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thefemininewoman.com - 9 Reasons Why Men Go Hot & Cold + What You Need To Do

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Why is he hot and cold?

Many women have asked themselves this question, often without great answers.

Allow me to assist you in finding the right insights and answers right now. When a guy suddenly goes cold on you or acts distant all of a sudden, there could be a few things going on. How you should interpret this and what you should do as a response to him depends on the primary reason why he has gone cold. We’ll discuss later in this article the 5 steps you need to take when a man goes cold on you. In the meantime, here are 9 possible reasons why a man has suddenly gone cold on you.

Why do guys go hot and cold?

What does it mean when a guy is hot and cold?

It means that he acts warm and loving towards you one minute, and then he pulls away, creating distance and disconnects with you the next. He is overall inconsistent in the way he approaches the relationship with you, and it signifies that perhaps he isn’t as committed as you deserve. Regardless, the answer to the question “why is he so hot and cold?” is that even though there’s multiple possible reasons, all the reasons why he’s hot and cold fall into three main categories.

These three categories are:

He is just being a man.

And you’re being a woman, so you feel him as hot and cold when he’s just being a man.

Men have different modes, and they compartmentalize their focus.

This means that he’ll be warm with you when he cuddles on the couch with you, when he talks to you and when he’s making love to you, but will go cold when it’s time for him to leave or do something else. This is because it takes lazer-focus and masculine intensity to solve problems. He has to be empty of connection and drama in order to get things done as all men do. Not only this, but as a relationship progresses, it’s common for men to go more cold because a different part of them is showing up.

This is the natural course of events (more on that soon).

He’s acting on past trauma.

In this category there are the narcissists and the men who have had past trauma, and they don’t feel safe enough, emotionally regulated enough or worthy enough to be with you properly. This category also involves the men who are moody and have disorganized attachment style as well. He is not in love with you and you haven’t formed real emotional attraction yet. This means that you’ll always be given just crumbs, including him being hot and cold.

He’s manipulative and toxic.

There are men who don’t know any other way of wooing women that to be controlling and manipulative. These men will give you lots of attention, and just when they see you light up with joy, they’ll pull away just to control you as well as fake the image that they’re high status and desirable. Now let me explain more about why it’s common for men to seem hot and cold after coming on strong and being so romantic with you.

Why would he be distant when everything seemed to be going well?

At the beginning, he comes on strong.

He pursues you relentlessly, buys you gifts, compliments you, plans dates and outings, and makes an effort to make you feel special.

Then, weeks or months down the track, it stops. He pulls away.

He stops complimenting you and starts to seem distant.

He says he’s ‘too busy’ or ‘under a lot of stress’, he stops planning things and even becomes more passive. Perhaps he’s said that he’s not sure about his feelings for you, and goes hot and cold. What’s interesting is that this experience with a man going hot and cold is common, and it’s not always a bad thing.

Now:

This is not the path every man/woman relationship always takes, but it is certainly the same path many women have had to go through.

So.

What happened?

When a different part of him surfaces…

Here’s a general run down on what happened.

You may feel confused, unloved, ‘duped’, and you probably have other men who are willing to give you attention, right?

So why does this man – whom things were so great with at the beginning – suddenly seem like a completely different person?

Well, it’s partly because he has become a different person, and so have you. When you understand that, it becomes easier to answer why is he hot and cold.

Here is what happened…

When we are in lust, or even when we fall in love at the beginning of a relationship, our instincts are at work. What is at work is a primitive part of the brain, a part that some call the ‘lizard brain’. This is the part of the brain that is in every living creature, of course, reptiles included. It’s there to help us survive. Survival is paramount for this part of our brain, and so is procreation and baby making. When you are very attracted to someone at the beginning, you (and them) subconsciously put out the ‘best’ parts of yourself, whether you like it or not. At this stage, you are driven by your instincts. At this stage, the man claims he loves babies, children and prams. And the woman is crazy about the man, is super warm towards him, she wants sex a lot, and is pretty easy to make happy.

