Photo: Kamaji Ogino

Which gender is happier after divorce?

A 2013 survey conducted by London's Kingston University said the majority of women were happier than they had ever been after divorcing. Another survey by Carphone Warehouse said 35% of women were less stressed after divorce compared to 17% of men.

prospecttherapy.com - 5 Reasons People Report Being Happier After Divorce — Couples ...

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File this under: Who’s going to tell them?

The romanticizing of life-long marriages has actually had a detrimental effect on relationships. We have started to see a backlash against longevity as the ultimate factor of successful relationships and marriages. Marriage itself is of course a nuanced, complex arrangement - but you wouldn’t know that if you looked at social and other media around this multi billion dollar industry. Of course, long term monogamous relationships are a beautiful thing! (TBH if I wasn’t a therapist, I would be a wedding and event planner. Seriously, I love weddings.) But focusing on longevity ignores all the other factors that go into a successful relationship. Things like evolving with your partner, or allowing space for them to change, the impact of financial stress, raising children, isolation from friends and family, and many other experiences are often ignored in the phrase “til death do you part.” Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do is agree to end a relationship or a marriage amicably. This is true for people of all genders. However, because of patriarchal cultural norms and the institutional barriers for women, we are often most disadvantaged when it comes to considering ending a marriage. Of course, anyone who has been through a divorce will often say they stayed longer than they should have. There is pressure on everyone from social, legal, financial, and even religious aspects. And while media often shows men finding relief after “escaping the bear trap” of a bad marriage, and casts women in a desperate, “washed-up” light, research continues to show that women often report being happier after divorce. A 2013 survey conducted by London’s Kingston University said the majority of women were happier than they had ever been after divorcing. Another survey by Carphone Warehouse said 35% of women were less stressed after divorce compared to 17% of men. Here are five reasons why women in particular report being happier after divorce.

Divorce Provides a Time for Self-Reflection

Instead of women being quick to date around after a divorce, you may use this time to self-reflect. After losing yourself in an unhappy relationship, it can be a relief to finally have the time, energy and space to self-reflect and examine your own needs. Your needs may look different since the last time you checked. Especially if it’s been 2, 5, 10 or more years since the last time you checked.

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There are the common questions such as, Where did my relationship go wrong? What were the red flags that I missed? What am I looking for in the next relationship?

But there is also the chance to explore, In what ways did I betray myself in service of someone else? What do I need now that is different from when I got married?

You may think that you wasted your time in this relationship. The truth is that every relationship is a lesson to learn. Once you get over the shock of a divorce, you can learn to let go of the past so you can focus on the present and future. Have compassion for yourself and for not recognizing what you needed at the time.

Finding Support After a Divorce

Perhaps you let yourself play a role for many years, and realize that your partner didn’t know who you were anymore. The best way to remind yourself of who you are? Engaging or re-engaging in a supportive social circle. Your close friends can often see things about you that you haven’t recognized in a while. And bonus points if they have also left difficult relationships, because they will have an unspoken understanding of what it’s like.

Evolving Before and After Divorce

Even in the most loving and supportive relationships, people fall into patterns. The more these patterns are emphasized, the less likely we are to pay attention to our evolving needs and traits. Divorce can be a new beginning, allowing you to re-evaluate your priorities. Transition is difficult, even when it’s a good thing. Don’t panic if you have periods of confusion, regret, or anxiety. However, stay in touch with the reasons the relationship ended, and trust that you will get through the process. You can also use this time to seek out novel or familiar experiences to feel better about life. It is the time to make new friends, travel, take a course, make career changes, and more. There is so much that the world has to offer. If you are experiencing depression as a result of your divorce, it may cloud the opportunities for happiness that are right in front of you. But trust that it will pass and you will be happier on the other side.

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Sometimes the best thing to do when your heart and head feel heavy is to get into your body. Taking a class or trying a new workout, finding a favorite walking path, or even spending a few nights in a hotel with a great view - all of these can do wonders for your mental outlook. It’s OK to feel depressed or unmotivated. When you’re ready, you can kick into gear with an easy physical routine, or shock your system with a brand new challenge.

Seeing a Therapist After Divorce

More women tend not to be ashamed of seeing a therapist compared to men. They know that a therapist is willing to listen when it comes to expressing what is going on in their head. While women may also have a fear of seeking treatment in fear of what other people will think of them, you know this will benefit you in the long term. Women also have the patience to grieve the end of your relationship or marriage in order to find acceptance and closure. If you need help seeing how divorce can lead to a positive start, therapy can be a great option for getting a new perspective.

Therapy for Divorce in Long Beach and California

Prospect Therapy is a queer + trans affirming therapy practice based in Long Beach, CA, with a focus on mental health for first-generation, immigrant, and bicultural communities. We continue to provide online therapy for a variety of mental wellness and relationship concerns to clients throughout the state of California. Learn more about how we bring lived experience to our work with people of all ages in our communities by requesting a consultation below.

prospecttherapy.com - 5 Reasons People Report Being Happier After Divorce — Couples ...

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