Infatuation Rules
Photo: Julia Volk
"Another reason someone might attract someone emotionally unavailable is because they have low self-esteem. For whatever reason (body image issues, experience of being bullied, job instability, addiction, or mental health issues), they may not believe they are worthy of love and commitment," she says.
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Read More »Whether you're currently single or in a loving partnership, it's hard to deny that the modern dating world is full of considerable difficulties. Dating apps have emphasized digital connections, and ghosting has become an easy out in place of an actual breakup. In many ways, this can be said to have lowered our sense of responsibility to treat others with kindness and consideration. Considering these factors, if you're one of the millions braving the online dating trenches, you have probably encountered an emotionally unavailable partner at some point. In thinking about the past few relationships (or even situationships) you've been in, were those partners open about their feelings for you or their feelings in general? Did they make it clear what their commitment to you was? Did they make a proper effort to be consistent with date nights, texting, or calling you regularly? If the answer to these is "no," you might want to evaluate the potentially toxic cycle in which you may have found yourself. Attracting emotionally unavailable people, while a tough issue to confront, can majorly affect our emotional health. If you've found yourself connecting with people in this category repeatedly, it may be time to check in with yourself. Ahead, experts break down why we attract emotionally unavailable people and how to move on from those cycles.
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Read More »Lopez Witmer agrees the root of this cycle often stems from childhood and often causes us to question our worthiness for love. "This is complicated, but usually when there is a pattern in which someone is mostly attracting emotionally unavailable partners into their life, the person believes on some level that they have to work for love," she says. "As they grew up, they didn't believe love was something they deserved just for being them. And so, the person may attempt to rewrite history, repeating this pattern with romantic partners and hoping subconsciously or unconsciously for a different outcome. In psychological terms, we call this repetition compulsion." When you continue to call in partners of the same nature and hope for different results, you continue risking further damage to your confidence and ability to trust yourself. Beyond the earliest origins of this self-destructive cycle, Jamea explains how we perceive ourselves can also majorly impact the partners we tend to choose. "Another reason someone might attract someone emotionally unavailable is because they have low self-esteem. For whatever reason (body image issues, experience of being bullied, job instability, addiction, or mental health issues), they may not believe they are worthy of love and commitment," she says.
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Read More »Although taking these steps can undoubtedly bring about awareness and a better understanding of how your past trauma and psyche impact your dating life, the work continues far beyond that. While dating, especially if you're entering a new relationship, it's still critical to check in with yourself from time to time regarding your approach to your relationships (even when they're going well). "It's not uncommon for people to graduate from 'picking' emotionally unavailable people only to start 'perceiving' emotional unavailability that isn't there and/or doing things to 'provoke' or push away an otherwise emotionally available partner. It's important to be aware of these pitfalls in your healing journey," Jamea says. Above all, getting to the root of and progressively working toward healing the internal causes of your draw toward emotionally unavailable partners is the most important step you can take. Trying anything that works for you—like therapy, journaling, or meditation—is a responsibility you hold for yourself and others around you. "I love inner-child work," says Jamea. "While this is best done with a therapist guiding you, there are things you can do on your own. For example, try writing a letter from your 'functional adult self' to your 'inner child' expressing everything they needed to hear but didn't while growing up. This simple exercise can heal deep wounds."
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