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What kind of respect does a man want?

1. Respect for His Judgment. A man deeply needs the woman in his life to respect his knowledge, opinions, and decisions—what I would call his judgment. Many men feel like their wives question their knowledge or argue with their decisions all the time.

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“A man’s highest need is to feel respect, whereas a woman’s highest need is to feel loved.” Marriage expert and researcher Shaunti Feldhahn came to that conclusion after a scientific study into what men really need. That can be difficult for women to make sense of because, while we want to be respected by our husbands, for us, love takes precedence. Shaunti says we can lavish lots of love on our husbands and that’s great, but, as she says, “if we don’t also show that we respect them—and maybe criticize them in public or question their decisions all the time—they’re going to feel disrespected, and then they won’t feel loved.” Do you ever think about how to respect your husband? Here’s what Shaunti says about the 5 respect needs of men.

1. Respect for His Judgment

A man deeply needs the woman in his life to respect his knowledge, opinions, and decisions—what I would call his judgment. Many men feel like their wives question their knowledge or argue with their decisions all the time. It’s a touchy thing these days, but what it really comes down to is their need for us to defer to them. Several men confessed that they felt like their opinions and decisions were valued in every area of their lives except at home. Some men felt that their associates at work trusted their judgment more than their own wives did. Also, while a man’s colleagues will rarely tell him what to do (they ask him to collaborate on the decision instead), wives often make the mistake of ordering their husbands around like one of the kids.

2. Respect for His Abilities

Another strong theme that emerged was that men want, or even need, to figure things out for themselves. And if they can, they feel like they have conquered something and are affirmed as men. For some reason, spending hours figuring out how to put together the new ring camera is fun. Problem is, we want to help them—and guess how they interpret that? As distrust. And, of course, our attention is not all well-meaning. Sometimes we truly don’t have confidence that our man can figure something out on his own. We don’t realize that the act of forcing ourselves to trust our men in little things means so much to them, but it does. It’s not a big deal to us, so we don’t get that it’s a big deal to them. We don’t get that our responses to these little choices to trust or not trust—or, at least, act like we do—are interpreted as signs of our overall trust and respect for them as men.

3. Respect in Communication

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The way we communicate with our men, both our husbands and sons, holds incredible power. We can build them up or tear them down, encourage or exasperate. Some things just push a man’s buttons. This goes beyond what we say—such as questioning a man’s judgment or his abilities—and into how and when we say it. In my interviews, a large number of men said something like, “When my wife says something disrespectful, I often think, I can’t believe she doesn’t know how that makes me feel.” I had to reassure these men over and over that their wives probably didn’t mean to disrespect them and were likely just unaware of the impact their words have.

4. Respect in Public

There appears to be an epidemic of public disrespect for men, and the biggest culprit is not the television, movies, or other media, but the women who are supposed to love their men most. Dozens of men told me how painful it is when their wives criticize them in public, put them down, or even question their judgment in front of others. One man on the survey said that the thing he wished he could tell his wife was that “at a minimum, she should be supportive of me in public.” That wish was repeated dozens of times on the survey—it was one of the strongest themes that emerged. Many men said, “My wife says things about me in public that she considers teasing. I consider them torture.”

5. Respect in Our Assumptions

Unfortunately, in one area men have every right to read into what we say: when we jump to conclusions about them. When we really examine our communication, we’ll be astounded at how often we assume something bad about the men we love. For example, do you often assume your husband needs to be reminded?

To us, repeatedly asking “Have you done it yet?” is probably not a big deal. But underneath the question is our assumption that the guy needs the reminder—that he is either incapable of remembering on his own or that he remembers just fine but needs our prodding to do the job. What they are accurately hearing is, “I don’t trust you.”

Which of these respect needs of men comes most easily or most difficult for you?

Source: ForWomen Only, Revised and Updated Edition: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn

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