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What is the number 1 marriage killer?

Killer #1: Over Familiarity This is the most common killer and is present in every single marriage that is not doing well. It is present even when couples think, "everything is fine."

themarriagefoundation.org - The 3 Killers Of Marriage

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The Three Killers Of Marriage

Everyone in a troubled marriage has a complex story as to how their current situation developed. And yet, as we have seen by working with countless couples, all problems in marriage stem from the same underlying mistakes. Fortunately there aren't many of them and once you learn about them, you'll be able to apply our tools to easily avoid them in the future.

Why marriages fail is not as complicated as many think.

Contrary to popular belief, many of the commonly believed marriage-ending-problems are not terminal at all. Issues such as watching porn, infidelity, financial issues, "falling out of love", and more are actually recoverable, when you understand what causes them and know how to rebuild from there. However there are three behaviors that are absolutely destructive to marriage, and as long as they continue to persist in your marriage, it will continue to degrade until your marriage ends, or you turn it around.

Killer #1: Over Familiarity

This is the most common killer and is present in every single marriage that is not doing well. It is present even when couples think, "everything is fine." It starts off very small and subtle, and grows unnoticed. However it is easy to identify by analyzing how you treat each other in your marriage. This killer alone can lead a couple to divorce and often does.

Over familiarity means taking each other for granted.

This usually happens when both individuals gradually start treating each other like siblings, or worse. Perhaps they expect their spouse to stay out of "their space", yet intrude into their spouse's space without hesitation; with criticisms or snide remarks. Or their speech and behavior becomes crude and disrespectful, yet they feel offended when treated that same way. Maybe you act as if you have the right to judge, criticize and berate your spouse, or they do the same. The easiest way to identify this misery causing killer is to compare how you behaved when you and your spouse were courting with how you behave now. You were probably respectful, appreciative, nice, and had some element of independence and privacy. If there is a difference to your current relationship, then you have become over familiar.

Killer #2: Poor Communication

Most people think they have a breakdown in communication when they feel unheard by their spouse, or their spouse is not doing what they think they should be doing. When their spouse doesn't appear to listen, they think their spouse needs classes in communication. Few consider their own failure to communicate. We all communicate differently depending on circumstances and relationships. You speak to your boss differently than you would to your neighbor, or a police officer. A big mistake many couples make is not realizing the way they communicate with their spouse is supposed to be unique, unlike any other venue of life. The particular needs of marital communication demand a special understanding in order to get the greatest amount of happiness from your marriage. Couples who speak to their spouses as they do with everyone else in their lives, especially combined with over familiarity, end up in a living hell.

Killer #3: Business Deal Mindset

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How often do 50 year olds make love?

31 percent of couples have sex several times a week; 28 percent of couples have sex a couple of times a month; and 8 percent of couples have sex once a month.

aarp.org - Sex at 50-Plus: What's Normal? - Older Married Couples, Having Sex ...

10. How often do you do "date night"?

32 percent of couples say they "never" or "hardly ever" have date nights. But 88 percent of couples who say they're "extremely happy" plan time alone together. Tip: Go out with your partner at least twice a month to maintain a sense of closeness.

11. Do you tell your partner how attractive they are?

47 percent of women and 55 percent of men say yes.

Tip: In unions of any length, more praise will yield more happiness. Be appreciative of your partner and you're likely to prompt more loving feelings in response.

12. Do you perform oral sex on your partner?

77 percent of women and 60 percent of men say yes.

Tip: Couples who do not include oral sex in their lovemaking tend to be just as happy with their partners as those who do. Whether you partake says more about what you and your partner enjoy than it does about the quality of your bond.

13. How often do you and your partner make love?

31 percent of couples have sex several times a week; 28 percent of couples have sex a couple of times a month; and 8 percent of couples have sex once a month. Sadly — or so we thought — 33 percent of respondents said they rarely or never have sex. But even among couples who report being "extremely happy," an astonishing one-fourth rarely or never get it on. Tip: If you haven't been able to reignite your relationship on your own, see a sex therapist. The American Association of Sex Educators can help you find a qualified practitioner in your area.

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