Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: RODNAE Productions
1. Negging. Negging is very similar to the covert put-down or backhanded compliment used by narcissists. A neg is a comment meant to undermine a persons self-confidence so that they are more vulnerable to advances from the perpetrator.
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Read More »We all know that narcissistic and sociopathic individuals use specific manipulation tactics to unsettle their victims. But did you know that some of the techniques they use overlap with that of pick-up artists? Not all pick-up artists are narcissists, but many narcissists are natural pick-up artists. For narcissistic manipulators, this type of pick-up artistry comes organically as a result of learning how to con others from an early age: they dont need to pore over books like The Art of Seduction or The Game for hours in order to master the art of mimicking, love-bombing, and devaluing others. Many sociopathic predators have been using manipulation their whole lives to get ahead and thus have are far more sophisticated tactics in their arsenal of psychological terrorism. As a result, their scripts are more convincing, especially if they are clever wolves in sheeps clothing. Yet some predators do use similar techniques as pick-up artists as part of their nefarious toolbox. Here are the top five tactics you should look out for, especially if you suspect you may be involved with a player on the narcissistic spectrum: 1. Negging Negging is very similar to the covert put-down or backhanded compliment used by narcissists. A neg is a comment meant to undermine a persons self-confidence so that they are more vulnerable to advances from the perpetrator. In the pick-up artist community, negs are used especially when the target is perceived to be more attractive or appealing than the pick-up artist. It allows the pick-up artist to bring down the target a notch or two so that the victim feels compelled to win the predators approval or validation. For example, a male pick-up artist may neg a highly attractive woman by saying something like, If youre lucky, I may even buy you a drink. In this scenario, they know this woman is used to men fawning over her, so they neg her in hopes that she will think hes different and strive to seek his approval. While negging certainly doesnt work on everyone, there has been research that indicates that women who have their self-esteem temporarily lowered tend to find a male stranger who approaches them more attractive; both men and women with lowered self-esteem also tend to be compliant and agreeable to the requests of others (Walster, 1965; Gudjonsson and Sigurdsson, 2003). Negging can be especially dangerous if youre not aware youre being negged.Researchers believe that if you feel flawed or defective yourself or already struggle with your self-esteem, youre likely to expect less from a potential partner and have a heightened need for acceptance and affection. Those with trauma histories or prior relationships with narcissists should always be wary if they are met with these types of comments and resist internalizing them. Instead, they must immediately detach as soon as such a comment is made because its likely such negging will escalate, especially if the manipulator is particularly sadistic and wants to provoke a reaction. Remember that these comments are meant to unsettle you for a reason its because the predator in question believes you are above them in some way and wants to take you down. Consider it a compliment that they’re willing to stoop so low to bring you low – albeit, a backhanded one. 2. Manufacturing Love Triangles and Harem Management In his book, The Art of Seduction, Robert Greene suggests that seducers create an aura of desirability by pretending they have many suitors (whether thats the reality or not). This involves creating a perceived sense of competition so that the target is compelled to win this highly desirable persons attention and affection. As Greene writes: “Few are drawn to the person whom others avoid and neglect; people gather around those who have already attracted interest. To draw your victims closer and make them hungry to possess you, you must create an aura of desirabilityof being wanted and courted by many. It will become a point of vanity for them to be the preferred object of your attention, to win you away from a crowd of admirers. Build a reputation that precedes you: If many have succumbed to your charms there must be a reason.” Narcissists do this as one of their primary tactics in relationships: it is known as triangulation and harem-building. They will often make themselves look like they are highly sought after or have many options. They manufacture love triangles by constantly bringing up their exes, people theyve dated or people who were apparently obsessed with them. They may indulge in stories about how people throw themselves at them or of being hit on excessively. They may do this all while throwing on an air of loyalty and devotion to you to make you feel special even while putting you on edge and making you feel off-balance and uncertain. If you find that on a date someone talks at length about their former partners or those they find attractive, orthat they flirt with others around them (such as the waitstaff), consider this a major red flag. These are automatic dealbreakers because such tactics are used to dismantle and unsettle you. Break the triangle by removing yourself out of the equation altogether. A healthy partner will strive to make you feel cherished and secure an unhealthy one will manufacture and feed insecurities. You never have to compete for a worthy partners attention. 3. The 7-Hour Rule, Disclosure and Premature Intimacy Narcissistic individuals know that getting a victim to trust them and feel comfortable around them is crucial to getting them invested and vulnerable. Narcissists know how to do this in spades at the beginning of relationships. They assess their victims vulnerabilities and morph into what they may be missing from their lives. In the honeymoon stage of the relationship, they spend a lot of time grooming their victims. Pick-up artists and narcissists alike use the excessive amount of time paired with early disclosure of personal details to manufacture a false sense of intimacy which does not exist yet. Such a method has actually been scientifically proven to be effective. Arthur Aron and his fellow researchers (1997) discovered that intimacy between two strangers could be enhanced by having them ask each other a series of personal questions. As the authors of the study note, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Narcissists use this technique to learn more about their victims weak spots to use against them in the future; pick-up artists use it to escalate sexually. Pick-up artists advocate for what is known as the seven-hour rule regarding the time that should be spent engaging with the target. Coined by pickup artist Mystery, this rule is used to describe the amount of time usually spent with a woman before going for the close in other words, sex. If you are on a first date with a narcissistic player or pick-up artist, for example, you may find them prolonging the date and telling you seemingly romantic things like, I dont want this night to end do you? or pushing you to make a second date before youve even finished your first. This is a strategic move to heighten the level of investment and increase trust in the victim. It is advised in the PUA community that such time be spent getting to know the target, disclosing things about yourself, and getting the target to disclose about themselves, with topics becoming more and more intimate. That way, the target comes to perceive you as a potential sexual or romantic partner early on. To counteract this method, resist disclosing personal details when a date reveals intimate information so prematurely. Remember that anything and everything you tell a narcissistic individual or pick-up artist can and will be used against you – whether it’s used to get you in their bed or to mess with your head.
