What is the dark side of being empathetic?

At its worst, people feel “empathic distress”, which can become a barrier to action. Such distress leads to apathy, withdrawal and feelings of helplessness, and can even be bad for your health, according to Singer and Klimecki.

bbc.com - The surprising downsides of empathy - BBC Future

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On CBeebies, the BBC service for little children, there’s a programme called Treasure Champs, which aims to teach young viewers about their feelings, and how to manage them. In one episode, the character Barry – a blue rectangle with pink eyebrows – is glum about the result of his football match.

“We lost,” says Barry.

“It doesn’t matter!” says Kari.

“It was my fault. I let all the goals in.”

“I don’t understand why you’re so sad. Just forget about it.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not? It’s just a game.”

“You’re not showing a lot of empathy, Kari. It means putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.”

“Your shoes won’t fit me, Barry.”

As definitions go, Barry’s one seems a pretty good one for empathy – it’s about projecting yourself into somebody’s mind to feel what they feel. And as the episode goes on to tell its young audience, understanding other people’s feelings is important.

In the adult world, however, the virtues of empathy are less clear. As the pandemic pushes us into isolation, culture wars rage, and disinhibited cruelty brews on social media, it feels a little controversial to suggest that empathy has downsides. Yet in recent years, researchers have found that misplaced empathy can be bad for you and others, leading to exhaustion and apathy, and preventing you from helping the very people you need to. Worse, people’s empathetic tendencies can even be harnessed to manipulate them into aggression and cruelty. So, if not empathy, what should we aim to feel instead?

The word empathy comes from the German word “Einfühlung”, coined in the late 1800s, which might broadly translate as “feeling into”. But as psychologist Judith Hall of Northeastern University wrote in Scientific American last month, “empathy is a fundamentally squishy term”. Some see it as the ability to read their fellow human beings, or simply feeling connected to people, while others see it as more of a moral stance about showing concern for others. Even researchers disagree when they are studying it. Still, “despite the conceptual squishiness, most people view empathy as having something to do with understanding what other people are going through and being concerned about them”, writes Hall.

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What does a guy do when he likes you?

He leans toward you during conversation. People tend to naturally lean toward people they like in conversation, according to Battle. If the guy you like tends to lean his face in closer to yours while he's talking to you or listening to you talk, that's a good sign that he might be into you.

mindbodygreen.com - 22 Subtle Signs A Guy Likes You, From Dating Experts

Here's the thing about trying to know if a guy likes you: Sometimes looking for small signs is never going to give you an accurate full picture of what's going on. Some guys will do all of the above with their friends, while other guys will like someone but not do any of the above. "Some folks may be less able to express their attractions as overtly as this," Battle says. "For instance, my shy clients sometimes struggle with externalizing their feelings for a crush even in subtle ways. That means that even though they like someone, it might be harder for the other person to tell. When in doubt, talk about it!" If you're not sure if a guy likes you but is hiding it, just ask him and let him tell you directly how he feels. It sounds scary, but it definitely doesn't have to be! A simple "Hey, I think you're really cool, and I'm kind of into you—are you into me?" is casual, direct, a little sexy, and also nonthreatening. If it's a no, at least you know! And if it's a yes, now the fun stuff begins.