Photo: Trần Long

What is orbiting in a relationship?

5. ) “Orbiting” is one of those digital dating terms that perfectly defines what many of us have experienced but didn't know there was a word for. It's when someone you were dating tells you they are no longer interested, but keeps you in their orbit by engaging with you on social media.

thestar.com - He told me he wasn't interested, so why does he keep me in his orbit?

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“Orbiting” is one of those digital dating terms that perfectly defines what many of us have experienced but didn’t know there was a word for. It’s when someone you were dating tells you they are no longer interested, but keeps you in their orbit by engaging with you on social media. Kayla V., 27, who asked the Star not to disclose her last name, is being orbited and has been for a while. She went on about five dates with a guy she matched with on a dating app, and was happy with the direction things were going. Then after a particularly good hang at her condo, he called her and broke things off, without explanation. Not only was she blindsided, but she was confused at what had suddenly changed. “I didn’t understand because he seemed really into it one day and then not the next,” Kayla said. To add to her confusion, after their call, he unfollowed her on Instagram, only to refollow her a week later. This made her hopeful that he had a change of heart, but as the days went on, she never heard from him. He was radio silent and yet, he would watch her Instagram stories as soon as she posted them and has continued to do so since he ended things in November. “I was always so curious why he went through the trouble to unfollow me and then refollow me, yet never tried to directly reach out or communicate,” Kayla said. She says his behaviour confused her and admits she began obsessing over it and analyzing what his actions could mean. “When someone changes their opinion on things so quickly, you kind of wonder what you did wrong,” Kayla said. “All this time spent wondering what it means is a waste of time,” said Logan Ury, dating coach and author of “How not to Die Alone.” She suggests taking people at face value. If someone tells you they’re no longer interested in moving the connection forward, believe them. “If I were coaching Kayla, I would say that I understand why this feels confusing because you feel like you’re getting mixed messages,” Ury said. “We’ll never know what this person’s intentions are: if they like you but they were scared to fall in love, if they weren’t interested, if they look at everyone else’s Instagram stories; you will never get an answer.” Ury, who’s also the director of relationship science for the dating app Hinge, says she would block this person, close the door and move on. “It will help protect you from checking to see who saw your stories,” Ury said.

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Smart in theory, but counterintuitive for those who post on social media with one specific viewer in mind. It’s not uncommon (though many wouldn’t dare admit it) for someone to curate a caption, post or story in an attempt to grab the attention of someone they know is orbiting them. After being refollowed, Kayla admitted that she started changing her content and began posting more thirst traps (sexy selfies and snaps of her posing in a bikini) and videos of herself out with girlfriends giving off a social, happy vibe, in an attempt to entice him and show him what he’s missing. This despite the fact that she was in fact bothered. Though common, Ury finds this type behaviour problematic. “You’re spending a lot of time and energy wondering if this person might be interested in you, trying to convince them to be with you and basically putting on a performance in order to attract that person,” Ury said. She said spending your time trying to get someone who rejected you to choose you by posting thirst traps is not a strategy that she’d recommend, because this is a person who already told you they’re not interested. “I understand why you feel there might be a chance because they’re watching your stories, but that’s not a recipe for success,” Ury said. Instead, she said, stop putting on a performance for them and be as authentic as you can be on social media by focusing on becoming a more interesting person, learning more about the world, investing in your mental health and going to events where you meet new people. “I would actually take the amount of energy that you’re putting into attracting somebody who rejected you and put it toward your own happiness, fulfilment, satisfaction and meeting someone else who is actively choosing you and doesn’t need to be convinced to be with you,” Ury said. You may be wondering why someone would even bother orbiting in the first place? Well for one, it can be completely innocent. Since they have moved on, they may see no harm in it, or your story just happens to come on the loop as they watch all the stories of people they follow. After all, just because someone is watching your story, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything other than the fact that they’re simply watching your story.

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Nadia Addesi is a therapist based in the GTA who posts videos on ways to cope with everything from anxiety to relationship issues on her popular TikTok account. She began posting videos at the start of the pandemic to help provide support and resources to people who were trying to understand and cope with their feelings, and has since amassed 3.1 million followers. She says there’s no universal answer to why someone is orbiting you and it can mean a variety of different things. “For example, one person can orbit as a way to show that they still care, another can for means of control, but ultimately it would be too challenging to pinpoint it,” Addesi said. If someone’s orbiting and it’s having an effect on your well-being, she recommends being direct. “If we feel as if someone’s trying to send us messages, but they hurt us and we don’t wish to have a relationship with them again, then there’s nothing wrong with setting personal boundaries where you block the individual, or reach out to them and tell them to stop,” Addesi said. If it feels safe and you’re still seeking closure, she suggests asking the individual what happened. “Whether the individual who’s doing the orbiting has gone through something traumatic or is just too overwhelmed to say something, it’s something they need to work on and does not say anything about you as a person.” Without closure and continuing to see his name at the top of her social media, Kayla has found it challenging to move on, but admits that a good lesson came out of her experience. “I’m sure many people have gone through this. The Toronto dating scene is brutal,” Kayla said. “This has taught me to not get ahead of myself, to take it very slow and to maybe hold off on being so quick to add a dating-app match on social media.”

thestar.com - He told me he wasn't interested, so why does he keep me in his orbit?