What is marriage to a narcissist like?

Being married to a narcissist can result in low self-esteem; diminished healthy connections with others; restricted access to resources needed to leave the relationship; and mental health struggles as a result of the narcissistic abuse endured.

choosingtherapy.com - 15 Signs You're Married to a Narcissist & What to Do About It

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15 Signs You’re Married to a Narcissist

A narcissistic spouse will primarily focus on themselves, with their secondary focus being on attaining the admiration and attention of others. They will often deploy a variety of narcissistic relationship patterns such as manipulation, charismatic, and exploitational tactics in order to ensure that their own needs and wants are met. As a spouse, you may be the subject of their manipulation and abuse, while your partner treats everyone else positively. This is done to maintain a facade worthy of praise from others, making it difficult to see or believe the signs that your partner is actually a narcissist.

Here are 15 signs you’re married to a narcissist:

1. You Don’t Feel Connected to Them

One of the foundational diagnostic criteria for NPD is a lack of empathy.2 Human beings connect emotionally by feeling seen, heard, and understood by others, which is at the core of empathy. In place of this trait, narcissists tend to be overly charismatic, thus naturally drawing others toward them. This can feel confusing for their partners, as they may find it difficult to distinguish between narcissistic charisma and a lack of empathy.

2. You Are Gaslighted by Them

People with narcissism often gaslight their partners, which is the act of invalidating another person’s experience in order to make one question its authenticity. Narcissists gaslight others because their fragile self-esteem crumbles if their imperfections or mistakes are perceivable.3 When these mistakes can’t be hidden, narcissists will outright change the narrative to reflect a more favorable narrative for themselves.

3. They Love Bomb You

Love bombing is when someone bombards their partner with affection; strong emotions; and gifts of time, energy, or things. A narcissist uses love bombing to build a facade of intimacy and trust, so their partner will stay in the relationship. Because of this, the partner may not notice the deeper underlying problems; this in turn creates an idealized situation that the partner will attempt to pursue and re-create throughout the relationship.

4. They Hold Grudges

When a narcissist feels as though they have been slighted or insulted, all of their insecurities and deepest fears are realized. They cannot process, understand, or release internalized pain in a healthy way, so they often hold grudges and seek revenge in the future.

5. They Use Triangulation

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Triangulation is when two people are having a disagreement, and a third person is brought into the argument in order to resolve the problem. Narcissistic triangulation is a manipulation tactic to ensure that only the narcissist’s viewpoint is validated. The opposing person’s perception is then invalidated, convincing the victim to question themselves and eventually abandon the argument altogether.

6. They Control You

A narcissist fears being rejected and abandoned so much that it often leads them to seek control of those around them. They may do this by restricting who you spend time with; how much money and resources you have access to; and how many decisions you are able to make for yourself before you face negative repercussions from them.

7. They Isolate You

Narcissists cannot keep up their facade of perfection forever, so they isolate their partners from loved ones that may point out their manipulative and abusive behaviors. In order to keep you from leaving, a narcissist will convince you to cut off these relationships. This may be done by the narcissist formulating lies about your loved ones, or telling you that it’s best for you to cut ties. Narcissists truly believe that others are less competent than they. Because of this, narcissists often use what’s called “infantilization.” They may treat you as though you were an infant or child, allowing the narcissist to take away your responsibilities, talk down to you, or limit your ability to perform simple tasks.

9. They Call You Names & Put You Down

A narcissistic person will often call their partners names or highlight their weaknesses in demeaning ways. Over time, this can convince a person that they aren’t worthy of being treated better. This often starts in small, sometimes seemingly “joking” ways, but usually builds in frequency and intensity until their partner gets used to it.

10. They Feel Impossible to Please

“Moving the goalposts” is when someone changes the rules of a situation midway through, in order to keep another from succeeding or meeting expectations. A narcissist will do this so that their partner will continue to seek their approval, allowing them to maintain a place of authority.

11. They Are Always Talking About Themselves

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Because narcissists are solely focused on themselves, they will often incorrectly assume that everyone else is as interested in their thoughts, feelings, and desires as they are. They may talk about their opinions in inappropriately lengthy detail, failing to realize that others’ viewpoints deserve to be heard, too. Because of this, conversations often feel one-sided, as others are rarely permitted to contribute anything substantial to the dialogue.

12. They Never Seem Happy With Your Present Life

Another foundational diagnostic criteria for NPD is a preoccupation with fantasies about being successful, wealthy, powerful, beautiful, etc. Because they are preoccupied with the possibilities of their grand future, it may seem that they are dismissive or unappreciative of the current life you share together.

13. They Fish for Attention & Compliments

A narcissist’s lack of self-esteem keeps them from seeing the positives within themselves, keeping them reliant upon the positive input they receive from others. Because of this, a narcissistic person will often fish for compliments or ensure that all attention remains on them. They will continue to engage with those who provide them with praise and favorability. Alternatively, those who do not do so, will be treated negatively by the narcissist.

14. They Are Highly Reactive to Criticism

Comments perceived as negative or critical will feel like a direct attack to a narcissist, because it elicits the shame that is often associated with their need to outwardly project perfection.4 A partner with narcissism may lash out to conceal this sensitive aspect of themselves through denial, insults, and verbal or physical violence. Narcissists cannot comprehend why you are deserving of love and attention. Because they see their needs and wants as paramount, they will often completely ignore your own desires. This can result in you feeling more like a “thing” within the relationship, instead of a person.5

choosingtherapy.com - 15 Signs You're Married to a Narcissist & What to Do About It

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