Photo: Ron Lach

What is the biggest betrayal in a relationship?

gottman.com - 3 Betrayals That Ruin Relationships (That Aren't Infidelity)

Are we just dating or in a relationship?

When you're dating someone you're not necessarily serious about them so you prioritise other things along with them like work, friends, activities...

Last updated Sep 6, 2022

How do the British flip the bird?

The two-fingered gesture, to be executed correctly, also requires the outside of the hand face out with your palm turned back toward your body....

Last updated Jan 20, 2020

Promotion

Infidelity is the betrayal our society focuses on, but it is actually the subtle, unnoticed betrayals that truly ruin relationships. When partners do not choose each other day after day, trust and commitment erode away. Partners may be aware of this disloyalty to each other, but dismiss it because it’s “not as bad as an affair.” This is false. Anything that violates a committed relationship’s contract of mutual trust, respect, and protection can be disastrous. Betrayals are founded on two building blocks: deception (not revealing your true needs to avoid conflict) and a yearning for emotional connection from outside the relationship. Below are three betrayals that ruin relationships. Only by confronting and taking responsibility for them can couples reestablish their trust in each other.

Emotional Cheating

It’s very easy for platonic friends to bond in the trenches of work, day after day. Sometimes we call this person a “work wife” or “work husband.” Even friendships made at the gym or local coffee shop can threaten the bond at home. These nonsexual relationships can lead to both parties sharing intimate details about each other’s lives. That doesn’t make it a betrayal. What makes it a betrayal is this: if your partner would be upset by the things you’ve shared or would be uncomfortable watching the interaction. Tom first learns of his wife’s sexless affair when they hosted a Christmas party. Emily has never mentioned Chris, the new manager of her department. At the party, Chris seems to know about Emily’s entire life. He even brought their son Marshall a Bumblebee Transformer. His favorite. Tom looks at Emily with a shocked expression. Her sheepish look sinks his heart. When he confronts her after the party, Emily argues about her friendship with Chris. She tells Tom it’s “nothing” because they are “just friends.” She then turns against Tom and defends Chris. She accuses Tom of being irrationally jealous and tells him it’s the reason he didn’t know about Chris in the first place. Tom feels there is nothing irrational about his jealousy. Whether he admits it or not, his wife is cheating. The evidence lies in her secrecy.

5 signs your partner’s friendship is not an innocent friendship

How much weight do you lose after a breakup?

Many women even see this as a silver lining. A study has revealed that women lose 5lbs on average in the first month after a break-up if they did...

Last updated Apr 28, 2022

What does being heartbroken do to your body?

Acute emotional stress, positive or negative, can cause the left ventricle of the heart to be 'stunned' or paralysed, causing heart attack-like...

Last updated Dec 12, 2019

Promotion

Has the friendship been hidden? Are your questions about the friendship responded with “don’t worry” or discouragement? Have you asked it to end, only to have your partner tell you no? Have your boundaries been disrespected? Is the friend the subject of fantasies or comments during troubled times in the relationship?

If you answered “yes” to any of the questions above, the friendship may be too intimate. Use Dr. John Gottman’s Conflict Blueprint from his book “What Makes Love Last?” to help talk to your partner about this issue.

Conditional Love

Couples don’t feel supported when one partner keeps a foot out of the relationship. They don’t feel like their partner has their best interests at heart, that they have their back. When this happens, it’s not uncommon for the betrayed partner to blame a trigger as the real problem, when it’s actually the lack of commitment. As Kristina reflects on her first marriage, she knows she began to feel betrayed when her husband stalled on starting a family. At first she thought he was anxious about becoming a father, but in couples therapy it became clear that he was hesitant to deepen his commitment to her. Sometimes a partner may pressure the other to marry or move in, believing the “next level” will deepen their connection, but it’s difficult for a marriage to succeed if it is built on a vow to create a strong bond rather than the result of one. The shallowness of the bond will eventually bleed through the connection. Steps to create unconditional love: When couples ignore or dismiss talking about difficult issues, they are left with a shallow commitment. By using conflict as a catalyst for closeness, couples can intentionally use problems as an opportunity to discuss their goals, fears, and dreams. Couples that unconditionally love each other live by the motto, “baby, when you hurt, the world stops and I listen.”

Emotional Withdrawal

What are the six elements of trust?

Sometimes called the six key elements of building trust, the 6 C's are the essential skills and attributes that will help you enhance the...

Last updated Feb 12, 2022

What a woman will do if she loves you?

She Prioritizes You. She Gets Jealous. She Always Tries to Be around You. She Listens to You. She Legitimately Cares about You. She Tries to...

Last updated Sep 7, 2019

Promotion

Emotional withdrawal can be something big, like choosing a work meeting over a family funeral, or it can be as small as turning away when your partner needs emotional support. A committed relationship requires both partners to be there for each other through the life-altering traumas and everyday nuisances. That means celebrating joys and successes with your partner, too. Everybody has different ways of expressing themselves. In a committed relationship, it is the responsibility of both partners to uncover and disclose these preferences to understand what the other requires to feel loved, protected, and supported. In his research lab, Dr. Gottman discovered that happy couples turned toward each other 86% of the time, while unhappy couples turned towards each other only 33% of the time. That means unhappy couples withdraw 67% of the time! Emotional withdrawal sets in when bids are ignored. Solution: To improve your emotional connection, focus on rebuilding and updating your Love Maps, cultivating a culture of admiration and fondness, and turning towards bids more often. Do any of the items listed above feel familiar or make you feel uneasy? If so, you may be facing a betrayal. Maybe it’s as serious as finding discomforting text messages between your partner and someone else. This list is not about who is right or wrong. Like sexual affairs, these betrayals can be overcome if you recognize the problem and repair the relationship together. Has your relationship experienced a sexual or emotional affair? The Gottman Institute is currently seeking couples for an international study on affair recovery. For more information, please click here. Learn how to make your relationship work in the first Gottman Relationship Coach program. Unsure which Gottman Relationship Coach product is for you? Take our quiz!

gottman.com - 3 Betrayals That Ruin Relationships (That Aren't Infidelity)

Are men happier married or single?

Hu found that reported happiness was higher overall among married people than unmarried people. By gender, 56.2 percent of married men said they...

Last updated Oct 20, 2021

How do you finally let go of someone?

How to let go of someone Recognize when it's time. Learning when it's time to let go is often the most difficult part of this process. ... Identify...

Last updated Dec 26, 2020

Promotion

What happens if we kiss so much?

Metabolic boost – kissing burns kilojoules. The more passionate the kiss, the greater the metabolic boost. Healthier mouth – saliva contains...

Last updated Mar 25, 2020

Promotion

How do you say I love you in weird ways?

40 Funny Ways to say “I Love You” 1.) Read between the swine: “I love you.” ... 2.) You are the crayons to my coloring book. ... 3.) I've fallen...

Last updated Apr 17, 2020