Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Pavel Danilyuk
There's no specific time period one should wait before dating again. Grieving and the process of moving on is something that's unique to each person. Some people take years, others weeks, and then there are those who choose never to date again.
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Read More »Would you like going out with someone who constantly talks about issues she's having in her life? Dating isn't a therapy session—it's an opportunity to spend time with someone else and enjoy their company. If you find yourself dating just to talk about the pain in your heart, how much you miss your spouse, or tough times you're going though, seek professional help. Spending $60 an hour on professional help will do you much more good than spending the same amount of money for dinner and a movie. Besides, your date will have a more memorable night if it's about him or her rather than about everything you're going through. When I started dating again, it had been seven years since I had gone out with anyone other than my wife. Because I had a certain comfort level with her, I often found myself forgetting proper dating etiquette, such as opening the car door or walking a date to her door when the date was over. If you find yourself forgetting simple dating etiquette, don't worry about it. Most dates will understand if they know it has been awhile since you dated. But don't make the same mistakes over and over. Learn from them and continue moving forward. You'll be surprised how fast your dating legs return. When your family and friends learn you're dating again, they may not treat this new person in your life very well. The mistreatment may come in the form of a cold shoulder at family activities or constantly talking about the deceased wife in front of the date. If you have family and friends who are doing this, they need to be told privately, but in a loving manner, that this behavior is not acceptable. If you wouldn't let family or friends treat your spouse that way, why would you tolerate that behavior toward someone else—especially when your date could become your future spouse? Don't be afraid to defend your date. If you can't do that, then you have no business dating again. There will always be someone who will not understand why you've chosen to date again. They may give you a hard time or have some silly notion that widows and widowers shouldn't fall in love again. Their opinions do not matter. All that matters is that you're ready to date again. You don't need to justify your actions to them or anyone else.
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Read More »The death of a spouse means losing intimate physical contact. After a while, we miss the kisses, having someone's head resting on our shoulder, or the warm body next to us in bed. This lack of physical and emotional intimacy is enough to drive a lot of people into the dating scene. Don't feel bad if you find yourself missing these things. It's completely normal. In the dating world, wanting something that was part of our lives for years can become a ticking time bomb. It can force us into a serious relationship before we're ready. The result: a lot of broken hearts and emotional baggage. If you're on a date and it's going well, don't be afraid to take things slow. This isn't always easy. Sometimes it's hard not to throw ourselves at our date because we want to be close to someone again. We want that warm body next to ours and to have the words "I love you" whispered in our ears. But it can save you and your date a lot of emotional heartache if you wait to make sure what you're doing is because you love the other person, and not because you miss the intimacy that came with your late husband or wife. It's a basic dating rule, but it's often forgotten by widows and widowers. Because we already had someone special in our lives, it's easy to forget to make our date feel special too. Treat your date in such a way that he or she feels like she's with a man who's ready to move on. She shouldn't have to compete against a ghost—even if you only have one date with that person. As long you're out together, she should feel special. Even though dating can be awkward and difficult at times, it can also be a lot of fun. There's no reason being a widower should hold you back from enjoying a night out. Part of the reason we're here is to live and enjoy life. And dating is a great way to start living again.
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