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What girls think after breakup?

We're complete emotional wrecks. But it's OK, because that's exactly how we want to be. We're feeling the breakup. The anger, the frustration, the jealousy, the sadness, the loneliness, the fear — we're letting it all simmer together, right at the surface if not already boiling over into one steaming hot mess.

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What She's Thinking After Your Breakup

The Seven Phases She's Going Through Immediately After Your Breakup, Revealed

Breakups are never easy. For anyone.

At best, they're incredibly emotional, semi-awkward splits between “best friends,” and at worst, they can feel like the beginnings of World War Three. But after that, after all the tears and the screams and the splitting up of all the stuff, that's when the real sh*t goes down. And much like we do in just about everything else in life, women often handle this part in totally opposite ways, too. And yet, how your ex is doing is a mystery; a process to which you have no access to once ties are cut. Which often leads people to freak the hell out. So to save you the trouble — and because hopefully by shedding light on things you’ll come to understand the toll that this takes on us and think twice about the way you go about it the next time around — I’m going to let you in on the breakup process. Because she's definitely thinking something about you — it’s just not what you think.

Phase 1: Depression

This is pretty much the saddest state of existence you’ll ever find a woman in. We’re complete emotional wrecks. But it’s OK, because that's exactly how we want to be. We’re feeling the breakup. The anger, the frustration, the jealousy, the sadness, the loneliness, the fear — we’re letting it all simmer together, right at the surface if not already boiling over into one steaming hot mess. This is a time where we don’t really have a grasp on any of our thoughts or emotions and we’re not really trying to have one, either. Where literally everything and anything reminds us of you. It doesn’t really matter what it is, or if makes any sense at all; we’re allowing ourselves to be totally susceptible — to everything. In fact, there are only two rules: 1) let it out, and 2) do not, under any circumstances, see him.

Where she stands on you:

She misses you, is driving herself nuts wondering what (or rather who) you’re up to (yes, we know how you guys do) and she might just be ready to drop everything in a heartbeat if means getting back together. If you’re a dick you’ll take advantage of this and pull her back in, and it will be all too easy, and everything might be normal and “happy” again for two weeks until your next fight and then you're back to this all over again. (Yeah, this is where that starts.) But if you ever really cared for her at all, you’ll give her the space she needs to get through this. You might get a few (read: 1 million) texts and several incredibly long, incredibly desperate-sounding emails, but leave it be. Her friends will be there for her, I promise. Let her go through the motions.

Phase 2: Numbness

This is the actual sad part. (And this time I actually mean heartbreaking.) It’s the part where she doesn’t have any more tears to cry, or anger to feel, or energy to eat or care about anything in general. Where things like getting fresh air and taking a shower are literally written down on a ‘to do’ list and are considered accomplishments for the day. Not much goes on in this period except for a ton of thinking, and it can last anywhere from a good few days up to several weeks. It really comes down to the type of person she is, and the kind of self-talk she’s capable of. Because there is an unnatural amount of self-doubt going on in her head, and it doesn’t matter what was said or how it was done, or if it really was you and not her. At this point, as far as she's concerned, this is about her not being or doing enough. As a person. And she’s analyzing every minute of everyday you spent together trying to figure out where she failed.

Where she stands on you:

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She’s still missing you, desperately. The comfort, the routine, her best friend. The only difference now is that she’s cut out the chatter and the soundboards. She’s not looking from any more opinions, she's just thinking. A lot. Like all day, every day. And despite trying to understand what all went wrong, she’s also just taking note of all that went wrong. She’s feeling less, and listening more. She’s sorting it out for herself. Oh, and her family officially hates you by the way. And that is something you will probably never make up again, regardless of how this turns out.

Phase 3: Justification

This is phase is usually the first sign of light after a very dark, very long and winding tunnel. And really, it can only happen once she’s had to go through literally every emotion and memory she has. She’s starting to understand why things turned out the way they did. And she’s starting to get that, after plenty of review, any problems you guys had were in fact both of your faults, and also that you are an idiot. For not fighting for her, sure, but mostly for not realizing what you just let go. That part is going to mess you up when it hits. (And we both know it's going to hit). And also, it’s now been weeks and you haven’t even checked in once, so really, how much could you have loved her anyway? Clearly, this was for the better. And truthfully, there is a part of her that that knew you weren't the one. Yes, maybe you talked about where you’d honeymoon, and what you’d call your babies, but deep down, there was a reason she never canceled her birth control prescription.

