

How do you rebuild a struggling relationship?

It might be painful to face, but leaving these issues unaddressed won't help anyone in the long run. Take full responsibility if you're at fault....

Last updated May 6, 2022

Promotion

How long does it take to rebuild trust?

Rebuilding trust takes a significant amount of time and patience. It might take us several months or even years to fully be able to trust our loved...

Last updated Jan 11, 2019

Promotion

Will no contact make her miss me?

After all, when you implement the no contact rule, you go from talking to your significant other daily to breaking up and having no communication....

Last updated Mar 28, 2019