Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Anil Sharma
Unfortunately, people who are manipulative, narcissistic, and have a poor sense of self tend to repeatedly violate personal boundaries. One of the biggest challenges that people have with boundaries is figuring out what to do when someone repeatedly violates them.
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Read More »Unfortunately, people who are manipulative, narcissistic, and have a poor sense of self tend to repeatedly violate personal boundaries. One of the biggest challenges that people have with boundaries is figuring out what to do when someone repeatedly violates them. There isnt a one-size fits all answer to the question. First, lets consider a few of the variables: Who is violating your boundaries? The nature, power differential, and closeness of the relationship make a difference. Your response to your mother will be different than your response to your boss, which will be different yet from your response to your neighbor. Is the boundary violator willing to change? Is s/he willing to work with you to improve the relationship? Is s/he willing to go to counseling? Is s/he sensitive to your needs or feelings? How long has this been going on? Longer behavior patterns are harder to change (but certainly possible when someone is motivated). Has the boundary violator been physically aggressive? Safety is paramount. If the person violating your boundaries has been violent or threatened violence, you need to proceed with caution. I highly recommend getting help from supportive people, professionals, and/or law enforcement. Are you a minor? If youre a child, you must ask an adult for help. Reach out to an adult at school or church, a friends parent, or a hotline. You do not need to figure this out alone! Are you truly setting clear, consistent boundaries? In my experience, people tend to over-estimate the strength of their boundaries. Its understandable that sometimes you back down, feel tired, overwhelmed, or scared and dont follow through with your boundaries. Just like setting rules with children, boundaries dont work when they are only enforced some of the time. Boundaries need to be especially clear and consistent when youre dealing with someone who doesnt respect you. Such a person is looking for holes in your boundaries and using them against you. So, be sure youre assertively and clearly telling him/her that this behavior is not OK and follow through with consequences. See this article for more information. I say these things not to make you feel ashamed or bad about yourself if your boundaries are inconsistent. These are common trouble spots in setting boundaries. My hope is to help you gain more awareness of the things that you can control (namely yourself). Self-awareness is empowering. When you recognize where youre slipping up, you can offer yourself both self-compassion and accountability. Now, onto the original question of what to do when someone continues to violate your boundaries. Continue to set strong, consistent boundaries. I know this is obvious and redundant. However, this is the part that you control. You dont control how people respond and you cant force people to respect your boundaries. Write it down. Record the boundary violations and your responses. This will help you check for weak spots in your boundaries. If you notice that you arent consistently setting healthy boundaries, make adjustments. And if you are being very consistent, writing it down will help you decide if you can accept these violations. Be clear with yourself about what treatment youll accept and what you wont. People also have a tendency to set a boundary in their mind and then allow it to be pushed back and pushed back. For example, I knew a woman who years prior had told herself that she wouldnt tolerate her husband coming home drunk and cursing at her anymore. By the time I met her, her husband was coming home drunk several times per week, regularly cursing at her in front of their children, and hed slapped her once. This is far beyond what she thought shed put up with. It helps to write down your boundary and/or say it out loud to a supportive person who will help you stay true to it. Accept that some people will not respect your boundaries no matter what you do. This is a difficult truth to accept because wed like to be able to force people to respect our boundaries. I know its disappointing to realize that you may have to make a hard decision about whether you want to continue to have a relationship with a person who doesnt respect your boundaries. But you cant change someone elses behavior. You can choose to accept it or you can choose to disengage. Detach from the outcome. One way to detach from a narcissistic person is to stop responding in the same old ways. Some people intentionally violate boundaries to hurt you, get a reaction out of you, and to exert control. Dont engage in the same old arguments with these people. You can choose to ignore or laugh off their comments and not show them that it hurts you. This shifts the power. (This doesnt apply to someone physically harming you.) Decide to limit or cut off all contact. If Great Uncle Johnny makes you feel uncomfortable by standing too close and making sexually charged comments, you can decide to not attend family gatherings at his house, or to attend but not be alone with him, or avoid seeing him ever again. You have choices.
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