Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Yan Miranda
Only 12 percent of men reported that their partners made them feel as sexually desired as they wanted to feel. Expressions of desire include compliments, dirty talk, and communicating about sex, flirting, romantic touch, and initiating sex. Sexual scripts can be limiting.
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Read More »There’s no question that our culture is—ahem—still evolving when it comes to sexuality. Male heterosexual desire is still highlighted more than feminine desire, queer desire or other forms of longing and arousal. Yet there is an apparent paradox. The caricatured version of male sexual desire dominates media and culture while nuanced views remain under-represented, teaching the wrong lesson about what male sexuality is and can be. Undetected, this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Does male desire tend to be two-dimensional, exactly because it is so dominant as to assume the guise of truth? Men may feel pressure to be one way, and any other way may feel like a source of stigma and shame. This state of affairs perpetuates unconscious bias which shapes development by presenting a restricted and constraining set of paths to follow and models to emulate.
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Read More »All the men who responded said that feeling sexually desired was important. A large majority (nearly 95 percent) said it was very important. About 9 percent indicated that feeling desired was critical, “paramount” or “essential.” Feeling sexually desired was “by far, the most important factor in sexual satisfaction for me” or “as important as eating and sleeping.” A few reported that in the absence of being desired, they would not be able to have sex at all due to lack of arousal or impact on self-esteem. Over 12 percent of men said they could not answer the question, because they no longer felt desired in their relationship. Ways of being desired were very important. Different themes emerged. About 40 percent said that verbal expressions of desire were important—being complimented (17 percent), and through sexual (“dirty”) talk (30 percent). Some men felt more desired and aroused when their partner told him what she needed, communication found by researchers to increase women’s sexual satisfaction. Flirtation was important. This could be open or subtle. A sultry look was important to almost 12 percent of men. Some respondents noted they knew when sex was wanted via “meaningful glances” a fleeting yet unmistakable look in the eye, tilt of the head, movement of the body. Non-sexual, romantic touch was important for 34 percent. Contact might include a rub of the arm, a snuggle, a quick kiss, and similar sensual or affectionate but not overly sexual gestures. Touch was reported to make men feel not just sexually desirable, but also special, wanted not only for sex. Over 27 percent of participants said that they felt desired as a result of their partner initiating sex. Initiation could be verbal or physical, but it was crucial. Participants liked their partners to take a more dominant role. That this allowed them to be more receptive themselves. When women show they are turned on, these men felt more desired and aroused. Having the partner initiate leaves less room for doubt about one’s own desirability, and lowers the risk of rejection and disappointment. Twenty percent noted that having an “enthusiastic” partner during sex was important. Female partners who were active during sex, were open to experimenting, who put effort into sex, evoked greater feelings of desirability. Having a partner who enjoyed sex also increased emotional connection. When partners weren’t into it, men reported feeling less desired. How many men were satisfied with how desired they felt? Only 12.1 percent reported their partners made them feel as sexually desired as they wanted to be. Eighty-eight percent said they’d like their partners to do more. Very few men reported they felt desired too much for their liking, or sexual capacity. Male respondents wanted women to be more dominant, more romantic, more flirtatious, and more sexually interested. Having women initiate sex more often would serve two big functions. Always having to initiate was fatiguing, perhaps boring, making it hard to tell if their partner was actually into it, effortful in terms of having to do the work of foreplay and sex. Men wanted women to be more collaborative, active sexual partners. Fifteen percent of men wanted their partner to communicate sexual feelings more clearly and openly. Almost 5 percent said that they wanted their partners specifically to compliment their body or performance during sex. Clearer communication would lead to more and better sex, reducing the chance of conflict or other negative outcomes due to miscommunication.
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Read More »Over 18 percent of men said they’d like more romance. Almost 16 percent said they’d like more non-sexual touch, for greater romance and affection. Participants, a small fraction, indicated that they’d like more romantic touch “for the sake of intimacy rather than sex,” reflecting unmet emotional needs. One man wrote he wanted his partner to “pay more attention to the rest of his body” suggesting he felt objectified because of a myopic focus on his sexual organs, writing “I’m not a walking penis.” Nearly 20 percent of men said they’d like more flirtation and playfulness. Needing greater “sexual tension” in the relationship, they wanted more simmering heat in day-to-day interactions. Almost 15 percent of men said they’d like partners to show more sexual interest overall. When there is mismatched sexual desire and poor communication, relationship and sexual satisfaction suffer.
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