What is pocketing in a relationship?

A pocketing relationship is when you never meet your partner's friends. They're quite simply hiding you from them. Although, it could also be that they're hiding their friends from you. That might happen if this is their first gay relationship, for instance, and they're still unsure of who they are.

marriage.com - What Is Pocketing in Relationships? 10 Signs & How to Fix It

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Have you ever felt the confusion and doubt that seeps in when you realize your partner is hiding you from the world? Rather than proudly telling everyone about you on social media, they pocket you along with their phone. So, what can you do when you’re in a pocketing relationship?

What is pocketing in a relationship?

Pocketing is a relatively new term born from our social media habits where we pocket our phones and our lives along with them. So, if someone doesn’t share their relationship or partner on social media, the assumption is that they’re pocketing them.

In other words, they’re hiding their partner and relationship from the world.

What is pocketing in dating has become a big question. This is partly because most people are highly active on social media, and the expectation of what we share has changed. As this Pew Research article shows, 91% of people between 18 and 29 often post about romantic relationships. In this context, when someone doesn’t update their relationship status or share about their partner, they could be pocketing you. On the flip side, that person could simply be taking their time with the relationship before announcing it to the world. The other term you might sometimes come across is a stashing relationship. This one is perhaps more damning than being pocketed. Essentially, it implies your partner made a conscious decision to hide you from their inner circle. In contrast, a pocketing relationship can perhaps be more open to interpretation. Either way, before you talk to your partner, it’s dangerous to jump to conclusions. In fact, jumping to conclusions is known as a cognitive distortion, as a psychologist explains. In most cases, we’re wrong, and jumping to conclusions only leads to misunderstanding and conflict. You then only further confirm your pocketing relationship status and find yourself stuck.

Why do people pocket Someone?

All behaviors can be interpreted as either negative or positive. For instance, a pocketing relationship could lead you to the conclusion “my boyfriend is ashamed of me”. On the other hand, it could be that their parents are on social media and introducing you to them is a big step. As this paper on introducing parents shows, women tend to want to meet their partner’s parents to get a sense of what the future might look like, including in terms of health. On the other hand, men tend to want to meet their partner’s parents to solidify the relationship. Although, interestingly, the paper also confirms that younger adults with financial dependence are more likely to introduce their parents earlier. Again, younger adults move more quickly and will interpret a pocketing relationship as bad news. Whilst the pocketing dating trend has been exacerbated by social media, meeting the parents has been a big step for centuries. People worry about what their parents might think but they also worry about how their friends might react. After all, friends are often extended family. Of course, the pocketing dating trend can also be because of other reasons. It could be a sign that they don’t want to commit or that they’re already in another relationship. Then again, perhaps they’re ashamed of their friends so pocketing you is easier. This obviously doesn’t make it ok. Either way, your doubts about being in a pocketing relationship won’t disappear on their own. Work through the following signs as you gather your evidence and then find a way to communicate and problem-solve with your partner.

10 signs that your partner is pocketing you

Now we’ll get into the details to answer the question “what is pocketing”. Again, this doesn’t necessarily signal the end of the relationship. It simply means you need to change something. Regardless of the reasons, a pocketing relationship where someone hides half of themselves can’t go on forever.

1. You always meet in out-of-town places

The classic sign of pocketing dating is when you always seem to meet up in secluded areas far away from anyone. The idea is that if someone is maliciously pocketing you, they want to limit any chances of bumping into anyone they know.

2. They don’t introduce their friends

A pocketing relationship is when you never meet your partner’s friends. They’re quite simply hiding you from them. Although, it could also be that they’re hiding their friends from you. That might happen if this is their first gay relationship, for instance, and they’re still unsure of who they are.

Furthermore, perhaps they have no friends and they’re a workaholic. In that case, they might not even realize they’re in a pocketing relationship. Although, this might trigger other questions such as what does the future of this type of relationship look like?

3. Family is never mentioned

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What is pocketing dating is also when they never talk about their family. Although, they could be ashamed of their family or they might have grown up with trauma. These are clearly sensitive subjects that wouldn’t necessarily come up when dating.

4. You’re not on their social media page

The pocketing dating term most probably came from the social media world. Depending on your age group and personal social media habits you might expect your partner to update their status. When they then don’t post and share photos with the both of you, you might feel you’re in a pocketing relationship. An important clue is to look at how active they already are on social media and if not posting about you matches their habits.

5. They never introduce you

Not only are you never introduced to anyone outside a pocketing relationship but you’re also just the friend when you bump into people. This is the crux of what is pocketing dating. In a nutshell, you feel excluded from your partner’s life and it feels as if you’re an afterthought or “the bit on the side”. Such rejection, whether intentional or not, can cause deep hurt because it ignores our core need to belong. Have a look at this entertaining video if you want to learn more about how a sense of belonging impacts our wellbeing, including our immune system. You’ll also learn some tips to create more belonging in your life:

6. You never go to their place

Pocketing dating often involves not ever seeing their house or apartment. You’re completely in the dark which leaves you second-guessing. The mind is a curious thing and second-guessing usually involves thinking the worst. Then again, you do have to wonder what’s so bad about this pocketing relationship that they don’t want to show you where they live.

