What is hoovering in a relationship?

Hoovering is a manipulation tactic used to “suck” victims back into toxic relationship cycles. Someone who hoovers fears that their target will “get away” from them, so they may engage in love bombing, feigning crises, stalking, or smear campaigns in order to suck up all their target's time, energy, and attention.

choosingtherapy.com - What Is Hoovering? 10 Signs & Why Narcissists Do It

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10 Signs of Hoovering

If you suspect you are being hoovered, it’s important to be aware of the warning signs. Sometimes, hoovering can be insidious. You may not be able to distinguish what’s happening until things worsen progressively. In addition, gaslighting often goes hand-in-hand with hoovering. For instance, even if you suspect something might be wrong, the other person may try to convince you that you’re overreacting.

Here are ten signs someone is hoovering you:

1. They Seem Apologetic

Hoovering may look like excessive, over-the-top apologies. You can typically distinguish an inauthentic apology from a real one by a few words. For example, an inauthentic apology sounds like, I’m sorry you feel that way; I’m sorry, but; or, I’m sorry if. Inauthentic apologies can also come across as grandiose and cluttered. People who hoover may repeatedly come in and out of your life. One moment, they may seem to accept that the relationship is over. But, just as it feels like things are healing, they come back into your world again. They might use nostalgia as a weapon, reaching out with statements like, I was driving and heard this song on the radio. It made me think of you. Hope you’re doing well!

3. They Send You Gifts

Giving gifts can also be an example of hoovering. Sometimes, it’s a way for people to love bomb others back into their lives. These gifts may be a way to apologize for problematic behavior, but the kind gestures often stop once a person gets what they want.

4. They Gaslight You

Gaslighting is a common hoovering tactic. Gaslighting can sound like, I just wanted to check up on you- I know you’re having a hard time (even when you aren’t), or I know things got out of hand for both of us (even when they didn’t). Over time, gaslighting can make you question your reality, thus complicating your relationship even further. Unfortunately, when your feelings seem invalid, you may be even more susceptible to emotional abuse.(FN3)

5. They Smear Your Reputation

Smearing can include spreading lies or making false accusations about a person’s behavior. Someone who is hoovering does this as an attempt to gain attention, and get other people to empathize with them. Unfortunately, it can feel like a lose-lose situation. If you ignore these efforts, they may get worse. Likewise, if you engage, the other person will often double down on their attempts.(FN4)

6. They Tell You How Much They Love You

Hoovering often includes extreme proclamations of love. You’re their soulmate! You’re the only one who truly understands them! They can’t imagine being with anybody else! Of course, these love-bombing statements may feel good, but they’re also highly manipulative. If you still haven’t gotten over the other person, they can lure you right back in.(FN5) Hoovering can be subtle. The person may contact you at specific times, like on your birthday or anniversary. They might also be tracking you, which means they can contact you when you get a new job or move. This type of communication may trick you into believing they still really care about you and your well-being.

8. They Talk Through Other People to Get to You

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Some people hoover non-directly. For example, they might go on and on about how much they miss you to a mutual friend, with hopes that this friend relays those feelings to you. Or, they might go on social media talking about how much they messed up or lost their “true love,” anticipating that you’ll see and know it’s about you.

9. They Feign a Crisis

Of all the hoovering tactics, feigning a crisis can be one of the most challenging. Some people will exaggerate or completely make up crises to get attention. These crises can include anything from medical emergencies, to family deaths, to mental health stressors. They’re betting that their situations will pull at your heartstrings and lure you back in.

10. They Pretend Everything is Fine

Pretending nothing has changed is another common hoovering behavior. The person will act as if nothing has happened between you. They might just show up to your house or work like you two are still close. They may still call you their partner despite having broken up. This behavior forces you to call them out and initiate the next discussion.

