The most common fears within relationships may include: intimacy. inadequacy. abandonment. ... Common fears in relationships a need for excessive reassurance. premature commitment or exclusivity. difficulty tolerating the ambiguity of a new relationship.
According to Carla Marie Manly , PhD, a clinical psychologist in Sonoma County, California, common sources of relationship fear may come from:
“The more evidence one has that the threat is unavoidable, the more fear there tends to be,” says Mallory Frayn , PhD, a clinical psychologist at Impulse Psychology in Montreal, Canada.
Experts suggest that most relationship fears are linked to a perceived “threat” in a previous, formative relationship and a desire to avoid repeating the negative experience.
Relationship fears may stem from a number of places and require different levels of care and attention.
Your past experiences have the potential to show up as fears in your current relationships — but you can learn how to face them.
According to Manly, relationship fears may develop in the “primitive brain” — the unconscious, impulsive part of the brain associated with survival instincts.
When the primitive brain becomes fearful about a relationship, it may lead to depression, anxiety, and frustration.
Some relationship fears are natural, while others are more powerful and may hinder your relationship success.
“It’s OK to be fearful,” says Mitch Keil, PsyD, of Keil Psych Group in Newport Beach, California. “However, the ways that we act out this fear can cause harm to a relationship.”
According to Keil, root causes of relationship fears may include:
a need for excessive reassurance
premature commitment or exclusivity
difficulty tolerating the ambiguity of a new relationship
These root causes often lead to larger, more complex fears that need addressing. The most common fears within relationships may include:
intimacy
inadequacy
abandonment
rejection
Intimacy
Intimacy may include physicality, but it’s not limited to sexuality.
Intimacy may mean a connection to another person through:
emotion
intellect
spirituality
shared interests
A fear of intimacy may show up in varied ways and cause barriers within romantic relationships.
During the process of getting close to another person in an intense way, it’s common to feel some sense of hesitation, especially if you have underlying anxieties around self-esteem or acceptance.
What to do about it
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What intimacy looks like may vary, and learning what your partner needs is just as important as what you need.
To work through fears of intimacy, it’s best to talk with your partner about what makes you both feel at ease, loved, and heard.
“Communication and mutual understanding are essential,” Keil says. “Both need a willingness to honor each other’s unique histories and needs. Many couples report that learning each other’s love languages was a helpful tool in creating a sense of feeling loved and secure.”
Inadequacy
The fear of being inadequate can stem from different places and show up in different ways.
If you’ve ever found yourself questioning whether you’re worth investing in, you’re not alone.
Louisville, Kentucky-based author and therapist Deedee Cummings speaks to the presence of our inner child when feelings of lack of self-worth and inadequacy arise.
“Every one of us has a child inside of us who is still wanting what we craved when we were little,” says Cummings. “Some of us want to be held. Some of us are afraid you will leave and never return. Some of us are still angry.”
What to do about it
“Inner child” wounds often run deep, so it’s important to be patient with yourself and your partner.
“Communication, vulnerability, and responding rather than reacting is key,” says Donna Novak, PsyD, of Simi Psychological Group in Simi Valley, California. “Making sure you have [trusted folks] to talk to outside your relationship really helps as well.”
When negative self-talk arises, you may wish to use more open-ended language in responses — especially during discussions about your relationship with your partner. This may look like:
trading your “buts” for “ands” as a way to stop discounting yourself
adding “yet” to things you’ve yet to accomplish, making them goals rather than shortcomings
remembering that a “perfect relationship” doesn’t exist
Abandonment
A fear of abandonment is often associated with childhood experiences.
Cummings says that abandonment is a common root of issues with her clients and often leads to partners making moves based on what has yet to occur, almost as a preemptive defense mechanism.
“Learning both yours and the other person’s ‘love maps‘ and attachment styles can help you to co-create a way to work with each other’s vulnerabilities, rather than to act blindly or exploit them,” Keil says.
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Attachment work may occur through self-examination, often with the help of a therapist.
Keil says that for anything to change, we have to be willing to move past the discomfort and look within rather than simply resorting to pointing the finger at everyone else.
“If you find yourself externalizing the problems in your relationships, this is a red flag,” he suggests. “Moving from statements like ‘I just keep finding the wrong people’ to ‘I wonder why I am drawn to this type of a person’ is key.”
Rejection
A fear of rejection may stem from an aversion to loneliness or be connected to fears of inadequacy or abandonment.
“People fear they will not be accepted or are good enough for someone,” Novak says. “In response, due to many deeper subconscious habits, we tend to push away people and consequently set ourselves up for failure. Oftentimes, this revolves around responding with reactivity and defensiveness rather than vulnerability and authenticity.”
What to do about it
Research shows that feelings of fear may resemble feelings of physical pain. Similar to pain, we aim to avoid fear whenever possible.
“It’s normal for people to fear being rejected given that this fear has its roots in our very primitive need to feel safe and accepted,” Manly says. “That said, it’s important to work throughthe fear of being rejected to ensure that this fear does not take over a partner or the relationship.”
According to Manly, working through the fear may include: