What is a toxic breakup?

Intimate relationships can go through ups and downs, but a toxic relationship is one that is consistently draining and distressing. Partners in a toxic relationship do not support each other, often display competitiveness and disrespect, and try to undermine each other.

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11 Tips for Leaving a Toxic Relationship

It can be difficult to know where to start, even when you’re motivated to leave a toxic relationship. It’s important to have a support system and find ways to boost your own self esteem—if you feel stuck, it might be time to talk to a therapist for more support.

Here are 11 tips for how to leave a toxic relationship:

1. Build a Support System

The feelings you experience after a toxic breakup are similar to going through a breakup in a healthy relationship. You will feel sad, conflicted, lovesick, relieved, depressed, and more. Leaving a toxic relationship is even more challenging if you have been financially dependent on your ex—but don’t despair. Rather than focusing on why this will be hard, focus on building the support system you will need when you decide to leave. Research shows that family and friend support during difficult times decreases psychological distress.1 Having a support system to lean on will make the transition easier for you.

2. Stay Firm With Your Decision to Leave

It’s called a breakup because it’s broken. If you’re at the point of ending the relationship, you have probably made attempts to get your partner to change their ways without success. If this is the case, you will need to remind yourself often that it is not your fault. Even if an abusive or toxic ex changes their ways, it is likely due to the shock of the breakup. If you get back together, their chances of returning to their toxic behaviors is very high. Following through on leaving a toxic relationship will require being firm in your decision. It will be crucial for you to cut off contact with your ex once the relationship has ended. Keeping in contact with your ex opens the door to getting back together. Toxic people can be emotionally manipulative and may use emotional blackmail to lure you back in. When you decide to leave your partner, end any form of communication with them unless you share children and need to co-parent. If this is the case, only communicate about the children.

4. Unfollow Them on Social Media

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Seeing your ex across social media will keep the memory of the relationship fresh, so it’s crucial that you block them on your phone and find ways to avoid running into them in person. These actions will set a clear boundary that the toxic relationship is over, and help you stop thinking about them altogether.

5. Know That You Deserve Better

Months or years of being verbally abused or told you will never find anyone better can wear a person down, and you might start to believe it. But this is not true. Tearing down self-esteem and self-worth is the technique toxic partners use to keep their partner trapped in the relationship. Let “I deserve better!” become your daily mantra, by replacing negative beliefs about your self-worth with positive, affirming ones. You need to move forward for your own mental and emotional well-being.

6. Seek Professional Help From a Therapist

Depending on the level of seriousness, leaving a toxic relationship can require help in creating a game plan. Confiding in friends and family or finding a therapist to speak with can be helpful as well. A good therapist can help you cope, rebuild your sense of self-worth, and address any safety issues. A therapist can be an unbiased resource to guide you and hold you accountable for creating goals and sticking to them.

7. Keep a Journal of Your Emotions

Writing about your feelings and emotions might be the last thing you feel like doing. You might feel too tense to focus and worried that writing it down might make you feel worse. Expressive writing might make you feel more anxious, scared, or upset, but fast-forward a few weeks and research shows you will probably notice both mental and physical benefits, including:1

Fewer visits to the doctor

Improved immune system

Improved mood

Better sense of well-being

Lower blood pressure

8. Make a Detailed Plan

If you’ve decided to leave a toxic relationship, make a plan for how you will deal with the transition. If you don’t currently have a career, you might consider going to school, getting new training, or beginning a job. Financial independence is crucial to your freedom. Also, make clear plans regarding where you will move, which possession you will take with you, etc.

9. Surround Yourself With Positivity

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Practice self-care by surrounding yourself with positivity; spend time with people who make you feel good, treat yourself to your favorite meal, engage with your faith community, exercise, and do things that make you smile. People in toxic relationships need healing, a process that takes time. Being in a toxic relationship can cause incalculable, toxic stress, so it is essential to try to replace negative emotions with positive ones.

10. Express Your Feelings

It is important to express your feelings to your partner when you have decided to leave. If your partner is emotionally mature, an in-person conversation is best; however if they are short-tempered or emotional, writing out your feelings may be best. It is important to express how your partner makes you feel without directing blame. Avoid phrases like, “You make me feel…” and instead express your feelings by saying something like, “I feel very sad or angry when I hear you say…” You can’t control how the other person responds, but you can control how you express your feelings (in a neutral way). Regardless of their response, expressing your feelings is an essential step to leaving the relationship.

11. Stick With Your Decision

After leaving a toxic relationship, it is normal to miss the person, remembering only the good times and forgetting the toxic parts. It can be tempting to want the person back in your life, but keep in mind that you came to the decision to leave after a long, thoughtful process and for concrete reasons. Reach out to your support system, because they will keep you accountable to your decision. Also, review the reasons that led you to leave the toxic relationship. Stay strong and stick to your decision.

choosingtherapy.com - How to Leave a Toxic Relationship - Choosing Therapy

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