Why do my girlfriend and I keep fighting over little things?

The truth is, that while it might seem like you're arguing over nothing, this type of arguing is usually a sign of unresolved issues. If one or both partners has underlying anxieties or resentments about something, a simple misinterpreted comment can send them into defensiveness, and an argument will start.

remainly.com - Why do couples argue over nothing? | Remainly

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Why do couples argue over nothing?

Arguing over “nothing” is a common relationship problem. It usually starts with a harmless comment, a slightly-off tone of voice or a conversation topic that is perceived to be a criticism or attack. Regardless of how your partner intended their words to come across, your perception of what they have said can cause you to go on the defensive very quickly. From here, an argument can quickly snowball.

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Unresolved issues

The truth is, that while it might seem like you’re arguing over nothing, this type of arguing is usually a sign of unresolved issues. If one or both partners has underlying anxieties or resentments about something, a simple misinterpreted comment can send them into defensiveness, and an argument will start.

Layers of issues

Often, it will turn out that the thing we are arguing about, which may seem like nothing, is just part of a bigger issue. For example, you and your partner may regularly have an argument about who does more chores in the house. While the argument that results from this may seem small – for example, whose turn it is to do the laundry – the actual basis of the argument uncovers deeper feelings about how supported each partner feels in the relationship.

-> Learn to avoid destructive arguing

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External pressures

Sometimes, external pressures can be the cause of these underlying issues, rather than a problem within the relationship itself. For example, work stresses, financial problems or a bereavement can all put extra pressure on a person. With external factors playing on your mind, your patience for dealing with anything else can wear thin. This can cause you to have reactions to small comments that can seem extreme. It is often difficult to resolve these external pressures, as many times they are factors out of your control. However, something you can do is introduce better coping strategies for yourself (or partner) to help calm you in situations that trigger your defensiveness and reduce the risk of starting an argument.

-> Learn to communicate better

Re-connect

Arguments often come when a couple feels disconnected from each other. Maybe you’ve been spending less time together than previously, with work or family commitments getting in the way?

By taking the time to re-connect and spend some quality time together, you might find that you begin to feel more relaxed around one another, and less likely to jump straight to defensiveness.

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Breaking the argument cycle

Think about times in the past when you have argued over nothing and see if there are any patterns in the topics or ways in which the conversation starts. You may be able to identify a trigger that is causing these actions. If you are struggling to uncover or talk about these unresolved issues, then online couples therapy could be of great use to both partners. Therapy is a very useful tool for helping to identify underlying issues and allows both couples to discuss them openly and honestly to find a resolution.

Online counselling

Many couples may see counselling as unnecessary for arguments like these, as on the surface it seems like you’re not really arguing about anything at all. This is where online counselling can be of great help. Here at Remainly, we use video-led resources that couples can access in their own time at home, without needing to book an appointment, to help them understand and overcome the reasons behind their arguments.

-> Try Remainly today - Register for free

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What causes a person to be abusive?

Abusive people believe they have the right to control and restrict their partner's lives, often either because they believe their own feelings and needs should be the priority in the relationship, or because they enjoy exerting the power that such abuse gives them.

thehotline.org - Why Do People Abuse | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

Tactics of abuse (in any form) may be aimed at dismantling equality in the relationship in order to make their partners feel less valuable and undeserving of respect. Domestic violence stems from a desire to gain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abusive people believe they have the right to control and restrict their partner’s lives, often either because they believe their own feelings and needs should be the priority in the relationship, or because they enjoy exerting the power that such abuse gives them. Abuse is a learned behavior. Some people witness it in their own families growing up; others learn it slowly from friends, popular culture, or structural inequities throughout our society. No matter where they develop such behaviors, those who commit abusive acts make a choice in doing so — they also could choose not to. There are many people who experience or witness abuse who use their experiences to end the cycle of violence and heal themselves without harming others. While outside factors (including drug or alcohol addiction) can escalate abuse, it’s important to recognize that these issues do not cause domestic abuse themselves.

Who does abuse affect?

Anyone can be abusive and anyone can be the victim of abuse. Abuse happens regardless of gender, age, sexuality, race, economic status, ability, citizenship status, or any other factor or identity. Feelings of confusion, fear, or anger are normal responses to abuse, but they may also make you feel isolated or like no one will understand. Remember that expert advocates from The Hotline are available 24/7 to talk through your situation and help you build a safety plan tailored to your circumstances. Being abusive is a decision: it’s a strategic behavior by your partner to create their desired power dynamic.

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