What happens when a man & a woman first get together?

Here’s an interesting conclusion from a recent study:

When men fall in love, their testosterone levels lower.

However, when women fall in love, their testosterone levels are increased (creating more equal testosterone levels in the man and the woman). Because of this, at this early stage of the relationship, men and women differ far less than they normally would in their behaviour and interactions.

So what does this tell you?

It tells you that after a few weeks or months, even 3-9 months, your instincts aren’t such a strong driving force anymore. Instead the other parts of your personality, as well as the other parts of your man, start to surface.

We aren’t putting on our best show anymore.

Not only that, but because your behaviour and biochemistry starts to become more and more different after the initial period, he starts to meet a resistance (which I will talk more about below). Knowing that you biochemistry can actually change drastically with time, it becomes easier to answer the conundrum: why is he hot and cold. We might like to think that we can control this kind of thing, and not be ‘phony’ at the start. Yet, a lot of the workings of the lizard brain occur without us having any control over it. Recommended: How To Talk To A Man So He Won’t Pull Away & Go Cold. You are not always in control of your future with a man, but you can influence it

I’ll give you an example.

Have you ever promised yourself you would NEVER do something EVER again?

And after you do it, you think “hang on, what am I doing? Didn’t I promise myself I wasn’t going to do that?!!”

Of course, you have!

We all have.

This is the subconscious part of your brain simply going for what feels great in the moment. Kind of like getting a quick fix in the moment of an emotional difficulty. How & why a man’s behaviour changes after spending some months with you So what happens is that even though things seem so great in the beginning, over time, things change.

Your instincts are no longer such an enormous drive.

Of course, your instincts still drive you a lot, just less than when you were initially driven by intense lust, sexual opportunity and novelty. After the initial excitement wears off, it becomes much harder for the man to make the woman happy. You become far less easy to make happy.

It’s harder for him to WIN with you.

At least it feels that way to him because now you’ve got reality to deal with.

Now you are both seeing the other parts of each other.

Not just the ‘Mr. Perfect’ you saw at the beginning and not just the ‘Little Miss Perfect’ YOU! Because NOW, it’s not new anymore, maybe those feel-good brain chemicals are not running like mad. And now you actually have to work at it. Which is a hard reality to deal with, for many. Even if you truly have good intentions, and want to work on something, it’s hard to know what to do.

And it’s hard for a man to know what to do!

There are 7 common signs a woman is perceived as low value to all men, because men simply perceive value differently to women. Do you know what these signs are and how to avoid them like the plague? CLICK HERE to download this special report.

If he can’t ‘win’ with you, it can make a man withdraw

Since a man wants to make you happy (this need is at the core of him), this is like a blow to the guts for many men. And they may get confused, withdraw, and start to feel less inclined to take things to the next level. Partly because they are not being made to feel like a man anymore. And if he doesn’t feel like he was able to please you, or if he didn’t feel like he was enough for you – he will feel hurt.

This is hard for a man to take.

If a man feels like he’s not able to make you happy, or if he’s afraid you will be impossible to make happy – he’s going to pull away. He may also get confused, leave to take a breather, or run hot and cold in response to your changing moods and level of happiness too.

Even if he genuinely loves you.

He’s probably had past experiences with women where he was hurt.

We’ve all been hurt in an intimate relationship before, and he’s just a bit scared.

Perhaps he’s not willing to admit it, but scared nonetheless.

Now:

You’re probably wondering why he came on so strong at the start. And why does the change in his behavior have to be so drastic?

Let’s talk a little more about why men have to come on so hot at the start now, as that will help us answer why is he hot and cold. By the way, you may find it relevant to know that there is ONE specific emotional trigger within EVERY man in this world that makes him WANT to commit to one woman, want to take care of her, and worship ONLY her, for the rest of his life.

CLICK Here to find out what this ONE specific emotional trigger is.

