Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Cristian Muduc
Dismissive: Being ignored; dismissing behaviors or accomplishments as insignificant. This often leads to dismissing or denying individual feelings and needs. There is a deep feeling of longing for love and attention, yet these individuals begin to believe they are unworthy of attention.
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Read More »Most clients question at some point whether they are in a healthy relationship. Other questions may be “is my partner right for me,” “is our fighting normal,” and “am I really happy?” No human being is perfect. Every couple has conflict and disagreements. However, certain behaviors and traits can create significant pain, hardship, and overall struggles in relationships. The lack of warmth, empathy, and validation can lead to low self-confidence and self-destructive behaviors. Below represents several patterns that are consistent with being in a toxic (e.g., jealous, manipulative, rejection, dominance) relationship. Dismissive: Being ignored; dismissing behaviors or accomplishments as insignificant. This often leads to dismissing or denying individual feelings and needs. There is a deep feeling of longing for love and attention, yet these individuals begin to believe they are unworthy of attention. Unavailable: Withhold and withdraw love and affection. Unavailable can mean physically (e.g., no hugging or comforting) or emotional (e.g., not responding to cries or other forms of affection). As adults, this may lead to individuals being emotionally hungry and clingy in their respective relationships—needing constant reassurance. Controlling: Micromanages plans, dismisses ideas, and may monitor behavior or use tracking devices. This sends the message that a person is inadequate, cannot be trusted to make decisions, and would falter without guidance or direction. Enmeshed: No boundaries in the relationship; co-dependency often develops and other people begin to “feel” each other’s emotions. Combative: Privately or publically, these relationships are filled with criticism, competition, fear, and jealousy. Blame and shame are high as verbal and emotional abuse is often utilized. Self-Involved: Narcissistic partners rarely give empathy and want the outward appearance of perfection. All connection is superficial, and manipulative and controlling behaviors are high. Unreliable: Unpredictable; one day the partner may be “nice or good” and the other day “bad and mean.” One day the partner shows love and the next is dismissive or overly hypercritical. Role Reversed: One partner may become the caretaker, physician, therapist, mother or father, etc. rather than focusing on his/her role as partner. Toxic relationships are often repeated, which is largely an unconscious process. People often choose a partner that fits with his/her individual defenses. For example, if someone is passive or indecisive someone who is dominating or confidence may be attractive—ultimately leading to imbalance in the relationship and creates limitations for self-growth and awareness. If one of these patterns describe you, don’t be afraid to seek out counsel.
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Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements. Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are. Be preoccupied with...
Read More »Narcissists don't take constructive criticism well, Manly says. Try to make comments in careful, positive ways. Stay calm. Try not to react if they try to pick a fight or gaslight you (making you doubt your own reality).
You may wonder if your partner, co-worker, or family member is a narcissist. While many people have what doctors call narcissistic traits, like self-importance and entitlement (thinking they’re owed something), people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder can be a bigger challenge. “Living with a narcissist requires a different or more advanced emotional skill set,” says Kimberly Perlin, a licensed clinical social worker Towson, MD. She specializes in helping women in relationships with narcissists and also treats narcissists. Having a narcissist in your life can be frustrating and emotionally challenging. Your relationship may revolve around them. You may feel judged and exhausted by their demands. When she was a child, Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Santa Rosa, CA, didn’t realize her older sibling was a narcissist. “Growing up with this highly controlling person was extremely challenging,” she says. “It was only in my adult years that I came to realize this sibling was a deeply troubled narcissist.”
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