Infatuation Rules
Infatuation Rules
Photo: cottonbro studio
Many couples therapies fail because the partners continue to experience each other as adversaries. Consequently, they remain locked in bitter struggles for dominance and persistently discredit each other's point of view and emotional reactions.
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Read More »The experiences of rejection, disappointment, and hurt are often at the foundation of most couples’ problems, yet over time emotional pain tends to be covered over by frustration, anger, and resentment. If couples therapy fails to dig below the surface level of anger and reach these underlying regions of emotional experience, little can be achieved. The couples therapy sessions become nothing more than a scheduled time and place for the couple to fight, and the couples therapist fails to redirect the partners. An unfortunate pattern frequently occurs in couples therapy in which each session begins with a description of the most significant issue or fight that has occurred since the last session; each partner provides his or her view of what happened, often in disagreement with the other partner’s portrayal, and a heated argument ensues in the session — relegating the couples therapist to the role of referee. Even more problematic is the therapist’s hesitation or inability to de-escalate the partners’ intense conflict and reactivity in the sessions and failure to bring the couple back to a more calm and productive dialogue. Once this pattern is established, the couple understandably becomes demoralized and resistant to scheduling additional sessions because the partners feel, understandably so, that they are simply getting nowhere, just digging themselves into a deeper hole. The partners do not see themselves as allies for each other, only enemies. While partners have been hurt, angered, or disappointed by each other, often significantly so, something must occur in couples therapy that expands each partner’s view of the other to that of a benign source of goodwill and support who is committed to making the relationship better. If each partner is able to see the other as an ally, together they will be able to tolerate the difficult work of couples therapy and approach it collaboratively. Many couples therapies fail because the partners continue to experience each other as adversaries. Consequently, they remain locked in bitter struggles for dominance and persistently discredit each other’s point of view and emotional reactions. The couples therapy gets bogged down by abstract ideas and psychological jargon; whatever insights are achieved do not translate into pragmatic changes in the relationship. Couples want real-time positive change that improves the quality of their relationship and of their lives. Most couples I have worked with appreciate gaining an understanding of what went wrong in their relationship and how it went wrong, but what they want most is guidance on what to do about it. Linking new insights gained in the sessions to well-defined adjustments made outside of the sessions, and insuring that these new adjustments actually work and can be maintained long after couples therapy has ended, is a crucial determinant of the ultimate success of treatment.
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Read More »While the issues outlined above can certainly hinder or entirely block the potential of couples therapy, all hope should not be abandoned. Clearly, couples therapy requires a well-trained and experienced clinician who can avoid these common pitfalls and, more broadly, simultaneously assess, understand, and intervene upon several interlocking elements of the couple in distress. These include each partner’s relational history and psychological make-up, as well as the nature of the dynamics between them that they have mutually constructed. Moreover, the skilled couples therapist provides a clear treatment plan, a roadmap for the couple to see and track their progress toward their goals. And progress, or the lack thereof, is regularly assessed and discussed, so that unhelpful couples therapy sessions do not continue endlessly, which can only demoralize and frustrate the couple. Additionally, it seems that couples need, and benefit from, the direct and spirited contribution of their couples therapist. Research of couples therapy shows that traditional notions of the therapist’s need to maintain a neutral stance and avoid candidly observing and commenting on his/her subject experience of the couple have actually not led to successful couples therapy outcomes. In my practice, I have learned that couples want to know what I think about what’s going on and appreciate my direct, albeit respectful, feedback regarding who is responsible for what issue and how the dynamics between them are getting in the way of their relational goals. The partners of a couple need to learn what they are not doing well in the relationship, as they often do not see it. And they are helped by honest and direct feedback that identifies and facilitates the development of alternative, and more beneficial, attitudes and behaviors. James Tobin, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist based in Newport Beach, CA. His psychotherapy practice consists of individual, couple, and family therapy, with an emphasis on interpersonal patterns and relational dynamics that obstruct one’s access to truth, fulfillment and intimacy. The executive coaching component of Dr. Tobin’s practice focuses on helping executives and teams identify and navigate psychological dynamics in the workplace.
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