Photo: Artem Podrez

Why affairs never work out?

Part of what makes an affair's relationship work is the secrecy and excitement of keeping it a secret. Once the betrayed spouse finds out, the affair loses a lot of its appeal. The new partner doesn't seem as enticing when it isn't a secret anymore. So, affairs usually fizzle out after the affair find the light of day.

regain.us - Do Affairs Ever Work? Why You Might Be Wasting Your Time | Regain

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"So, how did you two meet?"

"We met by having an affair."

(silence)

Generations ago, is was easier to keep an affair secret because the of spreading the word to the world through the internet was absent. Plus, things were simply different back then; it was common for society to turn their heads and look the other way at the first whiff of infidelity. It was kept hush-hush and swept under the rug. But with the advance of social media and technology, along with a more liberal view on infidelity, affairs, whether under the scrutiny of the Hollywood spotlight and corresponding gossip magazines, or within the homes on the white picket-lined fences on Main Street, USA, have been brought to the forefront. There are even websites today based entirely on finding people to have an affair with! But the types of affairs we see on the front covers of magazines at the checkout stand are the full-blown physical affairs. Even within our inner circles of friends and family, we hear about co-workers sneaking out for a private rendezvous, or the two married people secretly taking a weekend trip to a mountain resort for skiing and more; again, based on the all too common physical variety. But there are other forms of affairs, and underlying reasons and motives for those affairs. Here are different types of affairs-physical and non-physical: Affairs Are Painful, But They Don't Have To Be Devastating Licensed Relationship Counselors Can Help You Move Forward! The Lust Affair. This type of affair is the most common and is mostly about sex. It can feel really intense, but it's also the quickest to flame out. The Revenge Affair. This type of affair deals with anger and resentment toward their partner, and as a result, the affair is based on revenge. The Cyber Affair. Cyber affairs are kept secret and have an emotional and/or sexual undertone. With today's society spending more and more time online, it's no wonder that internet relationships are becoming more common. Several studies suggest that even though there is no in-person contact with an internet affair, it can be just as devastating as an affair with physical contact, triggering feelings of insecurity, anger, and jealousy. The Emotional Affair. This type of affair is solely based on an intimate and emotional connection with no sex involved. However, although there is no sexual physical contact, it's just as damaging, and is just as much an affair. The Family Affair. An example of this type of affair would be between a man and his sister-in-law. It's an affair within the family structure. This can be more damaging than other types of affairs because it can not only deteriorate the relationship between the partners, but between sister and sister, brother and brother, even long after the relationship has ended. "It's Not Really an Affair" Affair. In this affair, one party is available but the other isn't, and the available partner believes that the other will leave their partner or spouse, given enough time. Mind/Body Affair. Unlike having just a sexual affair or a purely emotional affair, this type of affair is both physical and emotional, and is therefore among the top of the most dangerous and damaging.

How Much Sleeping Around Is Going On?

It is estimated that between 30% and 60% of all married individuals in the United States will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage. Granted, 30% - 60% is a wide range; and understandably so: who really wants to admit they're cheating? It should be noted that these statistics deal with marriage infidelity, so the likelihood of affairs happening between non-married couples who don't have a marriage or children at stake would more likely hover around the higher end of the percentage spectrum.

Do Affairs Ever Work? Why You Might be Wasting Your Time

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Let's pose a question: Would you gamble all the money you had at the risk of losing it all? Would you gamble away all your money with a very small chance of winning? Yes, the temporary 'high" would sure feel good for a while. You might feel more alive than you had in years. It's the same with affairs. You're gambling away your relationship, your marriage, and possibly a future with your spouse and children-all in return for a temporary "high". So, unless you are 100% guaranteed that you will stay with the person you're having an affair with, and 100% guaranteed that, if there are children involved, that they won't be negatively affected, then it's a great bet.

Good luck.

First, affairs rarely last. From a one night stand after drinking too much at the bar or on a business trip to Miami, to a "long-term" affair which may, at the most, last anywhere from six months to two years, the only thing that affairs bring to the table is heartache, destruction, lack of trust, and trauma. Yes, in rare cases some affairs last a lifetime. But even those rare cases are relationships that are built off of an affair. That's no way to start off on a relationship. Plus, the chances of one of those people having an affair on someone else is just as great, if not greater.

