What is the 3 second rule in dating?

It refers to the idea that when guys see a woman they fancy, they have three seconds to approach her, make eye contact, or strike up a conversation before she loses interest - or he bottles it.

cosmopolitan.com - The scary 'Three Second Rule' guys are using to test the women they date

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If you think about it, three seconds doesn’t sound like much time, but what if for three seconds you have no control over what’s being done to your body? And for three seconds, you don’t know whether the guy you’re with is going to take no for an answer?

That’s a situation a lot of women are finding themselves in, thanks to a so called dating rule which is testing the boundaries of consent in an underhanded way. And what’s worrying is that some women seem to be OK with it. I first came across the ‘Three Second Rule’ through a friend of mine, Chloe, who after a messy break up, had finally got the confidence to get back on the dating scene. She’d recently got into online dating and was planning to meet a computer consultant from Manchester, who sounded promising. Part of the fun of her getting back in the saddle was when she’d Whatsapp me the next day, so we could have a post-date gossip, analysing all the details. So that night, when she messaged me from the cab on the way home, I knew something was wrong. It turned out the date had been perfect until right at the end, when her ‘prince charming’ turned prince lecher and pounced on her. It had understandably left her shaken. Afterwards, he bombarded her with messages saying how he was sorry, but she was so gorgeous he couldn't control himself. For me it was a no-brainer. He was a creep and she needed to block his messages. Although she was gutted as the date had been great up to that point, she seemed to feel the same way as me. She even went as far as sending him a couple of links to articles about forced kisses (colloquially known as ‘kiss-rape’). That seemed to be the end of it, until we met up with one of our friends Rick*.

Her ‘prince charming’ turned prince lecher and pounced on her

I assumed his reaction would be the same as mine, apart from maybe he would go all Anthony Joshua on us and offer to punch his lights out. “Well it’s the three second rule isn’t it?” he said, in the kind of tone of voice that should have its own emoji. "When you’re with a woman, you kiss her uncontrollably and give it three seconds to see if she's into it."

I haven’t lived in a convent my whole life, but the three second rule? There was the one about toast falling on the floor, but this one was new to me. And frankly, I’m not sure I believe in either of them. It seemed obvious to me that this so called three second rule sounded more than a bit lacking in consent, and of course Chloe would think so too…wouldn’t she?

Instead, to my horror, Chloe started nodding in agreement. “Well it makes sense,” she said tentatively. Obviously I was shocked, but more than anything, I felt angry. Why couldn’t she see what I saw, that it was dodgy as hell?! But then once I cooled off a bit, her reaction made me realise how using the concept of a ‘rule’ made it easy to convince otherwise confident girls to question their own ideas of consent.

"It makes women feel gorgeous"

So I asked Rick, “What if your date isn’t into it? Surely no means no, not go into Carol Vorderman mode and set the timer. "Well if they aren’t, you stop right away, no bones about it. But I find most of the women are. It makes them feel gorgeous if you show you can't hold yourself back because they’re so sexy." I must admit, Rick’s justification also made me see him in a different light. The problem is that a lot of guys believe in the three second rule - it's not just the creeps, but people like Rick who seem perfectly nice, decent guys, the other 23 hours, 59 minutes and 57 seconds of the day. But, for those three seconds, they believe it’s acceptable to blur the lines.

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Essentially, the three second rule is not about waiting for a woman to say yes, but waiting for her to say no - and that's where it becomes a grey area in terms of consent. If you haven’t had a chance to say no because a guy has stuck his tongue down your throat before you can get a word in edgeways, does that really constitute consent?

"It's a horrible reflection of the understanding people have about consent"

According to Jessica Eaton, researcher in the psychology of sexual violence against women at Birmingham University, it doesn’t. “The three second rule was an old piece of advice about the time it takes to make a good first impression. How it’s shifted to meaning that guys can forcibly kiss and touch a woman for three seconds to see if she says no, is a horrible reflection of the understanding people have about consent. “One problem is that consent boundaries are ignored in films and soaps. In romcoms, we often see a man who has a sexual interest in a woman who is not interested in him – whom he then pesters, turns up at her work, sends her gifts, and tries to change her mind, which is framed as ‘true love’ or a ‘real man’ going after the woman he loves. “This leads to both men and women believing that men who pester them for intimacy, love, or sex are doing it because they really love the woman, and so consent boundaries become irrelevant. This comes from rape myths that women really do ‘want it’ so if they say no, they just need to be persuaded or flattered.”

Where it all began

The idea of the three second rule is a corruption of an idea that came from the best-selling book The Game, in which the author, Neil Strauss, infiltrates the underground world of professional pick up artists in New York and reveals the techniques they use to ‘pull’. The book topped the New York Times best sellers list for two months, but was considered controversial as it appeared to endorse some rather dodgy ideas of what is acceptable when trying to ‘persuade’ women to sleep with you. However in Strauss' book, the three second rule is a very different concept. It refers to the idea that when guys see a woman they fancy, they have three seconds to approach her, make eye contact, or strike up a conversation before she loses interest - or he bottles it. But somehow, the original concept has mutated from eye contact to dick contact with questionable effects on people's understanding of consent. “This new version of the three second rule sounds as if it comes from the so-called pick up community. Pick up is built around ‘scoring’ - scoring phone numbers, scoring a date, scoring in bed. It’s a one-dimensional way to approach dating, and sex,” says Dr Robert Glover, author of No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Guide to Getting What you Want in Love, Sex and Life. “In my experience, being nice does very little to attract women or turn them on. That doesn’t mean that women are turned on by aggressiveness. Confidence, social status, and even some degree of dominance can be turn-ons, but this is not the same as pushing women for sex.

"It makes women feel sexy when you take charge"

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“While it may feel validating for some people to have a seemingly confident man express high sexual interest in them, I would think the three second rule would only work on people who’ve been conditioned to believe they don’t have the right, or power, to say no.”

The men who use it

As you can imagine, finding any guys willing to talk about the rule was not easy, but according to Alex*, a 32-year-old accounts manager from London, it’s not an uncommon method. "A lot of women still believe if they show a man they want sex, especially on a first date, it makes them look cheap and the guy won't respect them. So, they hold back even when they don't want to. Also a lot of women want to have sex, but the guys are scared to go there because of #MeToo,” he says. "The three second rule gives women the opportunity to show they want to have sex when they want to, without feeling like the guy is going to judge them as cheap. And, the guy knows where he stands. It makes women feel sexy when you take charge. It works as long as you’re both on the same page and the guy accepts he could be rejected. We shouldn't all be judged by the small minority of guys who don't take no for an answer."

"I never saw myself as the kind of guy who disrespects women"

However, Tom*, a TV researcher from Manchester says his experience with one date has made him rethink the idea of the three second rule. “At uni, we often used to get drunk and hook up with other students, and even though we never discussed the three second rule, it was a given so we knew where we stood. “One night I had a really good time with a woman I liked, when things got heated. She freaked out, and afterwards said it felt like being raped. I was so shocked when she wrote the r-word because I never saw myself as the kind of guy who disrespects women. It felt like I had been slapped in the face. It was a total wake-up call. I still feel sick thinking about what she said, and I definitely changed my views.” “I don’t think there is anything remotely sexy about a guy pouncing on you like a piece of meat.” said Cat, a charity worker from Manchester. “When a guy I went for a drink with turned nasty, he tried to use the three second rule as an excuse for crossing the line, but feeling like you have to fight back is not a way to make you feel sexy. You feel like you are going to be raped.” At the end of the day, you have to trust the person you're with. If you feel vulnerable for even one second, that’s not sexy, that’s scary.