As you may have guessed, a throuple is a romantic relationship between three people. Not to be mistaken for an open relationship (where people in a relationship have sex with people who are not their partner) or a threesome (sex between three people), a throuple is a balanced, consensual, and committed relationship.
The concept of non-monogamy has been around for ages. But lately, there’s been a rise in the use of the word “throuple” to describe a certain kind of committed relationship structure that calls for more than two people.
As you may have guessed, a throuple is a romantic relationship between three people. Not to be mistaken for an open relationship (where people in a relationship have sex with people who are not their partner) or a threesome (sex between three people), a throuple is a balanced, consensual, and committed relationship. And while the term might be new to you, Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia, insists there’s nothing new or unusual about the concept.
Why? Because "it’s totally possible to be in love with more than one person at one time," she says.
Just a heads up: A “throuple” is usually referred to as a “triad” within the non-monogamy community, says Anna Dow, LMFT at Vast Love, a relationship counseling center for those who are non-monogamous. These relationships “are intentional partnerships of three people,” Dow explains.
“Pop culture depicts them as primarily female-female-male threesomes in an imbalanced way that often fetishizes the relationship structure,” she continues. “In reality, however, throuples are just typical relationships comprised of people of any genders. Like all relationships, each one has its own set of benefits and challenges.”
Thanks to the recent increase in visibility of the entire sexual spectrum, throuples are gaining more recognition but there's still some work to do. Ahead, discover everything you need to know about throuples, whether you just want a better understanding of the nontraditional relationship or are considering starting one yourself.
1. A throuple isn’t the same as an open relationship.
First things first, a little clarification on exactly what a throuple is and is not...
A throuple is:
A balanced, consensual, and committed relationship between three partners
A throuple is NOT:
An opportunity to be in a relationship and have sex with people who are not their partner
A threesome, or merely sex between three people
Thanks to the recent increase in visibility of the entire sexual spectrum (hooray!), the throuple ("three" + "couple") is gaining more and more recognition, as are other forms of polyamory, the umbrella term for relationships involving more than two people.
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2. A throuple doesn't have any “formula,” aside from involving three people.
Throuples can be made up of people of any gender identity and any sexual orientation who choose to be together, Spector says. (Love is love, right?)
That said, Spector says that most of the throuples she's seen involve a married couple or long-term twosome who choose to add a third person—typically a man and woman who then bring in another woman. Some consider themselves straight; others call themselves bisexual.
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She also sees throuples made up of people who don't conform to any gender, folks who consider themselves pansexual, and those who identify as homosexual. But labels aren't important, she notes. (Cosign.)
3. A throuple has legit advantages.
Sometimes a throuple begins as a purely sexual pursuit, to spice up a twosome, and then evolves into its own relationship with mutual feelings among the three parties.
But other times—and often times—people in a relationship who love each other but don’t want to be monogamous choose to add a third person to round out their bond.
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Which has definite benefits, Spector says: When you have a third person involved, chances are you'll expose yourself and your original partner to qualities that both of you may want but can't offer each other.
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A third partner can also serve as a buffer or mediator when scuffles come up between the other two, Spector adds.
All that could make for a much more satisfying relationship. Because just like couples, throuples love each other, elevate each other, argue, have sex, live together, and—yep—may even have children.
4. Throuple-hood could make the relationship a little harder, though.
The dynamics within a throuple can differ drastically from a typical duo. First, there's the jealousy part (more on that in a bit), a potential side effect of a three-way relationship if one person feels like there's an uneven split of attention or commitment.
The best way to avoid this is to have everyone voice their needs and concerns at the start of the relationship—and be honest if and when those needs and concerns change, says Spector.
Second, when it comes to conflict, having a third person in a relationship leaves room for taking sides—an unhealthy tactic that can put the bond on shaky ground, Spector explains. (That can be avoided if each party can master the aforementioned mediator role.)
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A few ways to make sure that happens, from Spector:
Be super specific about your needs.
For example, say: “Since we’re all in a relationship together, while I’m comfortable with you and our partner kissing, I’d prefer if we only had sex as a threesome.”
For example, say: “Since we’re all in a relationship together, while I’m comfortable with you and our partner kissing, I’d prefer if we only had sex as a threesome.” Eliminate secrets.
Open communication is even more important when there are three people involved. So always check in with both partners—and yourself.
Open communication is even more important when there are three people involved. So always check in with both partners—and yourself. Speak up if your feelings change.
Try: “I know you’re happy in our throuple, but this isn’t something I wanted for the long term. I’d rather go back to our relationship being just the two of us. What do you think?”
5. A throuple can be a totally healthy and balanced relationship.
Entering throuple-hood can enrich your romantic life if everyone shares similar interests, values, and ideals, Spector says, but make sure you can handle coupledom before bringing in a third person.
If you feel like you're fully ready and wanting to add a third, Spector suggests letting your current partner know by gauging their interest.
Say something like: "I’d like to invite someone else into our relationship. How would you feel about having X join us and becoming a throuple?”
As long as they're on board—and all three of you are willing to put in the work—go ahead and get that party started.
6. It’s a good idea to figure out what you want in advance.
Again, being in a throuple doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll just date whomever you want, when you want. “Many different relationship structures fall under the umbrella of non-monogamy,” Dow says. “Fostering self-awareness around which structure one desires is an often undervalued non-monogamy skill that can greatly impact the success of people’s relationships.”
Meaning, if you want to have a partner but also be free to see other people, something like an open relationship is probably more that you’re after vs. being committed to two people at once. Still, Dow says, “there’s variation in structures.”
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7. Knowing the boundaries of the throuple is important.
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Speaking of variation, it’s a good idea to have some understanding of what you’re all after here. “It really depends on the triad and how they would like to set up the rules,” says Jennifer Schneider, LICSW, LCSW, a psychotherapist specializing in LGBTQIA+ clients and those who identify as polyamorous or ethically nonmonogamous. “It may be that a throuple sits down with each other and actually spends a few hours hammering out what might be relationship agreements.”
Sometimes throuples will have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy where they don’t want to know what the other members do. “But what is often healthier is making relationship agreements on whether they’re polyfidelitous, meaning this triad is closed, or if the triad is open and there’s communication within all members of the triad.”
Talking it out is important, though, says Shawntres A. Parks, PhD, Women's Health advisory board member, licensed marriage and family therapist and co-founder of Parks & Powers Psychotherapy. “Attractive as it may appear to people who like some form of an open relationship, you want to talk about and discuss the ins and outs of possible scenarios that might come up,” she says. “With more parties is a greater capacity for misunderstanding and miscommunication.
8. Throuples, like couples, can develop organically.
Throuples can form a lot of different ways, but it usually takes a little time before people decide they want to commit to each other. “Similar to most dating relationships, there’s a vetting process,” Parks says. “Before you reach a point where you're making an explicit commitment, you’re talking about things like how emotional and physical needs are being met.”
9. Jealousy can still crop up.
Jealousy “is a very real thing” in both monogamous and ethically non-monogamous relationships, Schneider says.
"It’s a pretty natural human emotion,” she adds. “It absolutely comes up in polyamory all the time.”
She recommends throuples “observe, talk, and manage” the jealousy by being open about it and approaching it as a group. “That’s often what I see works best,” she says.
10. There may be a hierarchy.
Again, every throuple is different. But it’s possible that two people may be seen as having the primary relationship, while the third forms secondary relationships with them, Schneider says. Think: An already-established couple that invited someone in to form a throuple. That doesn’t have to be the case, though. “In a triad, they might all consider their relationships equal and others outside the triad unequal,” Schneider says.
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