Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Andrea Piacquadio
So why is space so important in a relationship? "When partners have their own set of interests, friends, and time for self, that makes them happier and less bored," says Orbuch. "Time alone also gives partners time to process their thoughts, pursue hobbies and relax without responsibilities to others."
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Read More »Having enough space or privacy in a relationship is more important for a couple's happiness than having a good sex life, according to Dr Terri Orbuch a psychologist, research professor at the University of Michigan's Institute for Social Research and author of Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship. While most of my new mum friends saw this as a clear case of abandonment and advised against it, I disagreed with them and said he should go. I knew climbing this mountain was a challenge he had always wanted to try. As well as making him happy, I was certain I would also enjoy the space and challenge of fending for myself for a while. I also believed one of the reasons we had stayed together was because we always gave each other the time and space to do the things we loved. Not only would he be climbing a 7,000 metre mountain in a very remote part of the Karakoram, he would be away for four weeks and out of reach by phone or email for the duration of the trip. When our daughter was six months old and we were struggling with the pressures of being new parents, my partner Stephen asked me if he could join a mountaineering expedition to Pakistan. Orbuch is an authority on marriage and divorce. Since 1990 she has been involved in a long-term US study of marriage called The Early Years of Marriage Project, which has been following the same 373 married couples for over 25 years. 46 per cent of the couples have since divorced. During her research, Orbuch found that 29 per cent of spouses said they did not have enough "privacy or time for self" in their relationship, with more wives than husbands reporting not having enough space (31 per cent versus 26 per cent). Of those who reported being unhappy, 11.5 per cent said the reason was lack of privacy or time for self. This was a greater percentage than the 6 per cent who said they were unhappy with their sex lives. So why is space so important in a relationship? "When partners have their own set of interests, friends, and time for self, that makes them happier and less bored," says Orbuch. "Time alone also gives partners time to process their thoughts, pursue hobbies and relax without responsibilities to others." John Aiken, a relationship psychologist and author agrees: "Couples need space in a relationship so they don't suffocate each other. Having time apart is extremely healthy and keeps a freshness in their relationship. It encourages each person to maintain their own sense of identity while still being a couple, and it fosters independence and strength rather than neediness and clinginess." One of the key factors that can influence your need for space in a relationship is your attachment style, he explains. "This relates to how you bonded with your parents during your upbringing. If they were consistently warm and nurturing towards you, then you have a 'secure attachment' and you can generally cope with being together and being apart from you partner. If on the other hand, you were raised with parents that were either anxious or rejecting, then this will mean you can have problems with being too clingy or needing space from your partner. In the end, how well you attach to your parents as an infant will influence how much space you need with your romantic partners as you move through life."
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Read More »Show genuine interest in him to put him at ease. If you told someone you weren't interested in them and then you start to like them, start up a conversation and ask questions about how he's been. That way, he'll feel like you really care, which may make him start thinking about you again.
This article was co-authored by Cher Gopman and by wikiHow staff writer, Caroline Heiderscheit . Cher Gopman is the Founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC, a date coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Cher is a Certified Life Coach, a former psychiatric nurse, and her work has been featured on Inside Edition, Fox, ABC, VH1, and The New York Post. This article has been viewed 1,234,440 times.
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