Boiling down what people said gets us to 18 ways to destroy trust: Talking behind my back about me. Exhibiting behaviors that don't support their words. Refusing to accept accountability for their actions. Cheating to win at anything. Throwing someone “under the bus” Saying I'm important but not showing it through deeds. More items... •
Princess Jasmine is in a perilous situation. For the second time in the 1992 movie, Aladdin is there, reaching out to her, stretching, straining, desperately trying to rescue her. But she hesitates, frightened.
Then he looks into her eyes and asks, “Do you trust me?”
In a perfect Disney moment, Jasmine knows the answer. Her fear dissolves as she takes Aladdin’s hand. She’s safe. We can breathe again.
“Do you trust me?” is a question that strikes at the heart of all relationships. To the extent our relationships are based on mutual trust, life is good.
How do we improve relationships? The simple answer is to increase the level of trust.
Survey Says!
To our surprise, we received 151 comments. Boiling down what people said gets us to 18 ways to destroy trust:
Talking behind my back about me
Exhibiting behaviors that don’t support their words
Refusing to accept accountability for their actions
Cheating to win at anything
Throwing someone “under the bus”
Saying I’m important but not showing it through deeds
Talking excessively about self
Asking no questions ever about my life
Talking trash/gossiping about others to me
Attempting to manipulate me through emotional highs/lows
Betraying me in any fashion
Abandoning me when I needed them most
Failing to follow through on promises
Blaming everyone else for their troubles
Engaging in excessive secretiveness
Showing no desire ever to apologize
Asking for advice often but never using it
The Big One — #18
Amazingly, more than half of our survey’s responses used words or phrases such as “half-truths,” “white lies,” “deception,” “spinning the message,” “dishonesty,” and “exaggeration.” It seems anything that has to do with not telling the truth was clearly the winning way to destroy trust.
So what’s the big one by far and away in a word? #18?
Lying.
A State of Mind
Trust is essentially a state of mind, a belief. When I say, “I trust you,” what I’m really saying is, “I think I know you well enough to predict your behavior, and your behavior has proved trustworthy in the past. Therefore, I believe you’ll act in my best interests. I believe you won’t hurt me. I believe you’ll do your best not to let me down.”
Trust is a delicate state—one that’s hard to build and easy to shatter. All it takes is one hurt, one disappointment, one act that doesn’t fit our predictions, and we tend to pull back. The moment someone gets the feeling, “I don’t know you anymore,” trust is gone.
Defining Trust
Because we’re all about Personal Accountability at QBQ, Inc., this is our definition of trust:
Building another’s confidence in me through what I say and do.
This means if I want to build trust, I need to consider my actions and words and be accountable for their impact. It’s true, trust is a by-product, a result, of the things I say and do. Hence, I must ask the right questions — or QBQs (brief tutorial) — such as, “What can I do to build trust?” and “How can I earn trust today?”
Like everything in life, building trusting relationships comes back to … me. So how do I build trust? Easy. Do the opposite of everything on the list above.
It’s just that simple!
For discussion:
What change must I make to build more trusting relationships? Please share!
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