7. You never choose where to meet

What is pocketing if not being left in the dark? You have no idea where your relationship is going, let alone what it means today. Even worse, you feel completely out of control as you get no say in where you meet or who you meet.

A pocketing relationship can be a painful mix of emotions.

8. They seem to use you for hookups only

What does pocketing mean in dating if not casual sex? Of course, it could mean many things but sometimes the worst is actually true. They don’t want to invest in the relationship but they’re quite happy to use you for some fun on the side. Such a pocketing relationship is only worth your time if that’s also what you want. The key is to agree on this together and not in isolation.

9. They don’t talk about their past

The pocketing dating term can also refer to when your partner hides their past. After a certain time in a relationship, alarm bells start ringing if they don’t want to talk about their exes, for instance. Everyone has exes so why hide them? Are they secretly hoping to get back with an ex and only having fun with you to pass the time? Rather than imagining the worst though, talk to them and explain what you need to know and why.

10. You only ever hear excuses

Are you still asking yourself “what does pocketing mean in a relationship”? If you want to bring it back down to basics, a pocketing relationship is when all you ever hear are excuses. They have seemingly valid reasons for not sharing you with their friends and family. Nevertheless, if you’ve communicated what you need and if you’ve introduced your family and friends, you need to ask yourself if this is the right relationship for you.

Identify when your partner pockets you

So, what does pocketing mean in a relationship? It could be a turning point where you sit down and communicate as if for the first time. It isn’t easy sharing our feelings and we often hide them in relationships, especially at the beginning. Sadly, we spend too much trying to be our ideal self in relationships such that we hide our fears. It can be scary being vulnerable but it’s the only way if you want to avoid being stuck in a pocketing relationship. Clearly, the answer to the question “what does pocketing mean in dating” can also be a very different turning point. Perhaps you discover they are only using you and have no desire to create a future. In that case, the best thing you can do is to walk away. The most effective way to tell if you’re in a pocketing relationship is by talking about it. Pocketing can mean many different things but you can’t get rid of that nagging phrase “My boyfriend is ashamed of me” if you don’t tell him that’s how you feel.

What should you do if your partner is pocketing you?

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The pocketing dating trend can be damaging to your well-being. No matter how well-grounded you are as a person, a pocketing relationship will spark doubt and confusion in your mind. Ultimately, a relationship is about opening up to each other and sharing what it means to be each of you. That includes friends and family because they define how we live. Don’t get stuck in a pocketing or stashing relationship where you feel like a pawn being tossed around at sea. Instead, work through these steps as you decide if this relationship is worth investing in.

1. Communicate

As mentioned, we often jump to conclusions. It’s a very clever trait of the mind to help us make shortcuts in how we understand the world. Unfortunately, it also leads to misrepresentation. The only way to truly understand someone’s behaviors is by talking to them. Of course, they might not be ready to open up but you can at least start by describing how their behavior is making you feel. Once you’ve described how you feel about being in a pocketing relationship, listen to their response. Do they feel remorseful or do they shrug you off? If they feel remorseful, you can then work with them to help them open up.

2. Understand the potential causes

A pocketing relationship can start either because of malintent or due to ignorance. That’s not to excuse the behavior but it can be helpful to have some compassion when you communicate. In terms of ignorance, they might be unsure about their feelings, and they don’t realize that they’re hiding you from their world. They might have some past trauma which makes it hard for them to trust relationships, so it takes that much longer for them to share. Clearly, you don’t want to be in a relationship where your partner is hiding you from his spouse. Nevertheless, stay open as you listen to their feelings on the matter. As you listen to how they feel about being in a pocketing relationship, don’t be scared to talk about your need for intimacy. Part of that might be to understand where they come from by meeting their family and friends. You might also need to learn about their friends and family in order to feel safe in the relationship. Whatever it is, a good rule of thumb during these conversations is to stick to “I” statements as a therapist explains in this article on emotional needs in a relationship.

4. Listen to their fears

Moving on from a pocketing relationship can take some effort from both people. You might need to reassess how you communicate your needs, and they might need to let go of some fears. Depending on where you are in the relationship, you might decide to go to a therapist or counselor. Recovering from fear of intimacy or from trust issues in relationships takes time and often works best with a professional to guide you.

5. Plan baby steps

Most important when dealing with a pocketing relationship is to move forwards in safe steps. Share your needs and your fears only as much as you’re comfortable. Listen as much as you can though and support each other through this stage. The chances are you’ll end up stronger with more effective communication and problem-solving skills as a couple.

Moving forward from pocketing relationships

What is pocketing in dating if not confusion and distress? We often feel terrified about the uncertainty of a pocketing relationship. We prefer for our relationships to be shouted across social media because we then feel reassured. Nevertheless, you never know what past trauma is causing your partner to pocket you. Try not to jump to conclusions and find time to sit down with your partner and communicate how you feel about being pocketed. Depending on their response, you can find ways to create openness and trust together, sometimes with a therapist. Alternatively, they might give you the signs that it’s time to reassess your relationship. Either way, don’t linger in a relationship where you’re not valued and where openness and trust don’t exist. Life is too short to not find the relationships we deserve that make us feel whole.

marriage.com - What Is Pocketing in Relationships? 10 Signs & How to Fix It

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