Where she stands on you:

At this point, you can bet that she’s pretty comfortable in your separation. In fact, she’s actually even starting to enjoy her newfound space; doing what she wants when she wants it, how she wants to, pants on or off. Her feelings of you now are very much buried. She’s probably cut you off completely, and removed anyone and anything associated with you from her life as well. For now anyway. She needs to focus on her and get back to her amazing, independent, pre-you self; because you have to get rid of the bad stuff in order to make room for the good stuff.

Phase 4: Rebounding

I mean, this part is pretty straightforward, I think. She’s been inside sulking for an unhealthy amount of time of time, and there's no sign of you coming back, so might as well move on with it and get back on the horse, so to speak. You made your choice and it wasn’t her, and that means that there is, obviously, someone better out there, wondering where the hell she is already. And by God, she’s going to find him, and have some fun doing it.

Where she stands on you:

...What was your name again?

Phase 5: Self-Work

By now she’s got her mojo back and is, at the very least aware that she’s still got ‘it’, and at the very most high-fiving her vagina for showing her that life is indeed worth living. The rebounding is bringing back her confidence on all the outside stuff, and some good old fashioned self healing is doing it for the inside. She's now going to the gym a minimum of three times a week. Partly because if she ever does have the pleasure ignoring you in person at some point in the near future she’s going to make sure you you notice it, and partly because screw you. Wiser, stronger, tighter; that's the mission. And, while it may be the case that all her crap with you brought this on, none of this is because of you, or even in spite of you; this is 100% for her. Getting healthy; both mentally and physically stronger than she was before is her new power. The growth she needs to protect herself. From rejection, from falling for the wrong guy, and from ever getting that low again. Also, it feels really good to imagine your face meeting her glove when she’s having a go at that punching bag.

Where she stands on you:

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Funny enough, while it sounds like there may be a lot of anger at the root of this phase, the truth is that she’s probably seeing all this, and you, as something more like a blessing. She may be a little annoyed at the time that was wasted or how things were handled, but the humility and self-awareness that is coming from all this really only allows for appreciation and thanks. So you’re off the hook. (Kind of.)

Phase 6: The Relapse

The relapse is inevitable. It could be six months after the breakup or it could be six years; either way, it's not necessarily because she misses you. No, it's usually more to do with the fact that modern dating is so damn hard, and seems to get harder the older you get. Especially after you’ve been let down by love. Especially when you’re hyper-aware and protective of your time and energy and hold your independence in high esteem. The truth is, after what she went through over you, the next (serious) guy is, for better or worse, going to have be willing to jump through some serious hoops. And that's hard to find. So yeah, she’s going to think of you, naturally. She’s going to compare every guy to you and what you said and did and how well you did it. She’s going to miss not having to try because you already did all that. The harder it is for her in the dating game, the more you’ll be on her mind.

Where she stands on you:

While you are on her mind a lot while she’s out there dating, it’s more as a point of reference. You see, she’s not really missing you the person, so much as she’s missing you the boyfriend, and all the goodness that comes with that. The friendship, the inside jokes, the comfort, and the familiarity. That's what she’s longing for, and might sometimes be confusing for love. That's not to say that it never actually is love — and considering we do move in opposite directions, this may be your last chance if you’re hoping to rekindle — but usually, something inside us wakes up and snaps us out of it first.

Phase 7: Just Plain Over It

Finally ready to move on, this is the last stop on her way to singlehood bliss. After all the crying and sexing and healing and then crying again, she’s basically sick and tired of being sick and tired over you. And that's what turns the page in the end; not wise words, not anger, not dates — emotional exhaustion. It may hit each of us in different ways and at different points in our lives, but it does eventually hit us all, and when it does — it’s final. No more second chances, no more what-ifs and what-could-bes; just getting the hell on with it and letting life take the lead. Whether it's been because of you, or after you, or in spite of you, the fact is at some point she got tired of hearing herself relate everything back to you, and decided to let go. Of all of it.

Where she stands on you:

If you’re one of those guys who thinks you can dump a girl into changing and plays that insanely slow long game to win her back all along, joke's on you, because this ship has already sailed. To put it frankly, you’ve taken up too much of her damn time, and she is painfully aware of it. And while she may have loved you once, and cried over you a thousand times, at this point you’re really just a good lesson and a memory in her mind.

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