Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: cottonbro studio
Here are some tips to help along the way: Face reality. It looks like this person isn't giving you what you need. ... Allow your feelings. No matter what you feel, it's all valid. ... Amp up your self-care. ... Avoid dwelling. ... Don't contact them. ... Talk with someone. ... Don't isolate yourself.
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Read More »Rejection stings, especially when you have no idea what went wrong. So, we polled experts on the most common reasons for ghosting. Share on Pinterest Breadcrumbing. Benching. The slow fade. These days, there’s more than one way that people signal their disinterest in someone they’re dating or talking to. But perhaps the most painful of all? Ghosting. Maybe you felt sure there was a spark between you two, or they showered you with attention and affection, and now all you hear is crickets. While ghosting may hurt (a lot), it doesn’t have to leave you powerless. By learning why people do it and how to respond with grace, you can recover and move on. Why have I been ghosted? Research shows that 13% to 23% of people have been ghosted in the United States. There are many reasons why being ghosted may have happened to you, but chances are that you weren’t talking to a cruel, uncaring person — they simply lacked the skills to be upfront. “If you’ve been ghosted, it is more than likely not about you,” says Dr. Lori Lawrenz, a licensed clinical psychologist in Honolulu, Hawaii. Ghosting people is a coping mechanism, she explains. “It’s often done as a psychological tool to protect the one who is ghosting. Often, it’s a shortcut to avoid difficult relational dynamics.” Why people ghost There’s no single reason why people ghost, which can make it all the more irritating. Here are a few reasons why it may have happened. Convenience of technology With every new technology, there’s a cost. But it’s hard to remember that when we’re presented with an abundance of connections right at our fingertips. Digital access at all times can make us forget that there are real people on the other end. Using our devices as a shield, we become desensitized and do things that we normally wouldn’t — like leaving someone high and dry. It’s as if we’ve commercialized the dating experience, not unlike going to the grocery store and deciding between an infinite variety of kombuchas. When we pick up one we don’t like, we put it back without explanation, then move on to the next one. We’ve lost our sense of formality. Research calls this the “gamification” of relationships — that is, viewing relationships as having the rules, points, and the impersonal interface of a game. Fear of hurting you “Common reasons people ghost each other are not feeling a chemistry or connection and not being able to communicate that due to fear of hurting the person’s feelings,” says Hannah Tishman, a licensed clinical social worker in New York City, New York. Low emotional intelligence Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the wisdom to apply different emotional responses in nuanced situations using empathy. Those with low EQ may have a hard time understanding how their actions hurt you. Emotional unavailability due to a mental health condition Those who live with depression may feel like they lack the energy to maintain connections. They may self-isolate and avoid contact with others, causing them to cut off the relationship abruptly. Those who live with bipolar disorder may increase contact during a high mood and ghost during a low mood. People living with avoidant personality disorder crave connection, but when relationships are new, an internal push-pull based on an intense fear of judgment and rejection can cause them to stay away. This isn’t something you can change through reassurance or charm — it requires therapy to manage. Trauma can also be a factor, says Dr. Holly Schiff, a licensed clinical psychologist based in Greenwich, Connecticut. “They may be processing a trauma and still recovering,” she says. “Part of the trauma response is the inability to feel a full range of emotions and a diminished sense of self.” Overwhelm Someone who experiences anxiety may worry about the outcome of the relationship and cut it off without warning because that feels safer. Low self-esteem If someone doesn’t believe they deserve someone like you, they may self-sabotage. You can take a deeper dive on the link between self-sabotage and self-esteem issues here. Insecure attachment style If your love interest has a fearful-avoidant attachment style, they may oscillate between wanting intimacy and avoiding it when you start to get too close. “The avoidant attachment style tends to go into ‘turtle mode’ and enter their shell, which can be manifested as ghosting behavior,” Lawrenz says. “This can be a protective means of guarding their heart.” Social differences Some other mental health conditions are associated with lowered empathy or reduced ability to pick up on social cues. This can make it difficult for someone to understand how to properly discontinue contact with you or communicate if you both want different things. Some of these conditions include: alexithymia, a personality trait where logic overrides emotions
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