What is the psychology behind toxic relationships?

A person in a toxic relationship may feel misunderstood and undermined in their relationship and may not feel encouraged to achieve their goals. A toxic person may see every achievement of the other person as a competition and will always try to one-up them.

simplypsychology.org - What Is a Toxic Relationship? 7 Signs and What to Do - Simply Psychology

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What are the signs of a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship is one where your well-being is threatened in some way, whether this by emotionally, psychologically, or physically. While signs of abuse are definitely toxic in any relationship, there are some more subtle ways in which a relationship can be toxic. If you notice any of the following 7 signs, it is possible you may be in a toxic relationship.

Feeling unsupported

The relationships can become very negative if there is a lack of support from one or both sides. A person in a toxic relationship may feel misunderstood and undermined in their relationship and may not feel encouraged to achieve their goals. A toxic person may see every achievement of the other person as a competition and will always try to one-up them. You may feel as if there is no point in progressing towards your goals if it will never be enough for the other person to be proud of you. You may be left feeling as if your successes and interests do not matter as much as theirs do.

Toxic communication

Often, you can recognise that someone is toxic in the way they communicate to you and others. They may be very sarcastic and be very critical of you, while covering it up by stating that they were ‘only joking’. They may always find fault with everything you do and blame you for everything negative that happens, never accepting blame themselves. They may also lie and gaslight, making you confused and have you questioning your sanity. You can also observe how they treat others, especially those they don’t know. For instance, they may be unnecessarily rude to a waiter at a restaurant or pick a fight with someone who cuts in line.

Distrust

While it is normal to experience a bit of envy from time to time, especially when you are in a new romantic relationship, constant suspicion and mistrust can become draining for the other person. A partner may never trust you even when you have given them no reason to not be trusted, which can prevent you from enjoying your relationship.

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A partner may monitor your location, keep wanting you to check in with them via text messages when you’re apart, and may question you if you are late back from work or a social event. You may feel as though your behaviours are restricted because you do not want to do anything that your partner feels unhappy about, and you may feel as if your life is being micro-managed by someone who needs to know where you are and what you’re doing every minute of the day.

Disrespect

A toxic person can show disrespect in many ways. This can be through embarrassment, criticism and putting them down, especially in front of others. They may not value boundaries and make the other person look bad. A toxic person may stonewall, meaning that they shut down and refuse to communicate to someone, especially when they are being confronted about their behaviour. They may refuse to acknowledge or listen when someone is expressing their feedback or wanting to share their emotions. Disrespect can also be displayed through lying to the other person, name-calling, and being verbally unkind.

Controlling behaviour

A toxic person may have a need to control another person in a relationship. This is where there is an unequal power dynamic, usually with one person dominating another in a self-serving manner. Some controlling behaviour can include wanting to always track your location and making comments about what you wear or do in a way to control. For instance, they may say ‘I don’t like when you wear that outfit. Don’t wear it again’. The toxic person may always want to have things go their way, disregarding any other way. They may even want you to spend all your free time with them, which could isolate you from friends and family and deprive you of your independence and other activities you may enjoy.

Walking on eggshells

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Someone who is in a relationship with a toxic person may try to do anything they can to not provoke the other person, avoiding any kind of conflict wherever possible. You may never know what type of mood the toxic person will be in that day, and they may get extremely angry at the smallest thing. If you are afraid of the response you are going to get, you may end up behaving in ways or doing things you may not want to do to avoid the other person becoming upset.

Needs being neglected

When you go along with whatever the toxic person wants to do, even if it goes against your comfort level or wishes can mean your own needs get neglected. You may go above and beyond to make sure the other person is happy and safe, but they may not do the same for you. You may try to bring up your emotional needs to them, but they turn it around so that you end up comforting them instead, thus there is a lack of emotional reciprocity. You may not be offered what you need, whether this be some space on your own or more independence. You may also feel too independent if the other person constantly neglects you, leaving you to deal with your troubles on your own.

simplypsychology.org - What Is a Toxic Relationship? 7 Signs and What to Do - Simply Psychology

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