Why Don't Affairs Ever Work?

Why? Because the illusion of an affair is based off of lies.

You've never been so happy (so you think). The person of your dreams has shown up out of nowhere and has swept you off your feet. They're perfect (so you think), and you can already see you both growing old and gray together. Well, those are delusions; and moreover, the very structure and foundation of the relationship, which is based off of the affair, is all one big lie. Here are some falsehoods:

You Think You've Found Your Soulmate

They're like no one else you've ever met. Not even your spouse. They "get" you, and you spend deep and meaningful conversations well into the early morning hours. The conversation flows so easily, and you always say the perfect things to each other. Bliss. This is an illusion. The "rush" and "euphoria" you're feeling is a rush all right-a rush of chemicals saturating your brain with good feelings. When the brain is flooded with dopamine, the feel-good brain chemical, people feel various degrees of well-being, from contentment to euphoria. High dopamine levels may be related to the "high" people experience early in a love affair. People in love also tend to notice less need for sleep and have extra energy. Some scientists think it's no coincidence that these are also common effects of amphetamines and cocaine, which alter the mind mainly by raising dopamine levels. But such a thing never lasts because once those chemicals wear off, you'll look yourself in the mirror and find yourself right back where you started. The very things that you are feeling-emotional connection, sex, "love", empathy-are all the things you are more likely lacking in your life. And instead of searching for why those things are craving for attention, you're seeking them in the arms of someone else.

You Are Having The Best Sex Of Your Life

Of course you're probably having great sex, and there are good reasons for it. It's the thrill of doing something naughty and wrong. It's taboo and that makes it exciting. The mere fact that you know you could get caught can increase sexual feelings. When people are in the moment of heightened sexual intimacy, all judgment and rationality tend to be thrown out the window. Add to that a lowered inhibition, and fireworks are abound. But in reality, sex based on an affair is short-lived and fleeting, and it will most likely fizzle out before long. Think back to the honeymoon stage with your spouse or partner and you probably had the same heightened intimacy then as well. Sex based on love and respect is far better; not through an affair.

You'll Never Get Caught

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Everyone entering an affair never thinks they're going to get caught. Otherwise, why would they even entertain the idea? By this point, the infatuation of the other person and the thrill of something that feels new and exciting has all but vanquished common sense and reality. The idea of getting caught is skewed as dopamine is coursing through your veins. Chances are you will most definitely get caught at some point. And the more times you act upon your impulses, the greater the chance someone will find out.

You'll Always Be The Priority

Affairs Are Painful, But They Don't Have To Be Devastating Licensed Relationship Counselors Can Help You Move Forward! Of course that's what the knight in shining armor wants you to believe because he's got motive-you! He'll throw all the sweet and comforting lines to you, bring a nice big bouquet of flowers, and make sure he always opens the car door-and the hotel door-for you. Men, she'll tell you all the encouraging things you want to hear. She'll emotionally lift you up and make you feel like a king. You'll always be each other's priority, so they'll say. But the podium you're standing on will surely crumble before long. He may go back to his wife or she may return to her boyfriend. You may be the priority for a short while in the midst of the infatuation, but it's really just a sad lie. The bottom line is that affairs never turn out well. They are destructive to the very core and foundation of a relationship and the love and trust between two people, not to mention the havoc and generational damage it can cause on children. So, do affairs ever work? I guess one could argue that if the definition of "work" means you're both still together for the rest of your lives, then technically, yes. It worked for you and your lover, but not for the other parties who were sacrificed and negatively affected. In essence, no, it didn't work. And are you wasting your time? Yes. There's nothing good that will ever come out of infidelity. It's not meant to be good, and it's not designed to be good.

So What Can You Do?

One or two married people having an affair usually emerges out of a long, slow decline in a relationship where one or both of the parties are seeking a void to be filled. It's possibly an emotional need which is not being filled by the other partner. Seeking professional help to figure out why you're acting out with an affair is a positive step toward healing both you and your relationship with your partner. Please know that you are not alone. At ReGain, there are caring and understanding professional counselors who will guide you through this time in your life. Online counseling through ReGain is available 7 days a week, 24/7, with licensed mental health professionals ready to help at a time and place that is convenient for you.

regain.us - Do Affairs Ever Work? Why You Might Be Wasting Your Time | Regain

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