Infatuation Rules
Photo: Saifuddin Ratlamwala
Dr. Dick's Big Three framework focuses on relationship dynamics, and, more specifically, the idea that understanding where you and your partner land in each Big Three category—extroversion, emotionality, and effortful control—can improve the quality of your relationship in any number of ways.
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Read More »I f you’re familiar with astrology, you might immediately assume that the term “Big Three” refers to your f you’re familiar with astrology, you might immediately assume that the term “Big Three” refers to your sun, moon, and rising signs . However, Danielle Dick, PhD —author of The Child Code and professor of Psychology & Genetics at Virginia Commonwealth University—has a different definition. Dr. Dick's Big Three framework focuses on relationship dynamics, and, more specifically, the idea that understanding where you and your partner land in each Big Three category—extroversion, emotionality, and effortful control—can improve the quality of your relationship in any number of ways. And that includes stopping petty arguments from becoming a bigger deal than necessary. “The Big Three are genetically influenced temperament and personality dimensions that show up consistently in studies from around the world, in both kids and adults,” says Dr. Dick, who adds that understanding where we and our partners fall in each of these three categories allows us to “be more intentional about taking positive steps toward making our lives better.” Though Dr. Dick’s research surrounding the Big Three originally focused on children, psychotherapist Genesis Games, LMHC, says it’s unsurprising that the framework can also extend to romantic relationships—especially considering that the characteristics we have as children often follow us into adulthood.
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Read More »Emotionality has to do with how we deal with our emotions, and "how prone we are to fear, frustration, or distress,” says Dr. Dick. “Individuals who are higher on emotionality are more likely to be worriers or quick to [get irritated].” On the lower end of the emotionality spectrum are people who describe themselves as “going with the flow.” “Individuals who are higher on emotionality are more likely to be worriers or quick to [get irritated].” —Danielle Dick, PhD If you’re someone who gets nervous easily, worries a lot, or easily feels blue, Dr. Dick says, you likely land high on the emotionality spectrum. If sudden changes in plans (or in life) don’t make you immediately cringe, you probably land on the lower end of emotionality.
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Read More »For example, if you’re high on extroversion and your partner is lower in that regard, you may feel like you’re constantly struggling to get on the same page about what constitutes “fun.” Someone high in extroversion might enjoy going to music festivals or checking out a new restaurant in town, but a low extroversion partner might not want to participate. This might make the high extroversion partner feel sad and the low extroversion partner misunderstood. In reality, though, it's not that the low extroversion partner doesn't want to spend time with their high extroversion counterpart, but that they “need more downtime to recharge, and social gatherings can be draining,” Dr. Dick adds. Alternatively, if you’re lower on extroversion and your partner is higher, you might feel that they’re not as interested in spending time with you because they want to spend time with friends. However, Games says, it’s helpful to “understand that they are extroverts and recharge by being around a variety of people.” This can help you see that “It’s not about me or us, but a coping mechanism that is neither good nor bad,” adds Games. So what can you do if you find that your relationship Big Three traits aren't as closely matched as you’d like? Simple: Communicate. Dr. Solomon suggests asking your partner: “Can you help me understand what you're thinking? Can you help me understand your perspective, approach, [or] preference?” Curiosity, she adds, “helps us shift away from a ‘me versus you’ experience of the difference and move toward a stance that is us looking together at the difference.” Oh hi! You look like someone who loves free workouts, discounts for cutting-edge wellness brands, and exclusive Well+Good content. Sign up for Well+, our online community of wellness insiders, and unlock your rewards instantly.
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