Infatuation Rules
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What triggers attraction?

Emotional attraction is all about how you make another person FEEL. It can be triggered in a variety of ways: through touch, pheromones, body language, behavior, the tone of your voice, humor, confidence, and vulnerability.

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So let's get to the interesting stuff now: emotional attraction and how to build it with another person. Emotional attraction is all about how you make another person FEEL. It can be triggered in a variety of ways: through touch, pheromones, body language, behavior, the tone of your voice, humor, confidence, and vulnerability. (Vulnerability is a really big one.) You see, all these things are not that enticing to talk about because they're not as practical as telling someone, “Hey, just go to the gym five times a week, develop six-pack abs, and women are going to want you!” (Even though that's total bullshit, not true, and I'm living proof of that.) Emotions are also weird and sometimes difficult to understand. For example, it's much better usually to elicit a negative emotion in a person than to trigger no emotion whatsoever. The worst situation, especially in romance, is the middle. It's when you stay in that weird gray area where people are just indifferent about you.

Why is that? Why is it better to trigger a negative emotion than no emotion whatsoever?

To fall in love, people need to have a mental image of you. You can't fall in love with another person if you don't have a mental image of them. If you don't even think about another person, then there can't be any chance for love. A negative emotion seems like a worse outcome than just staying in the neutral zone where people don't think negatively or positively about you. In reality, even if someone feels a negative emotion towards you, they're going to think about you a lot. They're going to think, “Oh, that asshole. Why did he say that? He's such an arrogant prick.” We have all seen it countless times in movies, and maybe you've also seen it in real life: where the woman is a real sweetheart, and theoretically, she'd be so happy with any of the nice guys that all want her, but she still picks the asshole that every other guy knows is going to break her heart. We know the rest of the situation and still she chooses him. The only reason for that is because he is able to trigger an emotional response in her and emotions are ALWAYS exciting.

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How do you know a man doesn't want a relationship?

Notice if he often cancels plans with you, demotes you in favor of other friends and projects, or never seems to have time for you. Or perhaps he's always too busy to do things you want to do, but you see him spending time with his people regularly.

Some people do prefer relationships without labels, but importantly, a relationship without labels is still a relationship and still requires clarity around expectations. "Some people may choose not to label their relationship because they're afraid of being tied down too quickly or in a place where they feel trapped," relationship therapist Shena Tubbs, MMFT, LPC, CSAT-C, once told mbg. "However, one should understand that you maintain full autonomy of yourself in every relationship you're in, and you are the one who is responsible for communicating what you need, what you want, and what you don't want. So if you feel you're at a place where you cannot (or don't want) to date one person exclusively, that should be communicated to your partner so that [they] can make a decision about whether that works for them." In other words, saying you "don't do labels" cannot be a stand-in for having a conversation about what you both expect from each other. You two should still be able to get on the same page about whether you're romantically and sexually exclusive, what the expectations you both have for each other are, whether you want your current relationship to be long term, and whether you're interested in eventually living together, getting married, and those sorts of things. It's OK to not want these things, but if he's avoiding telling you how he feels about all this and keeping you in the dark, take that as a red flag.

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