Photo: Julia Volk

What to do when someone shuts you out?

What to do when someone you love shuts down take a break from, or “table” the conversation. write down your thoughts and feelings to revisit later. stay calm. don't retaliate. don't throw an adult temper tantrum. do something self-soothing. consider professional intervention.

psychcentral.com - How to Communicate with Someone Who Shuts Down | Psych Central

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Stonewalling during an argument may protect you from psychological overwhelm, but to your partner, it can come off as deliberate avoidance. Share on Pinterest Westend61/Getty Images Feeling ignored when you’re in an emotionally charged moment can be frustrating. You’re trying to work through an issue, but suddenly someone shuts down and goes unresponsive. This reaction is known as stonewalling. From the outside, it can feel like that person has shut down emotionally. If you’re the one shutting down, however, you may be inwardly dysregulated. What to do when someone you love shuts down take a break from, or “table” the conversation

write down your thoughts and feelings to revisit later

stay calm

don’t retaliate

don’t throw an adult temper tantrum

do something self-soothing

consider professional intervention

When you stonewall The need to “check out” when you’re being bombarded with negativity can be a natural reaction. You may be feeling frustrated yourself, or maybe you’re uncomfortable with the tension. Without an immediate solution in sight, it can feel easier to pretend your person is invisible. You may stop responding or making eye contact. You might start excessively cleaning to signal you’re done with the conversation. Keep in mind your shutting down doesn’t make you look good (and doesn’t help anything) Being aware of how stonewalling is received can help you bring yourself out of it. If you shut down during intense communication, the other person may feel rejected or devalued. It can appear like you don’t care about them or what they have to say. They may not understand why you shut them out. It can make them angry or frustrated, and they may retaliate with their own silent treatment. This can create a cycle of silence and hurt feelings. Communicate calmy, clearly, and assertively Shutting down when you’re upset — whether deliberately or as a defense mechanism — doesn’t usually solve the problem at hand. To reach any solution or compromise, most issues require communication to understand the big picture. Communicating calmly helps keep the energy neutral. If you go into something looking for a fight, you’ll probably find one. Communicating clearly can help get your points across quickly and can help prevent misunderstandings about intent.

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Communicating assertively doesn’t mean communicating aggressively. Being assertive often means approaching an argument using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Asserting how a situation makes you feel rather than blaming or accusing the other person can avoid putting them immediately on the defensive. A 2009 study found that couples rated communicating anger in an assertive way as more successful than approaching anger from a place of denial or passive-aggressiveness. Learn to self-soothe healthily Self-soothing may help you disengage from an emotional lockdown by shifting your energy. Self-soothing activities, such as reading, meditating, or exercising, can help you regain a sense of calm after an argument. Though there are many ways to relax, options such as smoking or drinking may cause you more complications down the road. Write down your thoughts In the moment, it may be a challenge to get out all the things you want to say. Feeling frustrated by not being able to express yourself may make you feel there’s no point in trying. Writing your thoughts down can help maintain the dialogue between you and your partner when you revisit the conversation later. How to open back up after you’ve been giving the silent treatment “I understand what you’re saying…”

“I feel…” or “When you … I feel…”

“I’m sorry I said…” or “I’m sorry I didn’t…”

“I need some time to collect my thoughts.”

“Let’s take a break but pick another time to discuss…”

“I’m not upset with you. I’m just feeling overwhelmed…”

psychcentral.com - How to Communicate with Someone Who Shuts Down | Psych Central

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