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What is the 90 10 Rule relationships?

The 90/10 principle says that 90% of the reason you react a certain way to your partner, is something that you brought to the relationship. It's your “stuff,” the baggage from childhood and previous relationships.

kathleenhanagan.com - The Principle of 90/10 In Your Intimate Relationship - Kathleen Hanagan

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The Principle of 90/10 In Your Intimate Relationship

“Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.” Rumi The principle of 90/10 is applied to many things, for instance, the notion that is 10 percent of your activities will account for 90 percent of your results. When you apply the principle of 90/10 to your intimate relationship, you have a powerful perception-shifting tool that helps you re-vision your partner as a true ally, rather than the reason for your misery. The 90/10 principle says that 90% of the reason you react a certain way to your partner, is something that you brought to the relationship. It’s your “stuff,” the baggage from childhood and previous relationships. 10% is about your partner, although when you are triggered,it feels as if it’s 100%, and the entire reason for your reaction is attributed to your partner. This is due to the emotional blindspots that all human beings have. At these moments, our brains are triggered to feel emotions that we dissociated from, because we have been afraid of what would happen to us if we felt them fully. This avoidance leaves the unconscious emotions within us, waiting to be felt fully in the present moment. The challenges in our lives present the opportunities for us to consciously feel our emotions and to awaken in time. We create and attract these challenges due to the powerful vibratory point of attraction of our emotional blind spot. When we are in our blind spot, we have dissociated from our original pain, and the reaction to the pain of the moment is intense and at times debilitating, and all we want to do is make it go away. Our attention becomes transfixed by the person or event in the world around us, most often an intimate partner, and we often feel the helplessness of the original pain. We blame them for this pain, which is our very own. Romantic love relationships activate the energy of the loveseed,that inviolate essence of infinite potential in each of us. Through the mirroring of each other’s loveseeds, each person is temporarily lifted to their best self by projecting their ideal onto the other and then expecting to be seen. As each person does this—with the assistance of phenethylamine, called the “love drug,” a feel-good neurostransmitter that is released into the nervous system in the presence of the loved one, the two begin to experience bliss. There is a deeply unconscious process going on, influenced by the flood of brain chemicals, that lead the two people to temporarily experience the end of their terror, loneliness, and other longings of the wounded child within. There is a shelf life to this experience, however, as the brain’s chemistry begins to adjust and acclimate to the other person. Unless each person undertakes the bold work of reconnecting to their own loveseed, a sense of “something missing” arises, the connection and passion wane, and conflict begins. Each person is wired in some basic way to choose the perfect partner with whom they will together co-create the heartache that has never been fully dealt with or healed.

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Imagine having the ability to know in the moment you are most triggered by your partner, that your partner is only contributing 10% to your reactivity. If it is intense and does not go away quickly, you are most likely dealing with your 90% from childhood or a past relationship. There is of course the here and now irritation of something said or done that rubs you the wrong way, and you move on from that, possibly giving your partner a pass because they are tired or stressed. But when it cuts and scratches and keeps you awake at night, you are experiencing the 90/10 illusion. You are in the territory of old pain, and if you can remember that at such moments, transformation is possible. Your reactivity is actually 100% your responsibility, but when we look at the trigger, it is a combination of your emotional blindspot and your partner. Making that distinction can make all the difference in your ability to have a healing experience with your partner, that creates new neural pathways in your brain. You surrender the need hold onto the pain, and simply allow your vulnerability to be known, without attributing blame. This would of course elicit far more empathy from your partner than if you put all the blame onto them, triggering their need to defend. You could begin to revision your partner as an ally in raising your consciousness and fully maturing as a human being. You could bond in an entirely new way, as friends on a path of growth and transformation. This is a powerful and intentional way of keeping passion alive, holding the tension of conflict to step into the field beyond right doing and wrong doing. It's a part of the template for a new and better world.

kathleenhanagan.com - The Principle of 90/10 In Your Intimate Relationship - Kathleen Hanagan

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