“The thing that drives a narcissist crazy is the lack of control and the lack of a fight. The less you fight back, the less power you can give them over you, the better,” she says. And because they never think they're wrong, they rarely apologize.
Individuals who have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) believe they are superior and unique compared to others. Signs you could be dating an individual with NPD include the fact that they have very few or no friends, lack empathy, and often gaslight you.
1. They were charming at first People who have NPD gravitate toward grandiosity and fantasy. Your relationship might have felt like a fairytale at first — maybe they complimented you constantly or told you they loved you within the first month. Maybe they tell you how smart you are or emphasize how compatible you are, even if you just started seeing each other. “Narcissists think that they deserve to be with other people who are special, and that special people are the only ones who can appreciate them fully,” says Nedra Glover Tawwab, LCSW, the founder of Kaleidoscope Counseling in Charlotte, North Carolina. Weiler’s advice: If someone came on too strong at the beginning, be wary. Sure, we all love to feel lusted for. But real love has to be nurtured and grown. “If you think it’s too early for them to really love you, it probably is. Or if you feel like they don’t know enough about you to actually love you, they probably don’t,” Weiler says. People with NPD will try to manufacture superficial connections early on in a relationship.
2. They hog the conversation, talking about how great they are People with NPD have an inflated sense of self-importance and are prone to exaggerating achievements and expecting to be recognized as superior. “Narcissists love to constantly talk about their own accomplishments and achievements with grandiose,” says psychotherapist Jacklyn Krol, LCSW, of Mind Rejuvenation Therapy. “They do this because they feel better and smarter than everyone else, and also because it helps them create an appearance of being self-assured.” Clinical psychologist Dr. Angela Grace, PhD, MEd, BFA, BEd, adds that narcissists will often exaggerate their accomplishments and embellish their talents in these stories in order to gain adoration from others. They’re also too busy talking about themselves to listen to you. The warning is two-part here, says Grace. First, your partner won’t stop talking about themselves, and second, your partner won’t engage in conversation about you. Consider these questions: What happens when you do talk about yourself? Do they ask follow-up questions and express interest to learn more about you? Or do they make it about them?
3. They feed off your compliments Narcissists may seem like they’re super self-confident. But according to Tawwab, most people with NPD actually lack self-esteem and require excessive attention and admiration. “They need a lot of praise, and if you’re not giving it to them, they’ll fish for it,” she says. That’s why they’re constantly looking at you to tell them how great they are. “Narcissists use other people — people who are typically highly empathic — to supply their sense of self-worth and make them feel powerful. But because of their low self-esteem, their egos can be slighted very easily, which increases their need for compliments,” adds Shirin Peykar, LMFT. “The main difference between folks who are confident and those with NPD is that narcissists need others to lift them up, and lift themselves up only by putting others down. Two things people with high self-confidence do not do,” Peykar says. As Weiler explains it, “Narcissists punish everyone around them for their lack of self-confidence.”
4. They lack empathy Lack of empathy, or the ability to feel how another person is feeling, is one of the hallmark characteristics of a narcissist, Walfish says. People who have NPD are often unable to apologize and understand the feelings and perspectives of others. “Narcissists lack the skill to make you feel seen, validating, understood, or accepted, because they don’t grasp the concept of feelings,” she says. Does your partner care when you’ve had a bad day at work, fight with your best friend, or scuffle with your parents? Or do they get bored when you express the things making you mad and sad? Walfish says this inability to empathize, or even sympathize, is often the reason why many, if not all, relationships of people with NPD eventually collapse, whether they’re romantic or not.
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5. They don’t have any (or many) long-term friends It’s common for people with NPD to have frequent conflicts with others. Dig deeper into their connections and you may notice they have few close friends. On top of this, people with NPD can be hypersensitive and insecure. As a result, they might lash out when you want to hang out with other people. They might claim that you don’t spend enough time with them, make you feel guilty for spending time with your friends, or berate you for the types of friends you have. Questions to ask yourself “How does my partner treat someone they don’t want anything from?”
“Does my partner have any long-term friends?”
“Do they have or talk about wanting a nemesis?”
6. They pick on you constantly Maybe, at first, it felt like teasing, but then it became mean. Suddenly, everything you do, from what you wear and eat to who you hang out with and what you watch on TV, is a problem for them. Antagonism and hostility are well-documented traits in people who have NPD, and their toll on other people is large. “They’ll put you down, call you names, hit you with hurtful one-liners, and make jokes that aren’t quite funny,” Peykar says. “Their goal is to lower others’ self-esteem so that they can increase their own because it makes them feel powerful.” What’s more, reacting to what they say may only reinforce their behavior. “A narcissist loves a reaction,” Peykar says. That’s because it shows them they have the power to affect another’s emotional state. A warning sign: If they knock you down with insults when you do something worth celebrating, get yourself out of there. “A narcissist might say ‘You were able to do that because I didn’t sleep well’ or some excuse to make it seem like you have an advantage that they didn’t have,” Tawwab says. They want you to know that you’re not better than them. Because, to them, nobody is.
7. They gaslight you Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse, and it’s a hallmark of narcissism. People with NPD may tell blatant lies, falsely accuse others, spin the truth, and ultimately distort your reality — especially in response to perceived challenges of authority or fear of abandonment. Signs of gaslighting include the following: You no longer feel like the person you used to be.
You feel more anxious and less confident than you used to be.
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You always think it’s your fault when things go wrong.
You’re apologizing often.
You have a sense that something’s wrong, but aren’t able to identify what it is.
You often question whether your response to your partner is appropriate.
You make excuses for your partner’s behavior. “They do this to cause others to doubt themselves as a way to gain superiority. Narcissists thrive off of being worshipped, so they use manipulation tactics to get you to do just that,” Peykar says.
8. They think they’re right about everything, and never apologize People with NPD are often described as being arrogant and having haughty behaviors or attitudes. That’s why fighting with a narcissist may feel impossible. “There is no debating or compromising with a narcissist, because they are always right,” Tawwab says. “They won’t necessarily see a disagreement as a disagreement. They’ll just see it as them teaching you some truth.” According to Peykar, you may be dating a narcissist if you feel like your partner: doesn’t hear you
won’t understand you
doesn’t take responsibility for their part in an issue
doesn’t ever try to compromise While ending the relationship is the best game plan with someone who has NPD, Weiler advises avoiding negotiation and arguments. “The thing that drives a narcissist crazy is the lack of control and the lack of a fight. The less you fight back, the less power you can give them over you, the better,” she says. And because they never think they’re wrong, they rarely apologize.
9. When you show them you’re really done, they lash out People with NPD are extremely vulnerable to humiliation and shame, and they often lash out at others when they feel their self-esteem has taken a hit. If you insist you’re done with the relationship, they’ll make it their goal to hurt you for abandoning them, Peykar says. “Their ego is so severely bruised that it causes them to feel rage and hatred for anyone who ‘wronged’ them. That’s because everything is everyone else’s fault. Including the breakup,” she adds.
Infatuation Rules
Photo: Boris Hamer
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