Infatuation Rules
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Why do my partner and I keep arguing?

Couples often get into argument cycles – where they are always arguing about the same thing. These argument cycles are usually caused by negative communication patterns that restrict understanding and respect in a relationship.

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Communication is key

Psychologists and relationship counsellors will tell you that good communication is key to a successful relationship. And if you are arguing all the time, then chances are you are no longer communicating well! Couples, especially couples who have been together for a long time, often get into argument cycles – where you find yourself constantly arguing about the same thing. Interestingly, while the topic of the repeated argument may change, the underlying triggers for the argument and the pattern the argument takes is often the same. Think about what you and your partner fight about most. Probably something mundane like why the dishes weren’t put away, or why the kids aren’t in bed yet, or why you are out of tomatoes… Arguments like these probably aren’t really about the dishes, the kids or the tomatoes… rather, you are probably getting into arguments about these things because you are simply not communicating well. Often, couples get into arguments about minor transgressions as a way to cover up real issues that have been left unaddressed. Failing to address and communicate about significant issues or concerns leads to resentment and repressed anger – both of which will ultimately lead to a dissatisfying relationship or relationship breakdown. At other times the silly arguments are the result of negative communication patterns where both you and your partner are making assumptions and insinuations about what each of you are saying, playing into your frustrations and fears, failing to properly listen to each other. This kind of unhealthy communication is not always indicative of the way that you actually feel about each other – it’s just a nasty argument cycle that you can’t seem to avoid. Couples counselling can help you understand and improve the way you communicate with your partner, teaching you skills such as empathy, patience and listening which can help you break your argument cycles. Relationship counselling gurus Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman* explain the four main communication issues which lead couples into negative argument cycles. These are:

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To be a good girlfriend, you have to be open and honest with your partner, supportive of their wants and needs, and willing to demonstrate your love and affection for them. Keep in mind that you should also strive to maintain your own independence to enjoy a healthy relationship.

If your partner is acting passive toward you, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't love you. It most likely means they are shy or introverted. Perhaps they have never been in a relationship before and just doesn't know how to act. Or maybe they just aren't the kind of person to shout from the rooftops but they still feel deeply for you. Talk to them about what causes them to act that way and. Perhaps they're expecting you to take more initiative, because you've had more experience with relationships than they have. Or perhaps it really is just their way and you need to get used to it.

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