Who suffer most in divorce?

This implies that both men and women feel hurt by a divorce, but women are emotionally stronger to handle it and move on after some time, while men may never fully recover from it. It is more so when it is the woman who initiated it.

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For couples enjoying marital happiness, the word divorce is better read in the papers or heard in the news. It is something many dread with so much passion, thus. Regardless, some people end up on that route, usually for their inability to reconcile certain differences with their partners, including issues that have to do with infidelity, childlessness, domestic abuse and other ‘irreconcilable’ differences. Expectedly, there is variation in the way men and women handle post-divorce experience, and many would readily assume that it bites women harder because they are known to be more emotional than men. In addition to the differing physique, women are seen as fragile; while men are adjudged stronger because they are (often) expected to be at the forefront in times of trouble, fend for their family and take up more responsibilities than women. And men take pride in being seen as stronger. But beyond these complementary qualities that place men ‘above’ women, one area men (in spite of their bravado) helplessly concede to women is in terms of emotional strength. It is therefore interesting to note that women cope better with divorce than men, especially if they (women) are the ones who initiated it. But it must be established that women feel hurt by divorce and they tend to feel cheated and more negatively affected. However, they come out of it after some time and they become stronger, while men may not recover fully, even though they tend to move on faster. In a study by researchers from Binghamton University in New York and University College London, they interviewed 5,705 volunteers from 96 countries to rate their emotional and physical pain after a breakup on a scale of one (none) to 10 (unbearable). The result was published on Mail Online. One of the researchers, Craig Morris, said the result of the exercise showed that women reported higher levels of pain, both physical and emotional. According to him, women averaged 6.84 in emotional pain while men averaged 6.58. And in terms of physical pain, women averaged 4.21 while men averaged 3.75. He said while breakups hit women the hardest, emotionally and physically, they tend to recover fully and come out emotionally stronger. Men, on the other hand, never fully recover, they simply move on. He said, “Put simply, women are evolved to invest far more in a relationship than a man. For example, a brief romantic encounter could lead to nine months of pregnancy followed by many years of lactation, while the man may have ‘left the scene’ literally minutes after the encounter, with no further biological investment. ‘It is this ‘risk’ of higher biological investment that, over evolutionary time, has made women choosier about selecting a high-quality mate. Hence, the loss of a relationship with a high-quality mate ‘hurts’ more for a woman. “Conversely, as men have evolved to compete for the romantic attention of women, the loss of a high-quality mate for a man may not ‘hurt’ as much at first. The man will likely feel the loss deeply and for a very long period of time as it ‘sinks in’ that he must ‘start competing’ all over again to replace what he has lost – or worse still, come to the realisation that the loss is irreplaceable.” This implies that both men and women feel hurt by a divorce, but women are emotionally stronger to handle it and move on after some time, while men may never fully recover from it. It is more so when it is the woman who initiated it.

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In another study by UK Guardian, women tend to feel liberated and even better after a divorce, especially if they have endured the hardship or discomfort for some time, while men are more likely to seek solace in drinking, sex orgies, going back to a sex partner or resort to online dating, as divorce often leaves them devastated, confused and betrayed, especially if the woman made the move for the divorce. The study equally revealed that while divorced men tend to resort to ‘negative’ activities like drinking, looking out for a partner or an ex they could quickly hook up with for casual sex, as a form of consolation, women tend to embrace positive activities that could pull them out of the mood, such as seeing a counsellor or spending time with friends and family members. The study recruited 3,515 divorced adults and asked them the impact of their break up. At the end of the study, it was found that women tend to handle post-divorce trauma better than men. While 46 per cent of women said they felt liberated and happier to be single, only 37 per cent of men had such revelation. And while 23 per cent of men were left devastated after the divorce, only 20 per cent of women gave such comment. In further demonstration of women’s ability to handle divorce better, the researchers gathered that seven per cent of men said they were suicidal afterwards while just three per cent of women felt same way after. Interestingly, the study revealed that men are more likely to remarry while most of such women would rather stay off new relationship. “More than two years after a divorce, 41 per cent of men were still sad about the failure of their marriage; for women the figure was only 33 per cent. The researchers, however, ascribed the result to the fact that women have “greater emotional strength” than men, which according to them, points to how men and women cope with changes in their life experiences. Looking at this from another perspective, the director of Centre for Research in Employment, Skills and Society at Kingston Business School, United Kingdom, Prof. Yannis Georgellis, said women tend to be happier with their lives years after divorce, more so that they feel liberated after the move, instead of enduring sadness in the union. In his study that involved 10,000 people in the UK, Georgellis said the outcome of the research, posted on Mail Online, showed how men and women react to major life changes, including marital issues, bereavement and job loss or unemployment. He concluded that just as men are usually the worse hit when they lose their jobs, which goes a long way to dampen their happiness, women are able to move on after a divorce, unlike men. He said, “In the study, we took into account the fact that divorce can sometimes have a negative financial impact on women, but despite that, it still makes them much happier than men. “One possible explanation could be that women who enter into an unhappy marriage feel much more liberated after divorce than their male counterparts. There is always hope that things will be better than before marriage but as the results suggest, on average, women are happier after divorce.”

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Meanwhile, it was gathered that when men file for divorce, they feel better as it could feel like a good riddance to an unwanted affair, even though it doesn’t leave their mind, while the women are left to sob. But after some time, women tend to recover and move on. Reason? They are emotionally stronger. How long that takes would depend on what they lost due to the marriage, like joint investment and not having the custody of their children. But when women file for divorce, they let go more easily, leaving the men confused, betrayed and cheated. It is for this simple reason that such men tend to beg, yes, beg the woman for forgiveness, usually out of deceit, so she could come back and for him to initiate the move afresh and lessen the initial pain. Reacting to the study, a psychologist, Dr. John Eze, said it would be too general to say women handle divorce better than men, as it depends on certain factors, which include the strength of their emotional attachment, presence of children and financial (in)dependence. He said if they were very intimate before the divorce and the man really loves the woman, he would be more affected, but if they were not very close, both of them may not feel it as much, “and either of them may already have a partner anyway.” He added, “If they have children, their attention turns to the children and in many cases, when women start having children, they have some allegiance to their husbands and children. So, if they lose their husband, the children serve as succour. But if the woman doesn’t have a child or they adopted a child, she is likely to be more affected, more so that she would have given up some of the ties she had previously because of marriage. “Income is another factor. If the woman is financially dependent on the man and they divorce, the woman would be more affected, but if she has a source of income, she is less affected.” Eze noted that men may likely feel the brunt of divorce more because women tend to enjoy the empathy of others, while men are left to take care of themselves which could lead to another woman they may not really like. He added, “Before the divorce, people should not cut their relationship with extended family members and friends because those are the people to fill the gap when the divorce takes effect. When there is divorce, people should get close to other people and they shouldn’t bear it alone.”

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