Why being needy is unattractive?

Being needy essentially says “you're so much better than me, please pick me”. Not a great sales pitch. Neediness is repulsive because we've evolved to recognise it as a bad signal. It's like a fear of spiders or scorpions: a primal instinct which protects our best interests, even if we don't understand why.

oliveremberton.com - Why neediness is unattractive - Oliver Emberton

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Why neediness is unattractive

Let’s play a mating game.

Put 100 men and 100 women in a sealed room. On each person’s forehead, write a random number from 1 to 10, and call that their ‘attractiveness’. You’re not able to see the number on your forehead, and no-one will tell you what it is either. The game is to pair up with the highest ranked person of the opposite sex that you can. Pretty much immediately, any nines and tens are surrounded by huge crowds vying for their attention. If the crowds flock towards you, you know your score must be pretty damn good. If strangers flee as you approach – not so much. People will lower their expectations when rebuffed, and raise them when surrounded. If every single person you meet wants to pair with you, you’ll probably never settle for less than a ten. But for everyone else, you’re forced to guess and gamble. And the clue to your attractiveness is how needy other people act around you. This game is simpler than real life, but the essence holds: if someone is desperate to be with you, chances are they think you’re better than they are. They may be utterly wrong, but that’s what they’re conveying. Conversely, if someone is aloof with their affections, they probably think they can do better. They may also be wrong, but in both cases we’re wired to interpret this as feedback on our own attractiveness. You’re trying to guess the number on your head, and their feedback is all you have. You can’t help being influenced by this, and it’s one reason why ‘playing it cool’ is such an attractive trait, even if it’s such an easily contrived one. Being needy essentially says “you’re so much better than me, please pick me”. Not a great sales pitch. Neediness is repulsive because we’ve evolved to recognise it as a bad signal. It’s like a fear of spiders or scorpions: a primal instinct which protects our best interests, even if we don’t understand why.

If this strikes you as depressing and soulless, take heart.

Real life has a few extra qualities that make it less of a one-dimensional meat market. For one: all numbers can change. But most of all: everyone sees a slightly different number when they look at each other.

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Question

In the beginning of our relationship, my girlfriend had so much time available, but now she doesn't. What should I do?

wikiHow

The most trusted how-to site on the internet. The most trusted how-to site on the internet. Our goal at wikiHow is to deliver trustworthy articles that engage our readers and meet their informational and emotional needs. For 15 years, we've committed to our step-by-step teaching model, and we continue to refine our content to create the best how-to experience on the Internet. We’ve helped millions of people solve problems, learn new skills, and feel supported in the ordinary and complex moments of life. wikiHow The most trusted how-to site on the internet. Expert Answer It's completely understandable that you crave more of your girlfriend's company, especially if you used to enjoy tons of quality time in the first stages of your relationship! First, check in and see what's going on in her life—she may have new responsibilities or she may be in a tough spot emotionally. If she needs any support, offer it to her and encourage her to lean on her community. Then, reassure her that you love her and that you'd like to share quality time with each other. Collaborate to find activities that fit into her schedule and match her energy level. For example, she might just want to cuddle and watch movies on the weekends. Try to make future plans to improve your bond when time frees up for her. You might be able to go on a quick getaway at some point and really recharge!

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