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Why am I struggling to be intimate with my partner?

“The fear of intimacy can be caused by different reasons including abuse or neglect, medical problems, fear of abandonment, or religious beliefs. Sometimes, it can even be a combination of issues and securing the help of a professional is necessary.”

talkspace.com - Fear of Intimacy: Signs, Causes, and How to Overcome It - Talkspace

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Couples Therapy Relationship-centered therapy that connects you and your partner Learn more

Common Signs of Fear of Intimacy

There are a number of common fear of intimacy signs and issues to be aware of. Many people mistakenly assume that intimacy issues can only be found in relationships that are sexual in nature. In reality, you can experience a fear of intimacy in any type of relationship, whether it be platonic, romantic, or even familial. Often the fear of being close to others on any level leads to self-sabotaging the relationship before things can get too intense. There are other signs beyond sabotaging, too. They can include:

Perfectionism

People with a fear of intimacy may feel an extreme need to be perfect. They might believe they’re not worthy of a deep, true love or connection with another person, so they yearn to be perfect to “earn” that love.

Serial dating

Serial dating is another very common sign of intimacy issues. As things become more serious and intense in a relationship, the urge to end things and start something new can be a driving force in the eventual demise of a relationship. The serial dating pattern may be interpreted as a “commitment phobia” or “intimacy phobia” by others trying to understand why relationships never last beyond a certain point.

Difficulty stating one’s needs

Fear of intimacy can result in someone not being able to aptly express what they need and want from a partner or relationship. That lack of communication can create a pattern that makes it impossible to have basic needs fulfilled. This can lead to an unhealthy belief that they don’t deserve to be in a fulfilling relationship.

Having a hard time with physical contact

Physical contact can be problematic on two levels for someone with intimacy issues. Either they may totally avoid intimacy or they may constantly crave it. Both patterns can be detrimental to a healthy relationship, as the other partner is left trying to navigate unhealthy demands or expectations about how much and what types of contact are desired and allowed.

Low self-esteem

Low self-esteem can affect many aspects of a romantic relationship. For the person who has a fear of intimacy, it can directly relate to feelings of inadequacy that reinforce the idea someone isn’t deserving of a loving relationship.

Trust issues

A fear of intimacy can sometimes be linked to trust issues in a relationship and fear of rejection. If someone’s trying to avoid connecting on a deeper level, it’s not uncommon for a fear of trust to also be present.

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What date should you hold hands?

Typically, couples start holding hands on the third day of "going out" at the earliest. Read on to find out more on how to hold hands, and how to react to your partner if they don't seem to want to hold your hand: Just try the next time you guys go out.

wikihow.com - How to Hold Hands With Your Girl/Boy Friend: 7 Steps - wikiHow

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If he does pull away or seems uncomfortable with holding hands, STOP, and whatever you do, don't seem offended. If you do, he may feel like you are mad at him because of his opinion and that is not a good situation. You may apologize, or just slightly nod, and show you understand. If you are out to dinner, and he is across from you, you can reach for his hand over or under the table. If he pulls away, stop, he is not ready! You never want to push your partner into doing something they don't want to do. If you pressure him, he may feel awkward and break up with you. If you are sitting next to each other, you can easily hold his hand, without stretching your arms out. If you are watching a movie, or a play, he may put his arm around you. If so you can reach your arm out and rub his hand (the one on your shoulder, or his free one). He may bring his hand up, and you can lock fingers.

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