Men “have to” come on strong

See, if a man really desires you OR if he is falling in love with you, he HAS to come on strong. It’s part of how nature works. He wouldn’t secure a mate or pass on his genes otherwise. This is how it works in the animal kingdom, and it still works similar to us humans, even though men have become a lot more passive in this modern era. He has to come on strong to get sex from you or to form a bond with you, regardless of whether or not he is in love with you.

Here are 5 unusual signs a man is falling in love.

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Yes, I said regardless of whether or not he is in love with you. See, men will come on strong whether they are interested in casual sex with you, or whether they want to commit deeper with you. On a primal level, this helps him to secure you as a mate, and it leads, hopefully, to procreation and babies. As a woman, it’s not always easy to gauge the specific reason why a man coming on strong.

Is he doing it because he is truly feeling a romantic bond with you?

Or is he coming on strong because he just wants sex?

To help you work out this conundrum, here are 3 GOOD Reasons Why You Need to be Worried when he Comes on Strong. Regardless of whether you like the idea of men coming on strong in the beginning, it has its benefits for evolution. Remember that you and I wouldn’t be here right now, if our male ancestors didn’t make their moves and pursue females strongly. So even though you feel hurt, and you’re scared of losing him, remember and try to appreciate that men have their masculine meanings and masculine biases when dating you, a woman with a feminine bias. Regardless of whether you think he’s being a moody bi*ch because he’s blowing hot and cold, or perhaps you feel like you’ve done something wrong. It’s actually just a necessary part of the natural cycle of your relationship.

Now – back to what I said above about reality setting in.

Reality sets in for both of you after the initial period, and what happens is the man then feels some resistance.

Meeting the resistance

If you are a member of our program Commitment Control, you would already be aware of what commitment resistance is, and how to overcome commitment resistance in a man.

However, just for now, all you need to know is this:

A man usually meets resistance at some point in time in the relationship with you, which means he meets his own fears and conflicts. This is where YOU come in, and where what you do as a woman, in your relationship with him (or any future man for that matter) is absolutely crucial. Not all men are commitment ready. Take this quick quiz to see if your man is commitment friendly and commitment ready.

You Need to do tHIS to Stop Him Running Hot & Cold

The main point to take home here is that men and women are completely different. I know we live in a world where we are encouraged to think that men and women aren’t different.

But that’s just propaganda trying to override our instincts.

Sure, in some ways, men and women really aren’t that different!

But when it comes to our reproductive agendas, men and women act very differently in dating (and even when in established relationships).

So:

It’s not easy to control how a man acts and to completely stop him from running hot and cold. As I mentioned above, there could be multiple reasons (some relating to his own internal issues) that he is going hot and cold. But there is something you can do about it that will make your next steps easier. If you want to stop your man from running hot and cold, you need to understand how men think, what they value, and how men work. Men and women even use different parts of their brains more than the other sex. In order for you to get the best out of your guy, you need to understand what is truly valuable to men. You’ll need to understand what makes you a woman of value to men. You need to understand how to become that valuable woman he’s going to long for, the woman he misses badly and wants to commit to for the rest of his life. When you become a woman of value to men, this gives you three potential benefits: You’ll get to remove his defences, get closer to him and find it easier to get him to reveal his thoughts and feelings It’s going to be less likely that you’ll keep meeting men who run hot and cold; and You’ll know you’re valuable enough to walk away from men who will be hot and cold forever (If you want to know whether he’s really serious about you or just stringing you along, here are 6 Burning Signs He Doesn’t Want A Relationship With You.)

What makes a man commit to you

Remember that a man will commit to you when he subconsciously and consciously feels that you are a valuable woman to him. In other words, when there’s plenty of emotional connection and emotional attraction in the relationship. Most of us want a lifelong mate who is high quality, so you can’t blame him for that. Many men have commitment resistance, but if you know how to overcome it – it never needs to happen again in your relationship. It’s not hard to get a man to want to devote himself to you… This happens when you make him feel like you are the right woman. When he feels like you’re the right woman, everything else falls into place, and you will hardly ever have to answer the question “why is he hot and cold??”

So:

What is the right woman?

