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What not to say in an argument?

Words and phrases to avoid, and what to say instead Insulting or belittling criticism. Instead of saying: “You're such an [idiot, &#%-hole, etc]”; “ ... Accusatory phrasing like “You always…” or “You never…” Instead of saying: “You always put yourself first!”; ... Dismissive responses. Instead of saying: I don't care...

relationshipzen.ca - Three Phrases to Avoid During an Argument - Relationship Zen

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Words have the power to uplift us and to destroy us.

To create a healthy and fulfilling relationship, we want to be intentional with their words. Especially during an argument. Throughout this post, we’ll discuss why you should be choosing your words carefully during an argument and share what phrases and words you should be avoiding (and what to use instead).

Choose your words carefully

If you aren’t careful with your words and phrases, you may make your partner feel threatened or defensive.

This can damage the sense of connection in the relationship.

Why?

Because science.

When you feel threatened, it can trigger your fight or flight response, which is the opposite of what’s needed to feel safe and loved. In these types of situations your basic sense of security is in jeopardy so you may end up fighting back, withdrawing, or closing up entirely. Each of these are totally natural, appropriate, and adaptive responses from the perspective of survival and self-protection. Healthy relationships need to prioritize kindness so that we are not triggering our partner’s sympathetic system.

Beginning with our language.

Words and phrases to avoid, and what to say instead

First off: Set some ground rules.

From the beginning of our relationship we wanted to minimize the potential of hurting each other and damaging our sense of connection. We decided to set up some ground rules for the language we use during arguments, fights, and heated discussions. Here are the top words and phrases that we’ve tried to remove from our vocabulary over the years and what we say instead.

1. Insulting or belittling criticism

Instead of saying:

“You’re such an [idiot, &#%-hole, etc]”; “

You’re so [stupid, dumb, etc.]”;

“Shut up”...

Belittling words may create a climate of fear, which is the opposite frequency of love, compassion, and safety. Honestly, just make an agreement not to say stuff like that… We do everything in our willpower not to go there, even when we’re super upset.

Try saying:

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“I feel [feelings]… when you/we [behaviour]... because that means I [effect]. Can we talk about it?”.

It’s a classic, but if you’re insulting your partner, you’re clearly feeling something. Why not name it, then walk through that feeling together?

It works. Lindsey used it while we were arguing about this blog post. It wasn’t pretty, but it was respectful and helpful. ;)

2. Accusatory phrasing like “You always…” or “You never…”

Instead of saying:

“You always put yourself first!”;

“You never listen!”;

“You’re always on your phone/playing games!”

The problem with these terms is that they assault a person’s character or essence. It’s a label and it may erode your sense of respect for each other. It may also create a self-fulfilling prophecy! To train yourself out of this habit, ask yourself if this is actually an accurate statement before you say it to your partner. Is it really “always” and “never”? Do you have all-knowing senses? Likely not. And if you do, please reach out. ;)

Try saying:

“This morning, when you did [behaviour], it made me feel [feeling] because I [effect]. Could we talk about it?”. Contextualize your complaint by referring to the specific situation that is concerning you in the moment. Your partner should feel a lot less defensive and the conversation should be a lot more productive if you speak in specifics rather than generalizations. David allllwayyys used “always” and “never” at the beginning of the relationship! ;)

3. Dismissive responses

Instead of saying:

I don’t care...

Whatever… or Forget about it….

Relax... or Just get over it…

Why are you making such a big deal out of this?

Again?!

Responding in this way is disrespectful and closes the door to communication, problem solving, and connection. It can make your partner feel like you don’t care about them or your relationship. To your partner, it can feel dismissive, even if you’re not trying to be.

Try saying:

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(If you’re feeling overwhelmed or too annoyed to have a kind conversation)

“I’m going to need a quick break from the conversation to gather my thoughts and process my emotions so I can be at my best. Can we take a quick break?” (or, if you’re feeling like you just don’t get why this is even an issue) “You sound upset and I want to really hear you out. Could we go back to the beginning because I think I missed something.” Each of these “words and phrases to avoid” may not seem serious when they slip out in the moment, but if they’re not received in a spirit of kindness, they chip away at the sense of connection in a relationship. We’ll be the first to acknowledge that it’s easier to use the disrespectful statements. They’re quick, dirty, and ego-gratifying! But they’re also destructive, so we make an effort to use more respectful phrasing.

Respectful phrasing is designed with kindness, accountability, and sustainability in mind.

Now what?

We’d love to hear your examples of scenarios and responses!

What patterns do you notice in your communication when s*** hits the fan in your relationship? What phrases or words work for your relationship? What phrases or words are causing pain in your relationship? What do you want to try instead?

Don’t know where to start?

Try out any of the wording above the next time you catch yourself. It may feel awkward at first. It’s still sometimes awkward for us! So we just laugh and continue on. With a bit of practice, you’ll start to notice a difference in your relationship. If you want to add an extra layer, let your partner know what specific language or phrases you want to focus on so you can keep each other accountable.

relationshipzen.ca - Three Phrases to Avoid During an Argument - Relationship Zen

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