Photo: Ron Lach

Why I am missing him so much?

Missing someone happens naturally, and our bodies undergo changes because of it. Our body produces chemicals, and the production of those chemicals speeds up when we love someone. So, when we don't see that person anymore – when we've gone through a breakup – our body essentially experiences withdrawal.

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Why do I miss him so much?

Is it normal to miss him so much?

Will I ever stop missing him?

Have you been asking yourself or your friends questions like these? Don’t worry. These are all very common questions to ask, and very normal feelings to feel! When romantic relationships end, it’s hard not to miss that person you spent so much time with and invested so much emotional time in. They might have been your best friend as well as your romantic partner, and they might have become a huge part of your life, spending time with your family and friends. Perhaps you met this person when you were at a low point in your life, and you think, “How can I be apart from him? He saved my life!”

Perhaps you feel like you’re not yourself without that person.

But now the relationship has ended. Maybe it was a healthy relationship, maybe it was an abusive (call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE for help anytime) relationship. Maybe you’re not sure why it ended, or you know why, or even you were the one who ended it, but you can’t stop missing him. It’s even possible that you were never in a serious relationship with this person, but some very strong feelings were there regardless. Perhaps you think you shouldn’t feel the way you’re feeling. Don’t feel guilty! It’s completely normal to miss someone. In this article, we’ll explore what it means to miss someone, and offer advice to people who are going through a difficult time, or perhaps feeling lost and seeking relationship advice after experiencing a broken heart.

What Does It Mean To Miss Someone?

We miss someone who means a lot to us when we are apart from them, whether that’s because of geographical distance or because a relationship has ended. A study in 2010 found that the same areas of the brain that are active when a cocaine addict withdraws from the drug were also active when heartbroken people saw pictures of their former partners. This suggests that love is similar to an addiction, and the researchers suggested that it’s likely that every human will experience an addiction to love in their lifetime. Missing someone happens naturally, and our bodies undergo changes because of it. Our body produces chemicals, and the production of those chemicals speeds up when we love someone. So, when we don’t see that person anymore – when we’ve gone through a breakup – our body essentially experiences withdrawal.

Long-Distance Relationships

Perhaps you’re missing him because you’re in a long-distance relationship. Maybe your relationship started by giving him your phone number or your email address! Perhaps you met online playing games or speaking in forums, and then your email address with him to get to know him better. In long-distance relationships, the partners are geographically distant, and therefore have a lack of face-to-face contact. Of course, you’re going to miss your significant other when they are hundreds or thousands of miles away. But this lack of face-to-face contact might give rise to worries. Maybe you’re afraid he’s dating other people or sleeping with other women. If this is the case, perhaps it’s time to have a conversation with him and let him know how you’re feeling. Perhaps it would help to talk to a counselor together. At sites like Regain.us, you can undergo couples counseling online – either start with your partner, or you can invite him or her later by clicking a button and providing their email address. The first session is free, so it’s worth a try. It could save your relationship!

Is It Normal To Miss Someone So Much?

When you’re apart from someone after a breakup, you are likely to think about them a lot. You might think about them every single day. It’s tempting to think about what he’s doing now, who he’s dating, and how he lives every day – whether he is thinking about you and missing you, too. When you think about him, you might be thinking a lot about when you first got together and how you fell in love. This might create an idealized view of him and the relationship as a whole, and then you end up missing the idealized version even more than the real thing. There are certain occasions during the year that might elevate the feeling of missing someone, too. Birthdays and other special occasions that you would normally have spent together might make you feel worse because you want to spend that time with the person you’re missing.

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Valentine’s Day could be the worst of these, as many couples celebrate their love on this day. It’s very normal to miss a previous partner on Valentine’s Day. Perhaps you used to go out for a meal together, or even a little break away from home to celebrate the precious life you . It’s not just you who will feel this way, and especially if Valentine’s Day comes soon after your break up. It’s okay to feel like this. Try reaching out to friends and spending the holiday together. They will appreciate the company as well, and you might end up having more fun than you did while you were still in a relationship! Most people feel this way after a breakup. Everyone misses that person, that relationship. Science shows us that our bodies react naturally when a relationship ends – we can’t stop these reactions from happening. We can’t help it. It’s normal.