There is only ONE right type of woman to all men in this world, and that is the woman they put in the ‘one and only’ category. The only other category there is for men to place women in is the ‘one of many’ category. If you’re in the one of many category, you will only ever feel like you’re getting crumbs from him.

You may always feel insecure in the relationship.

But when you are the one and only woman, almost all doubts you have will be put to rest, because he will invest everything he has in you.

Everything.

Including emotional resources, sex, attention, money and time.

So, would you like to learn the 5 feminine secrets to have him fall in love with you and BEG you to be his one and only woman?

(The promise of this course is for you to have your chosen man fall in love with you & beg you to be his one & only by embodying these 5 feminine secrets, even if he’s been distant, avoidant, or losing interest…)

The path to a long-term relationship is different for men

If you’re thinking this all just sounds like men want everything to be easy, and won’t ‘man up’ and stick things through, I understand. It really does seem to be the truth when you look at it initially. But when you get a little understanding of how men work, you realize that your perceptions are not 100% true. They are true to you as a woman, but not really true from a man’s perspective. There are really good reasons why men don’t put more “effort” into the relationship with you.

See, for you as a woman, attachment will often feel completely natural.

You want to go further, take things further, get a man to open up, and maybe create a future together.

Men want this, too.

However, men work differently to women.

So they need to feel a different thing to what you feel in order to want to be with you all the time, and be deeply committed to you.

They take a slightly different path to you as a woman.

You’d be amazed what you’d find if you look into a woman’s relationship timeline versus a man’s relationship timeline. Before he will be willing to step up to the plate and continue with the deep connection you had in the beginning, he needs to feel like a man with you.

Remember the research I talked about above? About how when a man falls in love, his testosterone levels actually lower?

Well, as a general rule, being connected to you and being in relationship with you (a woman) for an extended time, doesn’t really make him feel like a man, at his core. Yes, being with a feminine woman CAN make a man feel like a man, and naturally would. Yet, talking with you, having intimate conversations with you, engaging in loving exchanges with you over and over for a very long time can feel like suffocation to a man, when he hasn’t had a chance to re-group.

(Especially when he’s already under stress.)

So what can you do when a man goes hot and cold? How can you maintain your value as well as maximizing your chances of bringing him closer?

Right now if your man seems to be running hot and cold and you feel scared, taken for granted or confused, here are the 5 action steps you can take. Step #1: Work out if he is SERIOUS about you, or just “interested”. The first thing I recommend that you do moving forward, is to get some clarity and understanding of his intent towards you. Work out whether he is actually serious about you, or if he is just “interested”. There’s a huge difference between what a man is willing to do for you and with you, when he’s serious about you, versus when he’s just interested.

I have an article to help you work out whether he IS serious about you or just interested right here: Is He Serious About You or Just “Interested”?

Step #2: Know that a man will pull away at some point

Why is he hot and cold?

Because men compartmentalise their focus.

If he’s got a project or a big problem to solve, there’s no way that he can be as warm to you!

Remember this:

Men have evolved over millions of years to be hunters!

To bring home food, to kill beasts, and to work in a group with their comrades to achieve a result. Ie: kill the food, and bring it home. Men are not originally made to have their default mode of operation be to actively seek out long-term relationships with women. Men’s default operation was set to seek out procreation, have sex and pass on his genes in to tomorrow.

(That is the first layer of truth to this.)

Don’t fret just yet! There’s something much more positive to this. And that is that we as humans were made to pair bond, too. However, men will only seek out relationships with the woman they see as the right woman. So the fact that he’s wired to seek out sex by default, is not necessarily bad for you. None of this means he’s not going to be in a relationship with you and nor does it mean he CAN’T be. Of course he can. It’s just that you have to make him see you as the ‘right’ woman (which is the one and only woman. Not the one of many woman.) You need do to this so that he feels safe to progress with you.

