What is a relationship paradox?

The paradox put simply, is that one relationship is meant to deliver two, quite opposite needs. Firstly there is a need for security, stability, familiarity and a feeling of home; then, secondly, a need for excitement, passion, romance and eroticism.

counselling-directory.org.uk - The paradox of marriage - Counselling Directory

Do exes who lost feelings come back?

Dozens of examples show it's definitely possible to get an ex back who lost feelings for you. But it's also unpredictable. If you have a very...

Last updated Dec 29, 2020

When a man is silent What does it mean?

Many guys hate failing and feeling inadequate. They often don't have the speed of words to compete with their partner in a conflict. Men's...

Last updated Oct 12, 2018

Promotion

Relationship problems

Long-term relationships are built on a paradox - not one we often talk about or warn our teenagers about, but we should. The paradox put simply, is that one relationship is meant to deliver two, quite opposite needs. Firstly there is a need for security, stability, familiarity and a feeling of home; then, secondly, a need for excitement, passion, romance and eroticism. These needs pull us in diametrically opposite directions: one tends to peace, safety and a long breath out; the other to surprise, curiosity and a sharp breath in. Is it possible that one relationship can satisfy two such different desires? Well, experience tells us that, at best, it is difficult. If you have friends you can ask - and most of us don’t really like talking about it except in a jokey way - you’d probably find that almost everyone you know who is in a long-term relationship finds themselves in the same boat. And usually, it is the passion side of things that gets sacrificed for the security. Does passion become less important over the years? Well, perhaps - though I think for most of us, we decide to accept the compromise because our need for ‘home’ is so strong. We develop various ways of talking about eroticism that put it in the past (how things were different ‘when we first met’ or ‘in my wild youth’) and we live with that side of ourselves partly switched off. And we go on having sex if we are lucky - though not with a great deal of excitement or anticipation. In fact, at times, we have ‘tick-box’ sex (we really should have sex, it’s been three months!’). Or, we contrive to keep the sex issue at bay by having different bedtimes, or by constant low-level bickering.

Is it just boredom that takes its toll?

It is certainly true that domestic life seems to squeeze out eroticism quite successfully: it is difficult to feel desire for your partner on the supermarket and school run. How can you desire the person that is your best friend, business partner (if you own property or share finances), co-parent and joint world-builder of the huge architecture of things we do, friends we share, and a life we lead? How can that person be hot? Can you desire that which you already have?

There are other issues at play here, too, besides familiarity. Firstly, perhaps we deliberately (though unconsciously) de-sexualise our long-term relationships. The reason for this may be that eroticism is by its nature promiscuous - it finds excitement in all sorts of things that don’t sit easily with our monogamous relationship and promises of fidelity. (For example, the majority of people have sexual fantasies, but few people fantasise about their partners). And in looking to invest our security in our partner, we are recreating a really primal form of a relationship first found (or yearned for) in our family of origin. To some extent, then, our partner is a parental figure for us. We talk about ‘our rock’. It is difficult - if not somewhat Oedipal - to fancy a ‘rock’!

What percent of dumpers come back?

If you average all the reputable research on the ex recovery process and chances of getting your ex back, there's about a 43.5% chance your ex will...

Last updated Nov 26, 2020

What's the hardest month in a relationship?

What month is the hardest in a relationship? The one and two month milestone are seemingly the hardest. There might be times you say to yourself,...

Last updated Feb 24, 2019

Promotion

One might wonder why we bother with long-term relationships if they are so bad at preserving erotic feelings? Perhaps this reveals the truth that we want long-term relationships to feel a sense of ourselves. Before birth we were connected to our mother; in our early years we are completely dependant on our caregivers; and even as we grow and enter adult life, our lives are inevitably part of networks. Arguably our individual identity emerges after our social being. Throughout life we depend on others to maintain a sense of self - others are mirrors for us. So we all seem to want long-term relationships. Yet we don’t really discuss what this means for our equally significant erotic-self. And so people drift into - more or less contentedly, or resentfully - a partial celibacy, or somewhat joyless sexual connection. If you have ever wondered why affairs are so common (some estimates put the figure as high as 80% for long-term relationships) it must be because, at times, we rediscover this lost sense of self. it is not so much about sex but more to do with a playful, romantic sense of ourselves that everyday life has somehow squeezed out, fuelled with feelings of youth and exuberance. If your relationship has reached the point where the passion has gone missing, or that playful sense of yourself feels a long time ago, perhaps now is the time to take stock. Try talking to your partner and ask them if they feel the same way (chances are, they do). And if it feels like solutions are hard to find, or a way forward difficult to believe in, then consider meeting with a specialist relationship counsellor. 80% of couples that do meet with a relationship therapist report it significantly improves their relationship. Desire can come back, despite the paradox of marriage!

counselling-directory.org.uk - The paradox of marriage - Counselling Directory

How do you know if a guy is genuine in a relationship?

Observe His Treatment Of Others. A genuinely good guy is good to everyone, not just the person he is dating. He doesn't really expect anything in...

Last updated Aug 10, 2021

What do toxic boyfriends do?

Toxic relationships are characterized by a lack of trust, controlling behaviors, and frequent lying. Often one partner is prioritized instead of...

Last updated Oct 14, 2022

Promotion

What do bf and gf do together?

What are some inexpensive fun things to do as a couple? Spending time together doesn't have to cost a lot. Look for free activities that are...

Last updated Oct 26, 2021

Promotion

What words not to say to a narcissist?

8 Things You Should Never Say to a Narcissist Don't say, "It's not about you." ... Don't say, "You're not listening." ... Don't say, "Ina Garten...

Last updated Nov 19, 2019