How to Respond to & Deal With Hoovering

Hoovering can be complicated and painful, so it’s important to take care of yourself. You don’t want to keep falling back into the routine of emotional abuse or emotional manipulation. Maintaining emotional and physical distance is usually the best way to maintain your well-being in these circumstances. Remember that you cut that person off for a specific reason (or set of reasons), and try to remind yourself of this when you feel uncertain about how to respond to hoovering.

Below are some ways to deal with hoovering behaviors:

Identify patterns: Over time, you may start to recognize hoovering patterns. Take note of these as a way to prepare yourself for when a certain behavior may reemerge. Over time, you may start to recognize hoovering patterns. Take note of these as a way to prepare yourself for when a certain behavior may reemerge. Prioritize your mental and emotional self-care : Self-care is an important part of maintaining your self-esteem and well-being. Make sure you routinely engage in activities that help you feel confident, rejuvenated, or rested. Self-care is an important part of maintaining your self-esteem and well-being. Make sure you routinely engage in activities that help you feel confident, rejuvenated, or rested. Block them: As much as possible, try to limit contact. Block them on social media, email, and other online accounts. As much as possible, try to limit contact. Block them on social media, email, and other online accounts. Avoid bad-mouthing: Aim to take the higher road and avoid criticizing a hooverer to other people. This perpetuates conflict, and you never know if someone might repeat what you’ve said to them. Aim to take the higher road and avoid criticizing a hooverer to other people. This perpetuates conflict, and you never know if someone might repeat what you’ve said to them. Respond as neutrally as possible: If you must engage, try to avoid arguing, becoming defensive, or proving your point. Even if it’s tempting, this strategy only perpetuates more toxic communication. If you must engage, try to avoid arguing, becoming defensive, or proving your point. Even if it’s tempting, this strategy only perpetuates more toxic communication. Keep reminding yourself it’s not your fault: Even if the other person continues to blame you for any problems within your relationship, that doesn’t make their reality the truth. Ground yourself with your feelings and experiences to affirm your side of the story.

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Even if the other person continues to blame you for any problems within your relationship, that doesn’t make their reality the truth. Ground yourself with your feelings and experiences to affirm your side of the story. Seek legal action: If you fear for your safety, you may need to set higher protective measures in place. Contact local law enforcement to review your options.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can help people overcome the residual emotional and psychological impacts of hoovering by offering support and practical coping skills for healing. Look for a mental health professional with experience in emotional abuse, breakups, and divorce. Finding a therapist shouldn’t be hard–you can start your search by using an online therapist directory.

Here are some therapy options to consider:

Talk therapy: Talk therapy is a general term for therapy that entails processing emotions, increasing insight, and facilitating important life changes. Talk therapy can help you cope with hoovering and take back control of your life. Talk therapy is a general term for therapy that entails processing emotions, increasing insight, and facilitating important life changes. Talk therapy can help you cope with hoovering and take back control of your life. Online therapy: Online therapy offers a convenient option for talk therapy. It can be beneficial for people with busy schedules, who want greater accessibility to a network of potential providers, or who live in more remote areas. Online therapy offers a convenient option for talk therapy. It can be beneficial for people with busy schedules, who want greater accessibility to a network of potential providers, or who live in more remote areas. Group therapy: There are psychoeducation and support groups that specialize in topics related to domestic violence, emotional abuse, and healing from divorce. These groups offer peer support and can help you feel more empowered in your recovery. There are psychoeducation and support groups that specialize in topics related to domestic violence, emotional abuse, and healing from divorce. These groups offer peer support and can help you feel more empowered in your recovery. Family therapy: Family therapy may be recommended if children are affected by any hoovering. Most therapists advise against including the hoovering person in therapy–it’s better for them to have their own separate, individual treatment.

Final Thoughts

Hoovering can be frustrating and emotionally exhausting. If you’re struggling with this issue, you’re not alone. However, it’s important to prioritize your emotional and mental health needs right now, and therapy can help throughout the healing process. If you feel like you keep getting sucked back into the same cycle, consider reaching out for support today.

choosingtherapy.com - What Is Hoovering? 10 Signs & Why Narcissists Do It

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