His pulling away doesn’t mean you’ve done something ‘wrong’

Once you acknowledge that his pulling away doesn’t mean you’ve done anything ‘wrong’, you can feel more free. It’s not really you, it’s him wanting to feel free (feel like a man), to meet his own needs first. Perhaps he wants to take a short breather or break from the relationship. That’s not always bad. It can give him an opportunity to miss you badly. Once you’ve got this space between yourself and a man, and you acknowledge that his pulling away is just trying to meet his own needs, then you can then proceed to free yourself from suffering. You can free yourself from feeling rejected, to then get in a better emotional state so that you can work from a position of power to make the relationship (or your future relationships) better.

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This will allow you to give him space. Give him time. He needs it to re-charge and to feel like a man again.

Give him the space and time he needs.

This is going to begin the process of getting him to associate you with the feeling of being able to be feel like a man. Step #3: Take out a piece of paper & write down everything you’re afraid of

Are you afraid of not being good enough for him?

Are you afraid he is going to go back to his ex?

Are you afraid he doesn’t love you? Or that he’s cheating on you?

Write down everything you fear (write each fear beneath the other so you have space for the next part of the exercise). Write down everything. And just when you think you’ve got everything, write down a few more things you fear.

Keep writing until you’ve got nothing left.

Step #4: Write down a new meaning next to your fears

Now look at your list. There’s a lot of fears, aren’t there?

Now, next to each fear you have listed – write down a new meaning for that fear.

For example:

Say you fear that he doesn’t love you and will reject you again. Your new meaning could be (my new meaning would be): “I cannot be rejected. Even if a man rejects my love, I have infinite love inside of me. And even when I do feel rejected, I can still love, because I am a feminine woman who is full of love.” No-one can TRULY reject me, they can only show me that I am not the right woman for them.

I am only rejected if I BELIEVE people are rejecting me.”

Another example:

Say you fear that you are not as good as his ex-girlfriend.

Your new meaning would be, instead of: “I could never compare to his ex girlfriend because he’s so obsessed over her”, your new meaning could be: “I have everything I need within me right NOW to be more than enough for this man, and even more than his ex is. I know that even if he does the thing I fear the most – which is leave me – I am far too powerful a woman to diminish myself because of this. I might grieve, it might hurt, but that grief will only make me stronger for the right man. I will be a better lover for the right man for me, even if this relationship doesn’t work out.” Step #5: Every time you feel the old fears coming up, Do this. From these new meanings you give to your fears, you will be able to increase your value and make him realize your value as a woman, because you won’t be doing things from a place of desperation or neediness. When you do things from a place of desperation or neediness, you end up just extracting value from a man’s life, rather than adding value. And it doesn’t matter whether you end up with this man or not. What matters is that you have this understanding and this strength inside of yourself to become a better lover. For yourself (so that you can attract that fulfilling relationship), and for your current man or future man. An important point to note: when you give a man space, and you do the steps I’ve given you above, you’ll notice a difference in your own energy. When you work on yourself and work from your newfound understanding of men, you’ll notice that he will be more likely to call you first and ask how you are.

Isn’t that a nice thought?

Now I’m going to answer the most common questions women have regarding why is he hot and cold, and “why does he act interested one minute and distant the next?” SECRETS REVEALED… Discover how you too can use this little known “Dark Feminine Art” to weed out the toxic men whilst cultivating real emotional attraction with high value high esteemed men. (CLICK HERE to enrol in this free class before it’s gone.)

Frequently Asked Questions On Why Men Go Hot And Cold

If you’re just dating (or not even dating yet), guys will act cold in order to look cool and to avoid coming across as needy. It’s a way for a guy to remain in control.

