What is the hardest attachment style to change?

insider.com - Disorganized Attachment Style: 6 Telltale Signs - Insider

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A disorganized attachment has a combination of anxious attachment and avoidant attachment styles. If you have a disorganized attachment style, you may have a hard time trusting people. You may also alternate between clinging to your partner and distancing yourself from them. Attachment theory is a psychological tool that can help you identify how you approach relationships. The four attachment types are secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and disorganized attachment. A person with a disorganized attachment has some characteristics of people with anxious and avoidant attachment types. This means that they may be clingy, like people with an anxious type — but also avoid emotional intimacy, like someone with an avoidant type. Here's what you need to know about disorganized attachment and how you can change your approach to relationships.

What does it mean to have a disorganized attachment style?

Disorganized attachment style is the rarest of the four types — about 5% of the population has this form of attachment. "They long for a sense of belonging, connection, and love — but on the flip side they are afraid to trust and let others in," says Marni Feuerman, PsyD, LCSW, a psychotherapist in private practice. For example, someone with a disorganized attachment type might be extremely afraid of losing their partner, but also afraid of letting them be too close. "Stable, close, intimate adult relationships tend to be challenging to manage for these folks," says Thomas Plante, PhD, a licensed psychologist and professor at Santa Clara University.

There are certain telltale behaviors of disorganized attachment style:

You have a hard time trusting other people. You struggle with regulating your own emotions in relationships. You have a hard time responding to other people's emotions. You alternate between clinging to your partner and distancing yourself from them. You have a negative view of yourself and other people. You sabotage relationships, even when you want them.

Causes of a disorganized attachment

According to attachment theory, disorganized attachment develops when you're a young child. It happens when your parent or caregiver, who is supposed to be a source of safety, becomes a source of fear, says Feuerman. There are several childhood experiences that can put people at greater risk of developing a disorganized attachment style:

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A caregiver ignores their child's cries or basic needs. A caregiver punishes or humiliates the child for expressing their feelings and needs. The caregiver acts in extremely inconsistent and unpredictable ways. The child experiences physical, sexual, or emotional abuse by their caregiver. The child witnesses their caregiver abusing someone else. The caregiver is sometimes loving and nurturing, and other times neglectful or abusive.

How to deal with a disorganized attachment style?

"Disorganized attachment style is said to be the most difficult of the three insecure attachment styles to treat or change," Feuerman says. But it's important to know that your attachment style can shift over time — you can develop a secure attachment style by changing the way you act and think. "The best way to cope is to seek treatment that focuses on 'attachment revision'," says Feuerman. Finding a therapist who specializes in attachment theory can be a good first step. You can also seek out emotionally focused therapy (EFT), a type of therapy that's based on attachment theory. EFT can help heal disorganized attachment by changing the way you manage your emotions, engage with other people, and develop your sense of self. It may also be helpful to cultivate "healthy and productive relationships with mentors, spiritual directors or clerics," Plante says, as this may "provide the corrective emotional experience that can nurture higher quality relationships moving forward."

Insider's takeaway

Disorganized attachment is an attachment style that can make it hard to connect with other people and form close relationships. Experiencing trauma in childhood can cause you to develop disorganized attachment, but it's not necessarily permanent. "These challenges set the stage for potential significant relationship problems in the future. However, none of us are doomed by our early childhood experiences," Plante says. Disorganized attachment style can be hard to treat, but certain forms of therapy, like EFT, can help you change your current patterns and form more secure attachments with other people.

insider.com - Disorganized Attachment Style: 6 Telltale Signs - Insider

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