Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Pavel Danilyuk
Feeling like an afterthought in a relationship often causes a person to feel invisible and insignificant. Wondering why a partner does not care enough to prioritize or even consider a person may awaken feelings of deep inadequacy. Often, the partner acts annoyed with the person and scolds her for being needy.
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Read More »Feeling like an afterthought in a relationship often causes a person to feel invisible and insignificant. Wondering why a partner does not care enough to prioritize or even consider a person may awaken feelings of deep inadequacy. Often, the partner acts annoyed with the person and scolds her for being needy. Typically this sort of partner also expects regular physical contact but avoids an emotional connection. After a few months, the partner usually loses interest and abandons the relationship. Enduring a string of relationships like this often causes a person to feel unlovable. She fears she is missing something that others have which allow them to be loved; that she is deficient and “not good enough.” Self-doubt and self-contempt overwhelm her and she clamors for love, desperate for any sign. Yet, she may try looking at the scenario from a different angle. Instead of viewing herself as the issue, she may contemplate the possibility that she is with a partner who cannot sincerely love. A partner who is emotionally unavailable often lacks the capacities necessary to remain close. Initially, they appear interested and loving, but these qualities fade in time. Unable to sustain closeness, the partner grows irritated with the demands of being close, avoids it, and blames the person in order to disguise his emotional unavailability. The fault is not with the person who longs for connection but with the partner who cannot remain connected. This type of partner usually lacks three important capabilities which allow a person to preserve the closeness in a relationship: empathy, accountability, and the capacity to consider another perspective. Empathy is an attempt to truly resonate with what a person is feeling. It entails putting oneself in a person’s shoes and communicating a sincere understanding of what the other is feeling. “You are really disappointed I was late. I missed your introduction. You have every right to be hurt. I would be too if the tables were turned. I am so sorry.” A lack of empathy exists when a partner responds to a person’s identification of a feeling by dismissing the emotion and punishing her for admitting it. “Come on. I made it for the rest of the conference. You are so needy. I can’t ‘hold your hand’ all of the time. Why do you always want to start a fight? Let’s have a good night.”
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Read More »A partner who penalizes a person for talking about a feeling that he or she does not care to hear often adds insult to injury, resulting in the person doubting what she feels in the relationship. As the relationship progresses she tends to censor herself because she worries she will feel worse if she brings up an issue. Accountability, the second ingredient necessary in a loving relationship, occurs when a person fully owns her part in a conflict. “I am sorry I got defensive. I realize you were trying to help.” Alternatively, an emotionally unavailable partner often justifies or minimizes an offense in order to excuse it. “I didn’t get any sleep last night. You know not to bring up issues when I am tired.” Additionally, an emotionally unavailable partner often plays the victim and inappropriately flips the blame around on the person. “All I do is work. I work like a dog, and you are going to come in here and complain. You are so ungrateful. Where were you last night? Out with your dumb friends. I was at work. I’m done with this conversation.” A person who deflects accountability and then projects blame onto the other person is often incapable of resolving conflict and gaining insight. Fights escalate to epic proportions because a partner refuses to take responsibility and fans the flames of the argument by flinging unfair accusations into the discussion. Suddenly, the conflict is no longer about the original issue, but about five other things the person supposedly did wrong in the past. The emotionally unavailable partner evades accountability by continually unfairly pointing the finger at the other person. The capability to contemplate a different perspective also facilitates and maintains closeness in a relationship. For example, Sandy is upset because Ron wants to complete the yard work on Friday after work. She is exhausted and wants to relax. He pushes and prods her to help. Angry, she walks out to the yard and asks him what the hurry is. Ron explains that his boss is dropping off papers in the morning and Ron is worried about his judgement. Sandy remembers Ron’s boss is critical and Ron bears the brunt of his chastising at work. She feels for him and digs in. They complete the work together and Ron orders Sandy’s special pizza and puts on her favorite movie as an expression of his gratitude. They spend the rest of the evening resting on the couch.
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Read More »On the hand, Sandy marches out to the front yard and yells at Ron for bugging her to help. Ron explains his reason for wanting to get the chore done, but Sandy doesn’t care. She screams, “Why are you such a baby? Who CARES what your dumb boss thinks? I am exhausted. You are on your own.” Ron spends the evening finishing up and Sandy is asleep by the time he goes to bed. The distance in the relationship grows. A person who feels invisible, ashamed, and afraid to say how she really feels in her relationship may be with an emotionally unavailable partner. The problem is not that she is unworthy of love. The issue may be that her partner can’t sustain closeness. Considering ending the relationship and finding someone who has empathy, accountability, and can entertain a perspective which differs from his own, may be the best answer.
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