What is a dark empath?

Some people, known as dark empaths, understand the feelings of others but don't feel these feelings themselves. They might act like they care, but deep down, they don't feel sympathy for you or have a desire to help. They use their understanding of your feelings to manipulate you.

menshealth.com - A 'Dark Empath' Is Hard to Spot, But Dangerous, Therapists Say

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EMPATHY—THE ABILITY to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and understand and share their emotions—is a great quality to have. A truly empathetic person is a good listener, offers useful advice, and seems to be perceptive enough to notice when something is bothering you. But empathy can have a dark side . Some people, known as dark empaths, understand the feelings of others but don’t feel these feelings themselves. They might act like they care, but deep down, they don’t feel sympathy for you or have a desire to help. They use their understanding of your feelings to manipulate you. “Dark empaths are usually very skilled at showing their care and concern for others, but this is typically done with ulterior motives and is usually rooted in manipulation,” says Darren Moore, Ph.D., LMFT, owner of the counseling and consulting practice I AM MOORE .

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The term “dark empath” is relatively new. It’s used to describe someone with dark traits similar to a narcissist , which refers to people with a grandiose sense of self who often dismisses others’ feelings. The difference, Moore says, is that “dark empaths have the capacity to understand the emotions of others.” Dark empaths can be especially dangerous because they’re hard to spot, experts say. That’s because they tend to use manipulation, bullying, sarcasm, guilt, and gaslighting . “Dark empaths can be incredibly charming and easy to fall in love with,” says Phoenix Adams, DSW, LCSW, executive vice president of Florida programming for Caron Treatment Centers . “It can be very hard to notice these behaviors, especially if we’re being gaslit or have weak boundaries.”

What is a dark empath?

Dark empathy isn’t an official diagnosable condition. Instead, it’s considered a sign of a personality disorder. People considered dark empaths display all three signs of the “ dark triad ” collection of personality traits: Narcissism , when someone has an inflated sense of self, craves attention and admiration, and feels superior to others. , when someone has an inflated sense of self, craves attention and admiration, and feels superior to others. Psychopathy , an antisocial disorder where someone lacks empathy, remorse, and the ability to control their behaviors. They may be manipulative and commit crimes. , an antisocial disorder where someone lacks empathy, remorse, and the ability to control their behaviors. They may be manipulative and commit crimes. Machiavellianism, which describes someone who’s vindictive, abusive, cynical, prone to lying, and lacks empathy.

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“A dark empath is a person who basically has the cognitive knowledge of empathy—they know how to relate to somebody, they know how to understand if someone's going through something or is feeling something—but they don't know how to follow through with any actions,” says Alyza Berman, LCSW, founder and clinical director at The Berman Center . Research published in 2021 in the journal Personality and Individual Differences suggests that dark empaths can be aggressive, extroverted, and agreeable, and exhibit dark triad traits at varying degrees. Dark empaths don’t necessarily lack empathy, however. They just have a “calculated way of experiencing empathy, which is expressed in a cognitive way versus an emotional way,” Adams says. They might use it to manipulate, gaslight, or bully others, instead of genuinely caring for or helping someone.

Signs someone you know is a dark empath

A dark empath is a dichotomy, Adams says. On one hand, they can be kind and supportive, and on the other, they can be callous. “They won’t reveal their true intentions,” he says. “Dark empaths are known for motivating people to reach a goal, as long as that goal is self-serving as well.”

Here are some signs you might be dealing with a dark empath:

They act like Prince Charming in front of others, but are cold, disconnected, and belittling behind closed doors. They make jokes at the expense of others, and are prone to sarcasm.

They’re malicious and put people in embarrassing or compromising positions.

They appear kind, but are also direct, bullying, and mean if you cross or disagree with them.

They make every problem your fault.

They use their charms to exploit and manipulate.

They’re proud and have a low tolerance for rejection and criticism.

They get upset when others experience something positive and downplay others’ achievements.

They love to gossip.

They guilt trip or bully you to get what they want.

These traits might remind you of someone you know, but Adams cautions about labeling someone as a dark empath, which he says can be stigmatizing. Only a mental health professional can diagnose the symptoms of a personality disorder.

How dealing with a dark empath can affect you?

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“Dark empaths are really talented at manipulating and gaslighting,” Berman says. “They’ll say the right things, but their actions are doing something totally different. It makes you feel like you’re losing your mind.” Dealing with a dark empath can take a toll. You may experience anxiety, self-doubt, insecurity, diminished confidence and self-esteem, confusion, guilt, and even trauma, Berman says. Relationships with a dark empath will likely involve lots of manipulation. “Their partner tries to strategically play on their emotions and use them to their advantage,” Moore says. “This could contribute to major power differences within relationships, and it could be difficult to escape from if the partner is not aware this is happening.” Noticing the behaviors of a dark empath can be tough, since gaslighting and manipulation are common, Adams says. “Dealing with dark empath may result in someone blaming themselves for being vulnerable to the bad behaviors including exploitation and manipulation.” Someone consistently dealing with a dark empath may use maladaptive coping strategies, like alcohol, drugs, overeating, overspending, or acting out sexually, to deal with the pain of being in the relationship, he says.

What to do if you know a dark empath?

They might be more likely to seek treatment for other problems, such as depression, substance abuse, addiction, or relationship issues. “However, they may appear to seek help, if there’s something they feel they can gain from it, such as manipulating others or obtaining buy-in from an expert,” Moore explains. Talking to a mental health professional can help you set healthy boundaries and cope with the effects of relationships with dark empaths, he says. Sometimes, ending the relationship is the best approach, Berman says. If it’s a family member who you can’t separate from, “The best thing you can do is continuously set boundaries, even if you feel like you’re being manipulated.”

menshealth.com - A 'Dark Empath' Is Hard to Spot, But Dangerous, Therapists Say

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