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What motivates a narcissist?

Many narcissists believe that fairness or a win-win approach offer them little advantage. Instead, narcissists tend to focus on credit and blame, winning and losing, and who is superior and inferior. Narcissists often fail to recognize how much they offend others. If they do recognize it, they may not care.

psychologytoday.com - 7 Hidden Principles That Motivate Narcissists - Psychology Today

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Narcissists live by an attention-hungry, image-driven code. Crack their code and you may find the narcissists in your life less mystifying and more manageable. The boasts, put-downs, volatility, suspiciousness and deceptions that characterize many narcissists tend to be driven by seven principles. These principles, which function as an "operating system" for people with narcissism, are largely instinctive and often unconscious:

1. Image is everything.

Narcissists will do anything to look good. They will also distract from or attack with a vengeance anything that threatens to make them look bad. This is one reason narcissists can have such extreme reactions to feeling slighted. They assume others must be so entranced and in awe of them that nobody could fail to admire or defer to them. When narcissists feel ignored or not catered to, their idealized self comes into question. That triggers the fear that perhaps they are not so beautiful or superior. Image cultivation is why narcissists rarely apologize or admit they are wrong. Rather than viewing an apology or an admission of a mistake as a sign of strength, narcissists believe doing do shows weakness. If they admitted being wrong, they fear it would lead to others wondering what else the narcissist might be wrong about.

2. Attention is essential.

Attention is the drug of choice for narcissists. When narcissists feel listened to, admired, or the center of attention, they feel expansive. When attention is scarce, they have withdrawal symptoms: irritability, depressed mood, and a gnawing hunger for their next fix. Attention saves narcissists from their psychic abyss. Eyes and ears on them provide proof that they are special and worthy. Many an adult child or spouse of a narcissist can recall watching their narcissist puff up when getting attention.

3. Honesty is optional.

Narcissists dwell in an alternate reality in which being right is more important than being honest. Expediency, not authenticity, rules narcissists. Narcissists can sound incredibly convincing. This is because they fall in love with their own words, ignore self doubt and shun introspection. If narcissists were to be completely transparent about how they approach the truth, they might admit something like the following:

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“Truth is malleable. It is whatever I say in the moment and I will change it whenever it suits me. Speaking with absolute certainty makes me feel strong and superior. Plus, it often convinces others.”

4. Danger is everywhere.

It is hard to overstate how ill at ease many narcissists feel in their own skin. They may not show it—in fact, narcissists often act as though the world is their oyster—but deep down narcissists believe that others are out to humiliate or beat them. Because narcissists see danger everywhere, they rarely pursue open communication or reciprocal relationships. Narcissists' relationships are parasitic, not symbiotic. Imagine what it would be like to go through life lacking the repertoire most of us use to communicate and cooperate. What would it be like to rarely let yourself ask for help or show vulnerability? What if you could never let yourself express sadness, loneliness, or fear? Those are ways that we connect with others, soften our hearts and combat feeling isolated. Lacking an internal compass, many narcissists define themselves through opposition. Only by opposing another person do they feel real.

5. Consistency is overrated.

Driven by emotion and impulses, many narcissists view whatever gets their attention in the moment as the top priority. When threatened or needy, they tend not to consider the long-term consequences of their actions. Their internal reality can shift so rapidly it may be hard for them to recall or reference what they said an hour or day earlier. As disconcerting as such changeability is to those around them, narcissists may view their uneven temperament as a valuable weapon because it keeps others guessing.

6. Introspection is unnecessary

Narcissists generally don't want to know why they act as they do. Introspection causes uneasiness because it might expose flaws or the shame that is at the core of a narcissistic personality structure. They also fear self-reflection might distract them from getting what they want. Narcissists’ lack of introspection makes it difficult for them to take responsibility for dysfunctional actions on their part. Without ownership of one's actions, behavior change is unlikely.

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Ironically, though narcissists posture as strong and confident, being open to introspection is a real measure of strength and confidence.

7. Winning is mandatory.

A defining characteristic that differentiates narcissists from most other people is a lack of empathy. Narcissists' lives are about winning, generally at others' expense. The sobering truth is that narcissists often want you to do what is best for them despite what it may cost you. Many narcissists believe that fairness or a win-win approach offer them little advantage. Instead, narcissists tend to focus on credit and blame, winning and losing, and who is superior and inferior. Narcissists often fail to recognize how much they offend others. If they do recognize it, they may not care. Some may even take delight in upsetting others. Like a lonely or bored child who taunts a younger sibling just to get a reaction, upsetting others can allow a narcissist to feel more powerful or alive.

Coping with Narcissists

We can certainly have compassion for persons wounded in their development who developed a narcissistic style. People with narcissism are endlessly fighting threats to their shaky self-esteem. Yet if you expect compassion in return, dealing with narcissists can be frustrating. To cope with narcissistic manipulation, it is essential to spot the distortions which narcissists instinctively practice. Applying critical thinking skills can inoculate you against their campaigns. When evaluating a narcissistic relationship or an interaction with a narcissist, ask yourself the following:

psychologytoday.com - 7 Hidden Principles That Motivate Narcissists - Psychology Today

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