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Read More »4. Emotional Anchoring and Seduction-Withdrawal Both pickup artists and psychopaths love to engage in what is known as emotional anchoring to better influence and control you. Anchoring is a neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) term used to describe the process in which an internal response becomes associated with an external or internal trigger. This method allows for that response to be accessed automatically whenever that trigger is present. Similar to conditioning, anchoring is a way for the predator to become associated with certain memories and emotional states in your psyche to evoke a certain response from you. The anchors can be anything such as specific gestures, a certain tone of voice, a scent, a physical movement or touch on a specific part of your body, a certain location, a song, a word – anything you can think of is fair game. The most effective anchors are ones that are unique (so that they aren’t indiscriminately triggered), repeated to be associated with a specific emotional state, and are conditioned during times of peak emotional intensity. Narcissists use general emotional anchoring and conditioning throughout the abuse cycle to associate pain and pleasure. Pick-upartists primarily use emotional anchors to “retrieve” and make you associate pleasurable states with them. However, bothtypes can engage in seduction-withdrawal and hot-cold behavior to create compulsive “chasing” and behaviors in their victims. Simply put, anchoring is part of the overall conditioning that makes you addicted to a predator. Seduction-Withdrawal and Hot/Cold Behavior Both pick-up artists and narcissists alike use “seduction-withdrawal” methods to anchor themselves as important in their victim’s minds. A pick-up artist may pair a blissful date with a moment of coldness to create a sense of pain, pleasure, fear,and excitement simultaneously in his (or her) target – knowing that all these emotions are associated with the biochemical addiction involved in love. If his target fears losing his attention, she might work harder to regain it. Narcissists engage in hot-and-cold behavior to provoke their victims into chasing them and to reinforce their sense of power and control over their victims. They may put you on a pedestal one moment, only to distance themselves abruptly or compare you unfavorably to someone else the next. If you notice that someone you’re dating engages in abrupt hot and cold behavior, withdraw yourself from the relationship. This person will never give you the type of consistency you’re looking for. How Narcissists Pair Anchoring with Love-Bombing and Punishment Narcissists engage in what is known as love-bombing to create heightened emotional anchors: they shower their targets with excessive praise, flattery,and attention in order to make their victims dependent on them (Archer, 2017). Since victims are conditioned to associate the natural dopamine high they receive when with the narcissist, withdrawal from that relationship is often painful and debilitating. Narcissists and sociopaths take anchoring one sadistic step further in the abuse cycle: they can also pair your happy memories and sources of joy (such as news of you receiving a raise or becoming pregnant) with their callous and cruel punishment so that you are even more under their control. They may sabotage holidays or special events to ensure that you never forget them and come to associate these happy moments with the threat of their horrific behavior. They may also access existing anchors from the past, tapping into past emotional states by retriggering a blissful experience or by reenacting a trauma they know youve already experienced. Anchoring in Pick-up Artistry Pick-up artists can use emotional anchors in specific ways to sexually escalate. They may condition you to associate certain environments, situations, or moods with them. This can be done through grand gestures or subtle moments. For example, a narcissistic pick-up artist might have a habit of spontaneously kissing you in the middle of a public place (whether in a fancy restaurant or the middle of the street) so that you associate those specific locations with them, as well as a mood of romance with being with them. These are memories they are purposely implanting so that whenever you pass by that location or watch a romantic film with those same scenarios, you remember them and access the same emotional states of arousal and bliss. Pick-up artists may also add on physical anchoring as a way to make their targets associate their touch, voice, gestures or scent with positive memories and emotional states. For example, a woman might wear a certain delicious smelling perfume that her date comes to associate her with whenever he comes across a similar scent. Or, a man might speak in a deeper voice whenever hes speaking about something sexual, to get a woman to feel aroused even when hes speaking about innocuous things in the same type of voice. Become aware of anchors, as they can add to the addictive nature of being with a narcissist. You can unanchor yourself by observing any impulsive behavior youre engaging in around the narcissist. What is the impulsive behavior tied to? What triggers it? For example, you might find that you’re drawn to a certain song which makes you remember the narcissist vividly because you slow-danced to it. You might feel compelled to reach out to the narcissist whenever you hear that song. You can start to “unanchor” the trigger by taking note of it whenever it occurs. You may then decide to establish a new association to this song (doing a new memorable activity preferably when you’re in a positive emotional state which involves the song). Or, you can rework that anchor by repeatedly and actively remembering the narcissist’s true nature rather than the romantic memory whenever you hear it. This is a way of anchoring yourself in a way that allows you to move forward. You can then create newer, healthier associations with those same environments, situations, triggers, or moods which have nothing to do with the narcissist.
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