Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Alexander Suhorucov
By remaining friends with their exes, narcissists get to keep all of their former partners on a carousel of convenience: they can create a harem of people to use for sex, money, praise, attention or whatever else they desire, at any time.
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Read More »Narcissists hate to fail or lose, so they will do what they can to maintain some connection if they didnt make the choice to end itThey can experience narcissistic injury when rejected by a partner and have difficulties letting it go or healing from it they may stay connected [to exes in order to] have access to valuable resources. They also have inside information about their exes vulnerabilities and weaknesses that they can exploit and manipulate which gives them a sense of power and control. – Dr. Tony Ferretti, Narcissists and Psychopaths Love to Stay Friends With Their Exes Unfortunately, hoovering can be incredibly nefarious and insidious in its impact. Many survivors of narcissistic abuse can be left reeling as they are thrown back into self-doubt and the temptation to reengage in the cycle with their narcissistic partners. This is due to what Dr. Patrick Carnes calls “trauma bonding,” the intense bonds we formed with our toxic partner in an attempt to survive our abusive experiences. Hoovering has the ability to trigger the trauma bond and unhealed wounds, bringing them to the surface and compelling us to go back to the source of the trauma as a form of comfort or survival. Unhealthy relationships cause stronger trauma bonds.Research indicates that rejection by a romantic partner can create an unwavering biochemical attachment, affecting brain activity that is associated with addiction cravings, rewards and motivation; in fact, adversity-ridden relationships can also cause similar activity in the brain as cocaine (Fisher et. al, 2010; Earp et. al, 2017).When you feel drawn towards a toxic partner once more, its because your body has become addicted to the highs and lows you received from the relationship on a biochemical level through chemicals like oxytocin, dopamine, cortisol and serotonin (Carnell 2012; Fisher, 2016). If you’re being hoovered, it’s important to anchor yourself back into the reality of the abuse. Work with a professional to ground yourself into the truth of the abuse that occurred and to bring the character of your narcissistic partner into full clarity. Be mindful of when you’re tempted to romanticize your former partner at the risk of your own safety. Note if your toxic ex-partner is attempting to hoover and re-write the reality of the abuse: this is known as gaslighting and it can easily ensnare someone back into a toxic relationship. Examine the wounds at the root of your addiction to your former partner. Know that these need to be addressed in order for healing to begin and for you to “detox” fully from this person.
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Read More »The next time you’re wondering why a narcissistic ex has reached out to claim that they miss you, remember that their stated reasons are unlikely to be true. It’s more likely that they simply miss having control over you, access to your various resources and the power they wielded in the relationship.
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