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What is triangulation in a relationship?

Triangulation happens when one or both of the people involved in the conflict try to pull a third person into the dynamic, often with the goal of: deflecting some of the tension. creating another conflict to take the spotlight off the original issue. reinforcing their sense of rightness or superiority.

healthline.com - Narcissistic Triangulation: Defintion, Examples, How to Respond

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Wondering what prompts this behavior? Looking for useful coping strategies? We talked to an expert to get some answers. This manipulation tactic can leave you feeling off-balanced, if not more deeply distressed . You might notice a creeping sense of insecurity and begin to doubt and question yourself. With narcissistic triangulation, one-on-one conversations or disagreements might quickly become two-against-one situations. You might suddenly find yourself left out, your protests ignored and overruled. People with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic tendencies might also use triangulation, usually to maintain control over situations by manipulating others. A couple having an argument, for example, might turn to a roommate, encouraging them to take a side or help work things out. Triangulation happens when one or both of the people involved in the conflict try to pull a third person into the dynamic, often with the goal of: Triangulation refers to a specific behavior that can come up within a two-person conflict. This tactic can show up in nearly any type of relationship — between friends, family members, romantic partners, or even coworkers. Before getting into the motives behind this behavior, it’s important to understand the different ways narcissistic triangulation can show up in various scenarios.

Here are a few examples to consider.

In relationships

Triangulation is one way a partner with narcissism might work to maintain control in the relationship. People with narcissism don’t always use blatant abuse tactics, like name-calling or aggression and violence. Instead, they often use manipulative tactics, like gaslighting, silent treatment, or triangulation, in order to maintain the upper hand. If you offer the praise and admiration they’re looking for, they might find the relationship with you perfectly fulfilling. But they want to make sure you continue to supply the attention they need, so they subtly unbalance you to keep you from attempting to leave the relationship. “Look,” they might say, holding out their phone to show you a picture of their last partner, completely nude. “They keep sending me photos, saying that they want me back.” They take a long look at the photo, then at you, then back at the photo. “Honestly, I’m not sure why we broke up anymore,” they might add. “We had the wildest sex. And what a hottie.” Maybe they continue to drop mentions of their ex from time to time, reminding you of the hot, sexy person who wants to get back together with them. They don’t outright compare the two of you, but they certainly imply they had a better time together.

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As a result, you might feel insecure and begin to worry they’ll leave you for their ex. You might also work harder to accommodate their needs and desires in order to earn similar praise. Both outcomes can make it easier for them to manipulate you in order to get what they want.

Between parents and children

Parents with narcissism generally use triangulation in one of two main ways.

This narcissistic parent might work to buy the child’s love by:

offering treats the other parent doesn’t normally allow

lying or manipulating older children into believing the fault lies with the parent who left

ignoring reasonable rules and limits set by the other parent

The child might then respond by supplying the parent with the admiration and love they need and no longer receive from the other parent. If the other parent chooses to return to the relationship in order to better protect their child, they may find the child takes the side of the parent with narcissism.

In short, the narcissistic parent divides the child from the other parent.

Favored child vs. the scapegoat

A parent with narcissism might also triangulate by playing children off each other. They might designate one child as the good child, or the favorite, while the other serves as a scapegoat for wrongdoing and blame, explains Greenberg. The parent might alternate their attentions, occasionally elevating the scapegoat child and devaluing the favorite, or they might simply imply that the scapegoat child should try harder to earn their love and affection. In either scenario, they typically give only one child positive attention at a time. The other child, feeling neglected and ignored, tends to work harder to earn attention by competing with their sibling or making a dedicated effort to keep the parent happy (or both). They never know when they might earn the love and validation they crave, so they keep working for it. An occasional kind word or other positive reinforcement from their parent will generally only keep them trying harder to earn similar rewards.

Between friends and co-workers

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Triangulation often shows up in workplace interactions or friend group dynamics, since it offers a passive-aggressive way for someone to undermine a potential rival and regain control over social situations.

Example 1

Ever had a friend who said “You’re my best friend” one day and whispered behind your back the next?

People with narcissistic traits might use this tactic regularly to keep people competing for favorable attention. They might also temporarily elevate someone who seems better placed to help them get something they want, whether that’s a job recommendation, an introduction to an important person, or something more tangible.

Example 2

Your boss just asked you to take the lead role on a new project. It’s a lot of responsibility, but you’re excited: You know you can handle the project and do a great job. One of the co-workers assigned to work with you on the project feels pretty resentful of your role. They just know they’re better than you and could’ve done a far superior job. This co-worker has narcissistic defenses, but they don’t exhibit these traits outright. Instead, they tend to use more subtle tactics to get the approval and attention they need. So, they head to your boss and, with a show of reluctance, express a few concerns about your ability to handle the project. They might say: “I really didn’t want to bring this up, but I feel so worried. They’re having a lot of relationship problems, and a few times last month they were too stressed to keep up with their tasks. I ended up doing most of the work, but I didn’t say anything since I didn’t want anyone to know they couldn’t handle it.” You’re bewildered when your boss reassigns you to a supportive role, giving your co-worker the lead. You feel even more confused when they pull you aside, saying, “We’re all concerned about you. Just let me know if you have more work than you can handle, and we’ll find a solution.”

healthline.com - Narcissistic Triangulation: Defintion, Examples, How to Respond

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