Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Chokniti Khongchum
"A 'loyalty check' is a manipulative act that a person does to see if their partner is being loyal, mainly to see if they are open to infidelity or cheating," says Lee Phillips, LCSW, EdD, psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist.
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Read More »E ven in the most loyal, healthy relationships, ven in the most loyal, healthy relationships, trust issues can crop up . We all have our own personal histories to contend with, and things like our attachment style can determine how comfortable we feel placing our heart in the hands of another. But (and this is a big "but"), a widespread TikTok trend known as a " loyalty check " is so not the answer for making sure your person is truly dedicated to you. "A 'loyalty check' is a manipulative act that a person does to see if their partner is being loyal, mainly to see if they are open to infidelity or cheating," says Lee Phillips, LCSW, EdD, psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist. A common example that's circulating on TikTok involves one TikToker asking another to turn the concept into a verb and actively "loyalty check" their partner. This looks like sliding into their DMs, flirting with them, and seeing what happens next. The goal here is, of course, to confirm that the partner is, in fact, loyal and promptly shuts down the advancement. Alternatively, if the partner continues the conversation and maybe even proposes IRL plans, the takeaway might be that they lack the amount of dedication to the relationship that the loyalty-checking partner expects them to demonstrate. While this practice may be having a moment on TikTok, Dr. Phillips says loyalty checks aren't unique to the platform—and they often don't end well. "There are times where a loyalty check does not work, and this creates conflict in the relationship," he says. "I have also seen relationships end due to a loyalty check." "A 'loyalty check' is a manipulative act that a person does to see if their partner is being loyal, mainly to see if they are open to infidelity or cheating." —Lee Phillips, LCSW So, if you're tempted to set up a loyalty-testing booby trap for your partner, consider where that urge is originating and what it actually reveals about your relationship dynamic. That way, you can honor your feelings without participating in a ritual that, per Dr. Phillips, will only lead to toxicity in your relationship. Below, he further explains why you may be craving a loyalty check, and what to do instead.
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Read More »What to do instead of a loyalty check if you're feeling insecure in your relationship Instead of going behind your partner's back to test the durability of your relationship, Dr. Phillips recommends openly discussing your feelings. "I would recommend the person be honest with their partner about their insecurities and why they are struggling with trust," he says. "I would also talk to them about the consequences of pursuing the loyalty check with the possibility of their partner getting angry or wanting to leave. They may also feel pain and hurt if the loyalty check does not work." If you have access to therapy, that's also a really great environment for discussing why you're feeling the way you're feeling before opening up to your partner. Chances are, there are unique and intricate reasons why you're suddenly feeling the need to beta test your relationship. So take the time to learn about them before blowing up something good. The caveat? If you're desiring a loyalty check because you're in an abusive relationship, then do what you need to do to safely exit your current situation. No valiant act of loyalty is a substitute for your health and well-being. If you or someone you love is in an abusive partnership, they can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-787-3244 for help.
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