What to ask after being cheated on?

After finding out you've been cheated on, Perel recommends asking a series of investigative questions, such as: Were you thinking about us when you cheated? Do you want to stay together? If so, are you here for me or the family? What is it about us that you value? Did you hope I would somehow find out? More items... •

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Detective vs. Investigative Questions

Perel categorizes inquiries about your partner’s affair into two categories. “Detective” questions are focused on the dirty details, such as what your partner’s fling looks like, what kinds of moves they had in bed, where they met up, and how their body parts compare to yours. Investigative questions are focused on the meaning and motives of the infidelity. One common myth society holds is that when a person cheats on their partner, it is because there was a problem with the relationship, they were no longer attracted to their partner, or the sex was subpar. While these things might be true, it’s also possible that an affair has nothing to do with the deceived partner at all.

Other Reasons for Affairs

Often, infidelity has more to do with the cheater themselves than the relationship, the partner who got cheated on, or the person who the affair was with. Cheating can serve as a way for the betrayer to get back in touch with a part of themselves they lost, grasp for independence, reawaken a sense of aliveness, or cope with a recent loss. While these motives are not excuses, you must understand them in order to make the decision of whether to stay or leave. If you do decide to stay, understanding the reasons behind your partner’s affair will be essential for healing and rebuilding trust.

Ask These Questions

After finding out you’ve been cheated on, Perel recommends asking a series of investigative questions, such as:

Were you thinking about us when you cheated?

Do you want to stay together?

If so, are you here for me or the family?

What is it about us that you value?

Did you hope I would somehow find out?

Did you think about the children?

What was it like when you came home?

What do you think we can learn from this affair together?

These questions will get to the root of why your partner made their choices. They will also highlight the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship, which you can use to determine whether or not the relationship is salvageable and what needs to be addressed if it is.

Fighting the Urge To Know Everything

Knowing that “detective questions” are not helpful won’t remove your desire to know their answers. Refraining from asking them takes effort and self-control. Acknowledge your desire to know the details of your partner’s extra-relational experiences, and remind yourself of something Perel, herself, frequently says to her clients: “Do you want your partner to know you have this question, or do you want to know the answer? Because once you know the answer, you have to live with knowing.”