Why Do I Miss Him So Much?

Perhaps you are still in contact with him. It’s hard to let go of someone you’ve been close to, especially if you were together for a long time, but even if it was a short relationship. We can get so used to phone calls and texting the same person every day, that when that goes away, it feels like something is missing from our lives every day. Don’t feel guilty! It’s normal to stay in touch with someone, particularly if the decision to end the relationship was mutual. But this contact is a habit, and you can break that habit. Though it can be very difficult to let go, it’s an important step to take to help you stop missing him. If you are missing someone after an abusive relationship ended, you may be thinking: “Why do I miss someone who was treating me so badly?!”. Perhaps during your relationship, you got mixed signals from him or her, and you felt unwanted or unloved. Missing that person is completely natural too. Even though you might know that it had to end, it doesn’t always feel like you’re better off without them. It’s natural. But you are better off out of that relationship. Missing that person is totally normal. As the previously mentioned article said, our body reacts to the sudden loss of a person, like a withdrawal from an addiction.

Will I Ever Stop Missing Him?

Yes. You might feel as though you will always miss him. You might think your love life will never improve. But there will come a time when you will stop missing that special someone. You will move on, and eventually, you might even think, “I’m glad we broke up when we did.” or tell the world, "I don't love him anymore." This is a precious life, and we only have one. We need to make the most of it, and missing someone can hold us back from good love life, so it’s important to try and work through it.

Here are some steps that might help you through the healing process.

Try to remember all parts of the relationship – not just the good parts. Often when you’re missing someone, you can remember them as an ideal partner: a better version of themselves than they actually are. It’s hard to do this, but try to remember all aspects of the relationship and the person, and not just what was good about it or them. Love and relationships are complex. Not all of them will be healthy relationships, but even in healthy relationships, there will be highs and lows. Try to remember there were low points, too, so that you don’t idealize what you had.

Try to engage in new experiences.

This might be a really good time to go somewhere different or try something new. Make new friends, find new favorite hobbies, do that thing you’ve always wanted to do and never did!

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Taking up a new sport could really help, as it’s an activity you could throw yourself into several times a week, and it will also allow you to meet other people. If sports are not for you, perhaps it’s time to find a new hobby or rekindle an old one. Maybe you’ll find that you love gardening, baking, or a craft, or even learning a new language! You could take lessons which will help you to further your skills, and this also gives you opportunities for making new friends. Create some achievable goals for yourself, so that you can set your sights on them. When you achieve your goals, you can get the same endorphin kick and sense of fulfillment that a relationship used to provide you with.

Speak to your family and friends.

It can help to express your feelings with the people who know you best. You have probably told your friends about your love life, and maybe they are the best people to help you with dating advice. Even if your friends don’t have all the answers, they can keep you company, distract you, and remind you that a wonderful version of you existed before this relationship that can continue to exist today.

Good friends will not judge you, even in the worst of circumstances.

Speak to a counselor.

If everything seems a bit too much, or you don’t understand what you’re feeling, it can really help if you speak to a counselor. Even if you feel okay, but just want to stop missing someone, it can help to speak to someone who doesn’t know you or your situation, who can give you impartial advice. You could try online counseling sites like Regain.Us., where you can have a free session to start with, and you can speak to a professional counselor from the comfort of your own home. They will be able to give you relationship advice and help you through the healing process. They also offer couples counseling, so if you find yourself in a relationship again but want to be able to talk to someone about it, you can start counseling with your partner or invite your partner later with their email address.

Allow yourself time.

These feelings will not disappear overnight! Having a broken heart is something we need to work on and talk about, and time helps to heal the wound. Don’t feel bad if things have been improving, and then you have a day when you miss him again! It just takes time.

Conclusion

Love and relationships are not simple. People are all different, and it takes time to get to know other people, so it can be hard to find a person who is right for us. But all of us are likely to go through breakups, and science shows us that missing someone is totally normal and natural.