Remember this:

The masculine men of the world don’t like to lose control, and nor do they like to lose the appearance of status, especially among women. If he lost either of these two things, then he would no longer feel like a man. Here are the little known reasons why he acts interested one minute and distant the next: He has an anxious attachment style and somehow finds interesting with you triggers his anxious attachment He was putting his best foot forward and got tired, so retreated or focused on something more rewarding and exciting He’s addicted to your attention, and when you don’t give it, he pulls away He is a narcissist and is love bombing you ( watch out for these red flags ) ) He feels unworthy of love deep down inside, so is trying hard to control his own nervous system and feelings. Guys who run hot and cold could be trying to get closer to you, but when hey feel they’re not enough, could pull away love out of fear

He’s emotionally unavailable

He may be following bad dating advice that tells him to give you attention and then quickly withdraw it so that you become hooked. Beware of getting sucked into this, because it can create a trauma bond. (Here’s how to identify a trauma bond and break it) Last but not least, he’s put you in the ‘one of many’ basket, so his attention is being shared among many other women, not just you. My advice? Get out of the one of many basket immediately, or find a a new man and make sure you’re in the one and only basket from the start. There are 7 common signs a woman is perceived as low value to all men, because men simply perceive value differently to women. Do you know what these signs are and how to avoid them like the plague? CLICK HERE to download this special report.

How Do You Tell If A Guy Is Confused About His Feelings For You?

He has mixed emotions about you.

He goes hot and cold a lot.

He stays in your life and has a “situationship” with you, but will not escalate his commitment to you.

He finds odd things to nit pick about you.

He sends mixed messages.

He seems to be waiting until something “better” comes along.

You don’t trust him not to try to get attention (or even sex) from other women. He has excuses for not committing more (and keeps trying to buy more time to have you in his life without committing).

Here are 10 Signs of A Commitment Phobic Man.

What Causes Hot And Cold Behavior?

Why is he hot and cold?

When someone is hot and cold, often it’s because they do not want to feel more vulnerable, and because they are ambivalent towards the idea of committing more to the relationship. Instead, their primary focus is on being in control (of themselves and possibly you as well). Hot and cold behaviour can be the strategy of an emotionally unavailable man, or a man who has avoidant attachment style. But remember, just because a man isn’t interested in having a relationship with you, doesn’t automatically mean he’s emotionally unavailable or avoidant – they don’t always go hand in hand. Case Study: Learn How our member Alison went from attracting perpetual abusive relationships… …To finally learning the skill of weeding out the wrong types of men, and passing the hardest test of them all… an accidental pregnancy after a month of dating! (…All by learning one simple skill.)

Why Is He Hot And Cold Over Text?

He could be hot and cold over text because of the following reasons: The conversation is boring. (To change this, you can learn the dark feminine art of high value banter ). ). The conversation has lots of excitement and emotional attraction at one point in time, but the conversation momentum dies down the next, so he doesn’t feel it’s worth his energy anymore. at one point in time, but the conversation momentum dies down the next, so he doesn’t feel it’s worth his energy anymore. He’s only interested in one part of you, not the other parts. (Ie: he doesn’t like the needy parts of you or the scared parts of you, he only likes the happy and sexual parts of you). He’s doesn’t really trust you or the relationship he has with you, so he’ll take what he can get when it suits him only. There are 7 common signs a woman is perceived as low value to all men, because men simply perceive value differently to women. Do you know what these signs are and how to avoid them like the plague? CLICK HERE to download this special report.

What Does It Mean When Your Boyfriend Starts Acting Distant?

It could mean that he doesn’t have the attention and emotional resources needed right now in order to give you what you need.

He could also be trying to protect himself from something.

He might be protecting himself from having to spend more time and money, or protecting himself from being hurt. When your boyfriend starts acting distant, it could also mean that he doesn’t trust you as much. Never forget, it could also mean that your boyfriend wasn’t as committed as you hoped he was. This isn’t likely if you were already in a deeply committed relationship with a lot of emotional attraction and emotional connection.

I hope these questions helped you answer the question of why is he hot and cold. The question now is, what next?

Becoming a woman who men are dying to commit to…

To end this, I would love to teach you 5 secrets to having your man fall deeply in love with you and beg you to be his one and only. These 5 secrets are inside of my brand new program “Becoming His One & Only”. Click HERE to get yourself a copy! And if you want to take things further, really get a deep understanding of men and what is going to inspire him to commit organically, here’s what to do. I suggest that you check out our understanding men program.